Piecing things together

[TruthSeeker]

Thanks @TruthSeeker and @Deanna you are right I cannot control it and people do therapy for a lot of different reasons.

I did ask him if he would be willing to tell me whether he included our pre-arranged focus in his treatment goals or if he chose to focus elsewhere because if I think he's doing x but he's doing y it might be confusing. Before he even saw my message he was very open with me about the initial appointment and his thoughts about it and did not hesitate to answer my question. I am trying to be better about respecting different levels of need for privacy. I was raised to be forced open, and expect a level of information that is not always normal because I was forced to share so much. So, this is a good adjustment in recognizing that there is variation and respecting that and trying to focus my attention on my own stuff.

I'm sure his path will meander as we all do on our journeys. I am proud of myself for processing here before taking that anxiety directly to him. One day I will be able to bypass the anxiety altogether but I am not there right now.

TruthSeeker I really like your use of the word submarine as a verb. Very nice.

* * *

My shamanic healing is hitting me really hard today. Suddenly feeling the feelings. Lots of sadness and weird sensations in my sacral area where the bulk of the work was done. Very depressed. I've had a child part here with me sharing some of what she's had to carry alone. This is hard work.

Good work is hard....great you are feeling...better than stuffing or numbness. I believe that soul retrieval, finding lost or missing parts, is the key to finding balance in all of this. Good work there.....and remember...this is only a moment in time.

To let your child parts speak, and be heard, and feel noticed...(like appreciated) could be very helpful in lifting the depression you feel and what a better time to deal with this than in a pandemic....when you have time on your hands! ;)

I remember when I accessed my child parts and their hurt, I drew them and their pain....with their current feelings, painted a scene from Shamanic Journey where they were present....and ask them questions and how they feel about issues and write them down in a journal or type them on the computer. Keeping language and concepts simple seemed to help. Making connections more concrete helped. Making a journeying place...a safe place where my spirit guide was always there for protection in the sacred garden helped a lot. That is a place I can meet up on a journey that was safe-and safety is key to communication.

But incorporating child-like fun things into my life...in a way that is cool for the adult world-and acknowledges the inner child has created a much more positive shift.....and my internal world is not nearly so tumultuous now. While that's a little more challenging now, it is still quite doable. Then acknowledging the child-part's pain, and turning it all around, changing the forgotten child into a remembered one in your life and acting on that asking it to join you in some fun....I ask my inner child what they'd like to do......... art and music, dancing...an appropriate tv show, baking...photography, animals, or whatever your inner child wants to do.....a kind thing to do for the child-part.....and for yourself. Then there are times for adult things, and when I make the switch, I don't hear the noise....or get the conflict I once used to. Very glad to hear from you....this is so very positive.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Like the way you worded that. Thanks a bunch! An old AA slogan is first I take care of me and the rest falls in place!

Yep-that's probably where I remember that from....Alanon.....the room on the other side. ?

 

[Deanna]

Yep-that's probably where I remember that from....Alanon.....the room on the other side. ?

God, I needed both! Because I was dealing with both. I was married to a drunk and wife beater as well at the time. I was dissociated at first. Thought I came from a different planet. No joke!

 

[HealingMama]

My anxiety, neediness, rejection sensitivity are at an all time high this week. I am trying to make friends in my new location and it isn't going well, especially with the pandemic. I am reading way too much into everyone else's behavior. I am acting needy with coworkers and overly anxious and it is so unattractive. I am not used to feeling like this. I am overly sensitive to coworkers not responding to communication. It is unclear whether the people that said they want to be friends really meant it. I have been getting some mixed messages and of course I then overanalyze them. I wish the social landscape was not so triggering for me.

I need to just refocus my own energy elsewhere and stop even trying to build these relationships but it is so hard. There was a work issue earlier this week and I came here to journal instead of texting one of my coworkers on a Friday night to say something stupid and needy about it. I want to say something about it because she seems to be close with the person that it happened with and I am afraid that what happened will cause me to have less of a positive position in the team and that will make my job harder as well as mess with my mental health. I have this huge anxiety that I have somehow ruined my work relationships forever... which is not likely to be true... but I cannot stop the automatic negative thoughts very well right now.

So I took my meds, which aren't really helping me, and I'm coming here to vomit my anxiety out so I do not strain the relationships further. I am really missing my previous workplace where people were so great at being inclusive and because they were inclusive I didn't have this weird social anxiety sensitivity stuff happening that makes me not show up as my best self.

I mean really who in their right mind would be stressing on a Friday night over something that happened Wedneday morning. I am being so stupid. It's like I am back in middle school all over again, but I don't think any of these people are actually bullies. I mean this one person would clearly throw me under the bus if they had to, and has maneuvered to make me look bad but that doesn't make them a bully.

I am just really bad at assuming good intentions when I don't have enough evidence to support that someone has good intentions.

This is so stupid. I am literally tracking the fact that I was making small talk with two of my colleagues today, and mentioned getting dinner (as a group) when the pandemic is over, and neither of them said yes that sounds fun. Before the pandemic others were talking about getting together but nobody has mentioned it since then. I am so lonely even as an introvert, I need the type of exchange that happens in an acquaintance situation where you are forced to keep things pretty light - I need an occasion to wear that social mask because the alternative is I'm in my head fighting intensity all of the time.

I mean, so what if they do not want to gather. Most of them live a ways away from me anyway. I need to build relationships closer to me, with parents who have kids my own age. Except it was also really nice before to have friends around my work identity because it helps me remember I'm more than a mom. Moms are not very valued and it was nice to have friends around some of my professional skills and abilities.

I am going to work really hard to keep my crazy to myself here. It all started because of the way one person answered an email, they included everyone in the department and everyone sided with them and I have just been an absolute wreck since that happened. I feel kicked out of the tribe or whatever. That person answered a question the next day, and seems to be ok with things, but I am over here quite literally falling apart and I suspect Monday I'm STILL going to want to ask both of those people if things are ok because I am feeling like they hate me now.

They hate me.
I'm not good enough.
I'm unworthy.
I can't compete.
Nobody wants to be my friend.
There's not enough for everyone.

It is a very small department, and I was building a decent friendship with one of the veteran people before the other new person arrived. Other new person is a very strategic maneuvering sort of person and has totally shut me out in very manipulative ways. I do not feel like my environment is 'emotionally safe.' The environment I came from felt much safer than this. And the sad thing is, I cannot do anything about it. I am too naive and too nice to outmaneuver a strategic person. They haven't done anything that would even be reportable but clearly I am feeling shut out, and feel some existential terror about that because work is the new jungle and being shut out informally can mess up all the formal stuff too one way or the other.

I do not know what to do. The person who was initially the safest person for me in the team emotionally is now buddy buddy with Ms. Strategy so I don't think I can come to her. I will sound totally insane. She does seem to like helping needy people - she has taken time to help people having problems - but she is clearly much more loyal to the other new person than to me.

Ugh I f*cking hate complicated work dynamics. I am so uncomfortable. I wish I did not take this new position.

At least I came here to dump the anxiety instead of possibly straining my relationships at work further. If this person does have bad motives, then they need to not see weakness in me anyway. I just really wish things had gone differently. I can feel the lack of response and do not know if I'm supposed to read something into it or not. Social rules are so f*cking complicated. Why can't everyone just be direct and not drive people like me insane from not knowing how to take something.

 

[HealingMama]

Good work is hard....great you are feeling...better than stuffing or numbness. I believe that soul retrieval, finding lost or missing parts, is the key to finding balance in all of this. Good work there.....and remember...this is only a moment in time.

To let your child parts speak, and be heard, and feel noticed...(like appreciated) could be very helpful in lifting the depression you feel and what a better time to deal with this than in a pandemic....when you have time on your hands! ;)

I remember when I accessed my child parts and their hurt, I drew them and their pain....with their current feelings, painted a scene from Shamanic Journey where they were present....and ask them questions and how they feel about issues and write them down in a journal or type them on the computer. Keeping language and concepts simple seemed to help. Making connections more concrete helped. Making a journeying place...a safe place where my spirit guide was always there for protection in the sacred garden helped a lot. That is a place I can meet up on a journey that was safe-and safety is key to communication.

But incorporating child-like fun things into my life...in a way that is cool for the adult world-and acknowledges the inner child has created a much more positive shift.....and my internal world is not nearly so tumultuous now. While that's a little more challenging now, it is still quite doable. Then acknowledging the child-part's pain, and turning it all around, changing the forgotten child into a remembered one in your life and acting on that asking it to join you in some fun....I ask my inner child what they'd like to do......... art and music, dancing...an appropriate tv show, baking...photography, animals, or whatever your inner child wants to do.....a kind thing to do for the child-part.....and for yourself. Then there are times for adult things, and when I make the switch, I don't hear the noise....or get the conflict I once used to. Very glad to hear from you....this is so very positive.

Doing childlike things and having fun is definitely something I have to work on. I am not very good at that.

 

[somerandomguy]

I am being so stupid. It's like I am back in middle school all over

You're pretty hard on yourself. You're in a new place, in a new job, with new people. Not too many people are good at just walking in and making friends the first few days!

 

[HealingMama]

You're pretty hard on yourself. You're in a new place, in a new job, with new people. Not too many people are good at just walking in and making friends the first few days!

You're right. My highly strategic coworker did exactly that, though, and in the process found a way to kind of isolate me and push me out of what was previously a pretty group oriented cohesive department.

I mean, there's other potential ways to frame it, but that's how most of the behavior looks even when I'm not anxious. Person came from a very toxic cutthroat place. I'm not cut out for working next to people that have to make everything so competitive and weird. It really does make me crazy. I almost got written up at another job because everyone seemed to want to be friendly and I didn't realize they didn't want to be friends with me, specifically, and I had not taken their hints about that, so they felt like I was harassing them when I was just trying to maintain the same social environment that I was observing. It was a horrible time, and this new environment is stirring up all the memories of social isolation, betrayal and weird sort of bullying experiences that I have had in my past.

I really do very poorly with social nuance. If you don't want me around just say it, it might upset me but it will be much better for everyone in the long run than dropping hints that I don't catch. I am generally a likable person so it throws me when someone is specifically not interested in being friendly especially if I see them around others at work acting friendly. I really need things made explicit but asking for that is weird. Inconsistent people are so triggering for me.

On the upside, I do not have to rely on this person to perform my duties. I can manage ok even if they do not like me. I just resent having a workplace that seemed safe and healthy turn into one that feels toxic and weird. Like, we could all have gotten along just fine if this person had not decided to turn work into a cold war.

 

[HealingMama]

Avoidance is so enticing.
My husband has started working some limited hours again and my anxiety is through the roof. It is an unpredictable situation without a routine, consistent schedule which I find difficult.

I am realizing the last few weeks everything was predictable and safe because we were all in the bubble of our home. He leaves and all these sirens go off.

He also drank a beer right before he went to work and we are already dealing with some financial issues so add in my anxiety and I found that to be a really bad decision on his part.

I am really having a hard time. I try so hard not to call him. I am sure it's annoying. He answered and now I know he is coming home and he says is that all and I say that's all I can handle talking about right now then hang up and sob because my anxiety is so f*cked right now.

I am taking my prn more than I would like. I hate feeling so damn fragile. I miss being numb.

 

[HealingMama]

You're pretty hard on yourself. You're in a new place, in a new job, with new people. Not too many people are good at just walking in and making friends the first few days!

Thank you for trying to help me reframe the situation. You're a kind person.

 

[HealingMama]

I have been doing too much and not getting enough self care. I have been overscheduled and taking on too much anxiety from other people.

One of my bonus daughters will be staying with us for the week. Looking forward to having her here. NOT looking forward to sharing the bedroom with my husband. Him being a night person and a bad sleeper is a bad combo with my hypervigilence which is worse at night.

Feeling better today. I think I need a social media break. There's a lot of anxious people on social media.

 

[Deanna]

NOT looking forward to sharing the bedroom with my husband. Him being a night person and a bad sleeper is a bad combo with my hypervigilence which is worse at night.

Understand that. Boyfriend goes to bed at 5:30 and I go to bed at 10. It causes me stress just thinking about sleeping together. I've been married too many times in the past. Quit marriage altogether in 1994.

 

[HealingMama]

Understand that. Boyfriend goes to bed at 5:30 and I go to bed at 10. It causes me stress just thinking about sleeping together. I've been married too many times in the past. Quit marriage altogether in 1994.

Understandable. We all do better with separate beds. Husband has less discipline about going to bed if he doesn't have to compromise for me so he tends to be more sleep deprived but he has had sleep issues his whole life so he is used to it and mostly functions ok. I definitely do not function ok on limited sleep. And I get angry about it ?