Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Yes, @Freida, but I just feel I should say SOMETHING since she keeps tagging me. I’ll keep it short, sweet, polite, and let her know I’m not going to argue otherwise but I’ll be praying that G-d opens up her heart because gosh

Not too much energy wasted and I’ll feel better not letting her bully me into accepting her stupid vaccines-are-a-sin faith.

She’s a compete narc. It’ll just show my brother she’s nuts and he won’t care either but I’ll feel better and then if not I’ll let it go anyway. ?

@Muttly Thanks, man, you’re awesome too

 

[littleoc]

It is seeming very likely that I have epilepsy. Which is unfortunate. Also, hopefully incorrect. I had more issues today after letting my blood sugar get too low. Lost several hours. Service dog can only tell me if I dissociated, but she’s being a very good dog and has been carefully keeping me in her sights and not even asking to go outside this week. So something is up. I need this figured out before I go back to work.

This may also explain my odd behaviors in Iceland. Man, that group was needlessly mean to me. I can’t believe I let that happen. Dating my ex and messaging her in the wrong time zones. Still mad about that. I have to stop letting people bully me, and maybe I should consider not hiding my issues as much as I have been.

Figured out why my mom wasn’t telling my aunts I have a TBI. She wasn’t respecting my privacy, I bet. She just thought my behavior wouldn’t change enough to affect her. But it did. And she’s ignores it and when I need help she’s not helpful. I hide most my symptoms now. Or am I just treating her like my ex? Who really cares though.

Anyway. My doctor says brain injuries can trigger seizures but I am doubtful about this late in the game. But I have been hiding issues related to the last injury for years. And had been tested for epilepsy even beforehand.

Hopefully it is not epilepsy though. I don’t need more on my plate right now. Still need to be tested for a shrimp allergy, gallbladder problems, back problems, physical therapy problems, etc etc etc

 

[littleoc]

I’m genuinely shocked I’m alive, to be honest. My dad promised I wouldn’t make it to 15 or 18, he’d change the age but. Most people in my situations (plural) I’ve been in die. I feel horrible that not everyone survives abuse.

It leaves me wondering if I deserve to be alive if I don’t do something great. Like I owe the world an explanation of some kind.

Hell, I was talking about the sexual abuse the pedophile did to me with a friend who was curious (and close enough to a ask about it), and suddenly I heard myself saying, “I came out so lucky. I look mostly normal and even my ex didn’t really SEE a problem. She almost didn’t believe me.”

It’s odd. Just odd. He could have killed me. He thought about it. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it.

How do I take myself seriously if I don’t have profound injury? Not always being able to pee when I want to is barely a problem. I hide it well. I hide head injuries well. I hide pain in general well.

Children die regularly and many children die of the things I had happen to me. I didn’t get a hospital. I’m told I’m a feral child and somehow I’m smarter (IQ-wise, smart is relative) than the other feral children? Or is that just another inaccurate label for my problems?

I almost died once. Maybe. Being put in solitary confinement for three days or so, just in the floor. My sister almost died three times. Well, did die one of those times, clinically. Not sure about my brothers. My sister almost died because of the same pedophile who owned me for a year. And somehow I lived?

Is it just me, or is that weird? I feel so guilty. If I did develop epilepsy I’d feel much less guilty about this, but also feel horrible that i wasn’t just Born with it.

I wish I could explain these thoughts. Maybe I should quote this post and make a forum-post for others’ insight. If I can stand the guilt, that is, because a lot of children like me didn't make it to adulthood, and I refuse to believe that that makes me stronger than them somehow. It really bothers me.

And makes me worried about having/adopting kids. There are a lot of shootings kids get to be in every year. My dad used to threaten it. Is this just a trust issue? Most people aren’t like this.

Arrrgh. Frustrating.

 

[littleoc]

I know this is the OCD talking, but I really don't get it. How am I alive and how do I know I'm, not lying about how my dad treated me? maybe he was just really strict and mean? How would I even be alive otherwise?

The pedophile, who's name I literally can't say to the point that I can't say certain HOTEL names now and sometimes even struggle telling people which city and state my grad school is in. He tried removing my nipples, but they're actually pretty okay right now. Inverted for years but now pretty okay. My biggest issue is literally that when I try to pee, it feels urgent and I can't, or then I suddenly can but it's painful and takes 45 minutes. That's it. That's all I have to show for being "kidnapped" if that's even the right word, and raped for a year. I mean, seriously, what the f*ck? Even my sister had a more fatal outcome. She clinically died because of this dude and I?? Just got out??? Because I was nice to him??? What even

I mean, I might have had an STD, but I don't know. I got examined and tested at age thirteen and no one ever told me anything. Just kept me in the dark and then told me I was going to be forced to tell my mom about it. I was there to get rid of my dad, not deal with that mess. What the heck. They brought me giant antibiotics so I assumed I had something but then they told me I didn't and it was just in case? What was with those nurses.

 

[Muttly]

You didn't just get out. You have issues. You have TBI, you have troubles urinating, you have mental health issues. Urinating is a basic bodily function that you had. You are minimizing the issues you do have and focusing on others. There are people who die and people who survive horrible things. You aren't special for that. You don't deserve your epilepsy.

 

[Freida]

It leaves me wondering if I deserve to be alive if I don’t do something great. Like I owe the world an explanation of some kind.

How do I take myself seriously if I don’t have profound injury? Not always being able to pee when I want to is barely a problem. I hide it well. I hide head injuries well. I hide pain in general well.

If I can stand the guilt, that is, because a lot of children like me didn't make it to adulthood, and I refuse to believe that that makes me stronger than them somehow. It really bothers me.

I struggle with all of these so I totally understand what you are talking about. It's called survivor guilt - the idea that you lived when others didn't, that you weren't worthy of being saved, that if you didn't have viable, obvious injuries somehow what you went thru didn't count.

It counts.
What you went thru was horrible
HORRIBLE
You don't have to defend the fact that you lived
You were badly injured - enough so that even today you are struggling with those injuries
That matters.
The pedophile caused you massive injuries
Your dad caused you massive injuries
Just because you have found a way to live with those injuries doesnt mean they aren't real

And makes me worried about having/adopting kids.

Yep -- I've fought this battle too. This is something you need to work on now. Please. Because otherwise you run the risk of becoming me -- someone who was far to old when she finally figured out she had it wrong

That's all I have to show for being "kidnapped" if that's even the right word, and raped for a year.

I can't decide if I want to smack you with my feather duster or give you a huge hug. Probably both

There is no that's all in this scenario. You were badly, badly injured. Injuries that are still, all this time later, affecting you. You were able to block the severity of the damage because you needed to survive. That doesn't mean it wasn't horrible. It means your brain was protecting you in the only way it could - by pretending it was no big deal. That's how ptsd works.

But it was a big deal. A huge deal.

You didn't just get out. You have issues. You have TBI, you have troubles urinating, you have mental health issues. Urinating is a basic bodily function that you had. You are minimizing the issues you do have and focusing on others. There are people who die and people who survive horrible things. You aren't special for that. You don't deserve your epilepsy.

This ^^^^
So very much this.

Part of recovering is accepting how bad it really was. I'm still struggling with that so I'm the last person to give you advice on it. But I'm fairly certain that everyone will tell you the same thing ----
What you live thru was horrible.
That you survived was a miracle
You deserved to survive
You already matter - regardless of what you decide to do with your life :hug:

 

[ninja]

It means your brain was protecting you in the only way it could - by pretending it was no big deal. That's how ptsd works.

Yes. My T is known for saying-- self-deception is a form of self-regulation
In other words-- "It's not a big deal" is a form of self-regulating. Which is necessary because it was a big deal.

 

[littleoc]

You’re right but it hurts to admit.

 

[littleoc]

I helped someone in the community today instead of being afraid. It was awesome and I was really happy. And some long-distance friends :)

Then someone texted me asking about my “kinks” and if they were “vanilla” and it’s really not someone I know well. Messed me up. Should probably block despite knowing it was an interesting question.

I keep getting the feeling I’m doing things wrong and standing out too much. On top of that, ever since I started wearing the binder, now when I have it off I just suddenly become ashamed of my entire body and it’s dark.

When I cover my face, I feel cute as f*ck, though. Maybe I should grow my beard out more, lol.

I’ve been debating telling my little brother about this to help with validation but I’m unsure. Very unsure. I am not convinced I can be taken seriously. When I messaged him about our mom he called her a bit of a perfect person and disagreed about her behavior... I don’t know. It’s confusing. Admittedly we have been through very difficult but different things.

Tasks I need to do, but haven’t:

• Apply for the science job by making a cover letter, maybe asking career services for feedback on it.
• Finish editing the opening scene for peer feedback
• Do art
• Get jellybeans in TTR
• Clean the new silverware set
• Do other dishes
• Some other things I forgot

Things I did:

• Replaced 100lb microwave
• Learned how to move a fridge
• Dealt with an OCD attack while a friend witnessed it and he casually left, which made me feel like our friendship is NOT toxic which was wonderful
• Still a bit ashamed though
• Bare minimum in a class even though my goal was to over participate

 

[littleoc]

I keep going back and forth between knowing where my optimism is and then just losing it completely. I find it incredibly depressing.

 

[somerandomguy]

I keep going back and forth between knowing where my optimism is and then just losing it completely. I find it incredibly depressing.

I know you use your natural optimism as a coping strategy, but it's OK to not feel optimistic. It's a cycle. You can be sad and depressed but it doesn't mean you'll always feel that way.

 

[littleoc]

True.

I worry, though. I feel I need to be the one who's optimistic. My mother is very pessimistic but to a ridiculous degree. I can't place why, but I feel I need to balance that out, or I won't have as much good luck? Probably OCD again, come to think of it?