Advice about a friendship

[Movingforward10]

Hi all,
I don't know what to do about a friendship.
Background: I've known her for 15 years and hold her dearly to me. She was with my ex for 13 years (my ex is one of my best friends). She became another best friend. The four of us (me and my partner and my ex and her) we're a tight little group. We holidayed together, spent christmasses together, built up traditions together. I viewed her and my ex as family. Chosen family.
Anyway, 3 years ago my ex (who I will rename S) treated her badly and ended the relationship. I struggled with my friendship with S at the time as she was behaving so meanly, but was also trying not to judge.
And then I supported my friend through it. She and S were not speaking so I put in a lot of effort to try and see them both separately and equally. I'm sure I made mistakes and didn't handle things right but I tried really hard to maintain a relationship with my friend.
She told me that I remind her of S and she finds it hard seeing me. I get that but what can I do about that?
Anyway, she now avoids seeing me, and will make plans and then change them. She never invites me to anything where other friends will be. But she will make arrangements to see my other friends without me. I feel she shuts me off.
But then she will text and say friendly things so I think yay! My friend is back and we make plans again, only for her to change them again.
So, S who is now in touch with her again, told me my friend is struggling and I should see her. So I make plans with her again for a picnic after work today (as we can now meet one person outside). However she has now text to say she is meeting someone else now and might see me later. So I'm left hanging. We arranged to see each other at 5.15pm. what even is later?? All we can do is sit in a park because lockdown everything is shut. Do I make myself dinner? Or wait for her? What about the picnic? She always does this.
I think I'll just say let's meet another day.

What do I do?
She knows I'm in therapy and the reasons why. When I told her,she said she had never seen me like that (no one has. I put on a face to the outside world that I'm ok. I'm always on form. They don't see the panic, the self doubt, the anxiety, the trauma).

She isn't one for talking about things deeply.
And if she is struggling maybe now is not the time to say: when we make plans and you change them, it really upsets me.

What should I do?
I think I want to keep trying at the friendship. But equally I can't keep doing this. I'm struggling myself and this is upsetting me. It's feeding into my trauma narrative that I'm not worth consideration and this is too hard for me to deal with right now.
Maybe I should tell her that? But is that emotionally manipulative?

 

[Justmehere]

It's feeding into my trauma narrative that I'm not worth consideration and this is too hard for me to deal with right now.
Maybe I should tell her that? But is that emotionally manipulative?

It's like this:

She told me that I remind her of S and she finds it hard seeing me. I get that but what can I do about that?

You can't eliminate the trigger for her, she can't eliminate the triggers for you. She has to manage her own triggers, and you yours.

Telling someone who is already struggling about your PTSD symptoms spiking isn't likely to lead to the results you want but possibly more avoidance. I get it, and it's putting responsibility on her things she isn't responsible for to try to get connection.

Letting her know what you need to make the friendship work, and what you are not willing to do, which is simply you managing your boundaries and limits, is perfectly ok.

When two people are in a rough spot emotionally on their own, it can be hard to reconcile a relationship. Letting it go and spending time with others and waiting until you are both in a better spot may be a worthwhile option. It's also an option to make the types of plans that always have a back up.

I used to be a person that cancels a lot because I was struggling. I have a friend who cancels a lot now too, so we make the types of plans where I'd do it anyhow. I'll invite them to go for a walk with me when I walk my dog, go to connect with a third person then if my friend doesn't show, I still have someone to hand with, go shopping together... things like that. Then if they bail. no biggie. If they make it, great. It might work better to decline the hang outs with her that depend on her showing up but agree to the connections that don't require her showing up. When I did this a lot myself, I came to really value and feel the most comfortable around friends where it was 100 percent ok to bail.

 

[Movingforward10]

Thanks @Justmehere, I needed that. And that makes sense.

I think I have already done the telling her about my struggles to try and get a connection (which makes me feel shitty all round). When we met last time, just before lockdown. She was ultra late meeting me (leaving me on my own at an event) and then spent the majority of the time looking at other people to speak too. And then I told her why I was in therapy.....really not the right time or right thing to do for her or for me.

So I get I need to not put things on to her that are not her responsibility and just put boundaries in.

I've text her back to say let's re arrange for another day as she now has plans with someone else.

I'm not comfortable right now to make plans with another friend and her so that I have a back up plan if she bails. But I will think that through a bit more about why I'm not comfortable because it is a way round it (once we are allowed to meet more than one person in this lockdown!).

Thanks. Helpful advice and food for thought.

 

[Movingforward10]

Oh! And now she has text straight back saying she is sorry and will meet me and well done for me putting in boundaries.

I'm confused.

 

[Ronin]

I would take it as a show of a good will, if you have reasons to believe it is meant...

How much a show of good intent changes how you decide, usually, would be a different consideration though.

 

[Movingforward10]

Thanks Ronin,

Have said great and will see her later.

Let's see how this pans out!

 

[Ronin]

Good luck and hope you have a good time, mending crackly bridges. :tup:

 

[Movingforward10]

Thank you! Fingers crossed!

 

[Movingforward10]

Well we had a lovely picnic. She was early. We had a fun time.

Thank you all for your time to reply

Here's hoping she and I can put in our boundaries and manager our stressors and work out our friendship.

 

[Paul-]

The good point about your friendship - which involves the four of you - is that you are a tight little group and have done everything together like a family. A friendship such as yours can go for many years unbroken.
Good friendships are so precious. They can withstand the test of time, conflicts, tragedy and heartbreak. Yet be so fragile.
S plays an important role in this friendship circle and may even be part of your struggles in this situation. You mention how S treated your friend badly during her relationship with your friend.
At the same time you were struggling with your friendship with S. There is a connection forming here.
Both of you are strongly connected to S and this may be the reason for the dilemma between you both. S appears to play a pivotal role in your lives and your friend even thinks about S when seeing you.
It's very likely that S is behind your friend's plan-changing behaviour because there does seem to be considerable influence involved. Your friend will make arrangements to see you, then may be persuaded to change them by S.
Any plans that you make together, your friend will feel the need to change them. It's a difficult situation. Her making plans to see your other friends is going to be easier for her because that 'connection' with you and the ex is not there.
This again becomes another, all too familiar situation when you organise the picnic. Could S be the reason for your friend deciding not to go ahead and leave you in limbo?
Make your own arrangements with your shared friends and include your friend as well. Your friend may start to feel more relaxed when you do this and it is important to still include S as well.
S will need to appreciate that you are a group of friends and it is important not to go making arrangements behind each others backs. This will only put further strain on your friendship with the group.
As you are already having therapy, it could be an opportunity to address the issue of finally moving forward with regard to your previous relationship with S. Putting further emphasis on engaging with your other friends and making whatever arrangements with them will mean less worrying about S.
It can be difficult to maintain a good friendship when someone has such influence over two people. It's now your time to build on your friendship - and that of the group - yet at the same time, let go of the past conflicts that appear to involve S.

 

[Movingforward10]

Thanks for taking the time to reply @Paul Shipman Smith . I'm digesting what you say. My initial thoughts are that maybe I misrepresented S. She messed up in that relationship, but she's a good friend (admittedly she messed up in precisely the same way in my relationship with her).but I think I take from what you say to separate out the friendships from S.