How do I cope?

[Kaylove498]

I have become so lost recently I've had to face alot of truths about who people really are around me and it's been very difficult to process.

I dove back into the party life a couple months ago and I haven't stopped until recently and by recently I mean yesterday.

I deal with dpdr all the time but at this point I feel like I've completely lost who I am as a person.me and my spouse broke up and got back together only for me to find out he uses which I thought he did but for our entire relationship I ignored it and pretended it wasn't goin on.

I don't have many friends and the one that I'm the closest with I walked in on her sleeping with someone that I was falling for.

After seeing that I continued to be friends with her and went back to my ex whom I am still with.o continued partying and began to use myself not often but that's not who I am.

I don't crave for anything so I know I'm not addicted being that I've been addicted in the past to alcohol but it's been enough use to bother me.

It's also made my dpdr so much worse I walk around so confused now nothing seems nor feels real and I'm so far gone from who I use to be that I'm not sure I'll ever return.

I push through everyday but I'm still numb and overwhelmed all at the same time.

I've always had issues with change but in general seeing so many truths come out at once is to much for me.I use to be in a bubble where everything was fine even if it wasn't I could act like it was and now it's like I'm seeing things for what they are for the first time in my life.
I'm not sure what to do at this point I've been crying for days and I'm lost.

I know I'm making myself worse by getting into the party life style again just at times that's the only time I feel like me.

How can I pull myself through this mentally without being overwhelmed?
I know I can't have my old life back I can't just rewind and pretend nothing that's happened has happened but I'm desperate at this point I don't know how to deal with all of these things going on.

I know I probably shouldn't come on here for this type of thing even though all of this has worsened the dpdr.

I don't have many people to talk to and the ones that I have are alot of the reason I'm feeling the way I do.

I feel very discouraged I use to know who I was and my beliefs and was doing amazing and since all the trauma I've been stuck in this weird world of truths.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi, what's dpdr? Excessive partying will lead to a sense of loss about who you are. Drugs and alcohol are bad for you and you make fake relationships with people that don't really care about you.

 

[Justmehere]

Have you considered treatment?

 

[joeylittle]

Hi, what's dpdr?

De-Personalization and De-Realization. (Two different forms of dissociation, sometimes people just abbreviate it as dpdr like it's one thing)

I don't crave for anything so I know I'm not addicted being that I've been addicted in the past to alcohol but it's been enough use to bother me.

Except you've said that when things get bad, you turn to alcohol to cope. Dependency is just as dangerous as addiction.

What would it take to get you working with a therapist? (In treatment, as @Justmehere is saying)

 

[Kaylove498]

I've worked with a therapist and doctor and nothing has helped

 

[joeylittle]

and nothing has helped

Can you go further into this? What have you done with them, and for how long, and what led to you realizing that it didn't help?

 

[Kaylove498]

I went through a few different therapy's and it would help for awhile but id go right back into depersonalization.

I've been to alot of doctors and have tried to many meds to even count I actually started back drinkinh because it eases my anxiety for the time being and I would feel fully here while drinking.

Most the doctors I've talked to and therapist have all told me that I let myself stay in the depersonalization because I obsess on it I can actually agree with that.

It does get hard ignoring the odd feelings and the emptiness I feel all the time though I have moments where I'm fine and I still do my day to day things I actually notice it gets worse when I'm alone.

I'm assuming it gets worse when I'm alone because I'm in my own head so much but even doin day to day things I panic a bit that I'll go crazy or I have odd existential thoughts like how we just know things or how we can just stay in constant thought of different things yet still know where we are.

I know that sounds odd and sadly I have many other odd thoughts that the doctors and therapist have all told me is nothing to be concerned about they have actually told me it's normal with the type of anxiety and depersonalization that I deal with.

My scariest thought are more of an I in a dream or am I already dead and don't know it.I try to ignore these thoughts but I can't help but feel empty and lost all the time.

Of course the drinking makes it worse the day after but in the moments of drinking I feel alive again I even feel emotions when I'm drinking but when I sober up I'm right back into feeling nothing

 

[joeylittle]

I know that sounds odd and sadly I have many other odd thoughts that the doctors and therapist have all told me is nothing to be concerned about they have actually told me it's normal with the type of anxiety and depersonalization that I deal with.

It's OK that mental health symptoms seem strange, I just think of all of them as information.

What was the diagnosis those doctors gave you?

I went through a few different therapy's and it would help for awhile but id go right back into depersonalization.

I know this is probably really annoying that I keep asking...but do you remember which therapies? And how long is awhile? (I know you'll get better advice/input from members, the more specific you can be with what you've already tried, and for how long, and what (in your opinion) went wrong...)