Angry After First Meeting With My New Psychiatrist

[bluecat]

Thank you everyone! I am so grateful for all your support.

Ayesha, what you wrote didn’t help a little, it helped a lot, thank you. My T has always been very empathetic and understanding, I kind of assumed everyone would be like that, but you’re right, I don’t have to put up with this.

Junebug, I was wondering along those lines too. I don't think he intentionally tried to make me uncomfortable. I really think he just doesn't know anything about cPTSD in general and also how important it is for people who were sexually abused that their carers believe their experiences. He comes from a culture, I won't write which one, that is notorious for corporal punishment of kids. I wonder if he was beaten for punishment as a kid and was projecting his own way of dealing with it (minimizing and dismissing it) on my situation.

I agree with you about the secrecy in abuse and how our abuser’s make us question our feelings, especially if we can’t get away from them, like kids with parents. After I wrote this post, I read it and I thought, wow, I can see so many ways in here in which I have responded along what my T has been teaching me. I felt like I’ve made a huge progress, giving myself the benefit of trusting my feelings. I used to have a ****ed up reaction when someone was not good to me. I would start trying to fix them, going back for more, instead of just leaving. Now I know I can leave, it feels good.

Dear Anni, thank you for standing up for me. Nobody ever called anyone who upset me an *sswipe, it really made me happy. I know what you're saying with reporting this, but I don’t think I can pull off an official complaint. I will tell my next psychiatrist about it though and ask her for advice. I did tell my T too. I wrote her a long raging email last night, poor T. The scary part is, I am OK now, I resolved my flashback and my meds are kicking in and I feel strong. But three weeks ago I was a mess and this would have been overwhelming.

Its funny, the whole time I acted all polite and didn't let on how uncomfortable I was, pretty much the same I always was when hurt. Its because my father got so enraged if we showed pain or fear. I only show those emotions when I am having a flashback and can't control it or if I feel really safe like with my T, but not otherwise. I used to detest people who showed fear, I didn't feel safe around them. Now I think those people are much safer than the opposite, they are normal. Its possible that he was confused by my reaction and thought I am full of shit.

The comment about some people enjoying pain was too strange, though. He said to call next day and make another appointment, and I was going to, but I procrastinated, because I didn't really want to do it. I saw a psychiatrist for a bridge appointment 3 weeks ago, who was very kind, so I decided to try and see if she can take me as a patient. Thank God my meds already kicked in, if this happened 2 weeks ago, I'd probably just fold.

Thank you also Kers, ITL, James B., Jawn and Artista for your advice, there is no doubt in my mind anymore, I am not going back.

Bluecat

 

[Iam]

Hi Bluecat. Sorry, I wasn't online yesterday and caught this thread late.

I really think he just doesn't know anything about cPTSD in general and also how important it is for people who were sexually abused that their carers believe their experiences. He comes from a culture, I won't write which one, that is notorious for corporal punishment of kids. I wonder if he was beaten for punishment as a kid and was projecting his own way of dealing with it (minimizing and dismissing it) on my situation.

At the very minimum this guy is not a trauma specialist and doesn't understand C-PTSD. It is also very likely that he is projecting onto you. Asking if kids a beaten for punishment in Cheq culture???? This guy is definitely not for you. HOW DARE he even insinuate that if it was cultural it was ok. And who the f*ck cares if you had bruises or not? Abuse is abuse, bruises or not.

After I wrote this post, I read it and I thought, wow, I can see so many ways in here in which I have responded along what my T has been teaching me. I felt like I’ve made a huge progress, giving myself the benefit of trusting my feelings. I used to have a ****ed up reaction when someone was not good to me. I would start trying to fix them, going back for more, instead of just leaving. Now I know I can leave, it feels good.

That is so totally AWESOME Bluecat! Maybe this whole thing is good in the fact that you are able to see that you are and can stand up for yourself and say "No more. That was NOT ok and I am NOT going back!" YAY for you!

I do hope the bridge pysch can take you on.

 

[anni]

Hee- well thanks for not minding me swearing a little.He is an *sswipe, I'm glad you have that core in you which said 'Um-no!'. Actually, telling another Psychiatrist of it, plus your T, is kind of reporting anyway. The jerk might not get 'in trouble' but would have to guess someone will be keeping an eye on him. I truly do not think cultural differences or lack of education on CPTSD is an excuse or even a very good reason for his behaviour. He IS practicing in THIS culture, so get informed, and if one does not have the training to deal with CPTSD, then do not accept the fragile victims of abuse who have C as patients.

I hope it's not intrusive to ask you to tell us how it feels when on track with a 'real' one. :) If it is, please ignore this!

 

[Artista]

Bluecat... So proud of you and noticing learning to listen to YOU. I have always said it is one of the biggest things taken away from us. That means A LOT!!! Wonderful.

Can't wait for you to find a good fit with a T!! It will facilitate your healing even more! It made me grin ear to ear reading your words above!!! I am a firm believer there is something in us that draws to us what we need. We only need to pay attention. You are on the way! : )

 

[intothelight]

Hi Bluecat,

Congratulations on standing up for yourself and choosing what is best for you. It is so hard to do and such an awesome accomplishment when you are able to do so.

The following statement struck a chord with me:

Its because my father got so enraged if we showed pain or fear. I only show those emotions when I am having a flashback and can't control it or if I feel really safe like with my T, but not otherwise. I used to detest people who showed fear, I didn't feel safe around them. Now I think those people are much safer than the opposite, they are normal.

I think abusers feed off control and power, and when their victims show fear, it only feeds their sick power. Victims then learn to shove the fear away and associate fear with anger. You are correct, showing fear is normal; the reaction of increased anger is not.

When I see people that are afraid, my reactions are compassion and wanting to nurture. A child lost in a store, a woman with her car broken down by the side of the road, or an elderly man who forgot where he parked his car, touch my soul to the core. All I can remember is how when I was scared, no one was there to help or comfort me. All I want to do is protect people from what I went through. But I cannot rescue the world, and distress causes me so much discomfort, there are times I shut down.

It is odd how abuse affects each person differently. You are learning that fear does not threaten your safety and I am learning that I cannot fix everything.

ITL

 

[BloomInWinter]

I could only read a few on your lines because it triggered me right to the abusers (& sexual sadist) in my past who tried to 'normalize' abuse with exactly that.

My instincts are in high alert and saying Run, Run, Run...and put in a complaint against this guy with your office of professional regulation. Surely he has other complaints. In our state of IL, you can look up a licensed person online to see if he's been disciplined. This guy...really sounds like bad news.

Normally I'd never give this kinda advice but there's some really, really sick people in every profession. Trust your instincts.

 

[tch75]

and if one does not have the training to deal with CPTSD, then do not accept the fragile victims of abuse who have C as patients.

anni! I can't agree more with you on this! If you don't have the right training as a T, be honest enough to say so!
My first T told me when I told him about my brothers sexual abuse that that sort of things sometimes happen, period.
Set me back years in treatment! Spending so much time building up the courage to talk about this, and thats the response!?

So yes, spend time, (time I know many of us feel we don't have) to find a T you trust, and like!!!

tch75

 

[seedling]

bluecat, yes- this guy gave me the creeps right from the start of your post. Can't imagine asking for so much detail on the first visit.

I find it so amazing how we deal with stuff like this. First - to doubt ourselves and to be confused about what is real, or if it's just our own overreaction, Second - to hear some inner voice and instinct always there, telling us something really is wrong, Third - to figure out where the wrong lies and what we are going to do about it, and Fourth - to be past it and feel that it is not so emotionally charged.

Good for you:)

 

[NIKI]

Hi Bluecat, I'm sorry that you had to go through that! Outrageous!! I do not think for a minute that you have over reacted. No matter what this guy said or did that made you feel uncomfortable for even one second, you do not and should not go back. Remember He works for you!!!!! Fire his *ss! Ts are a dime a dozen and you keep looking until you find someone that makes you feel safe and secure. Make sure that you are in control of the meeting about what you want to talk about or reveal. That guy was a real creep! You do not have to go back and try to fix anyone but yourself! You are #1 in this situation and don't you forget that! So you go girl, and take care of #1. NIKI

 

[bluecat]

Fight, Flight or Freeze?

Warning, this is honestly a big rant about the system.

I could add a fourth "F" into the mix, "f***ed up either way you choose". Freezing is how I respond to situations that I perceive as dangerous, a situation in which I should either utilize my anger and fight or utilize my fear and run away. Instead I just freeze, because where I grew up, there was no escape and no way to fight off my attacker. My body freezes, even though internally I am shaking in anger and tensing all my muscles in preparation for action. My brain turns off. It just switches off any time I feel anger or fear and I cannot formulate a single thought. Well, not this time brain.

I am sorry if this makes no sense, I am unravelling fast after what happened these past couple of days.

I tried to let the whole thing with this psychiatrist's insensitive and uninformed conduct be and just go to a different psychiatrist, but what do you know, I have to have a permission of the psychiatrist I found so unprofessional and insulting to switch to someone else. So I called patient advocacy and will have to file a formal complaint. I am scared. I am generally scared of people who I perceive as having the power to take your freedom away, growing up in a totalitarian regime and being on the black list has left some scars. Law enforcement and psychiatrists both can lock you up, and I am scared defying someone who fits into that category.

At the same time I am reeling with anger at a system that puts psychiatric patients into a situation that strips them of the civil rights we take for granted with any other healthcare provider: the freedom to choose your doctor and the freedom to leave an unhealthy situation. I need medication, unfortunately, I can't function without it.

At the same time, I will not go back to this guy and I will not have a private conversation with him, he triggered me in so many ways, there is just no way I am going back for more. I will also not pretend that I want to switch because I would be more comfortable with a female doctor, because its simply not true. (These two courses of action were suggested to me by people from the hospital.)

I believe as a patient who is not psychotic or suicidal or homicidal I am fully within my rights to choose my doctor. And I wonder what happens in situations where the psychiatrist is abusive (I don't think this is the case with this one, I think he just has no clue and is bringing his own prejudices into the interview, without malicious intent). But what if a psych manipulated a patient for some malicious purpose? The patient has to have a permission to switch!? Talk about imbalance of power!

My brain and body are pulling the old freezing trick on me. I need to write a succint account of what happened and why it was unprofessional and insulting. I need my brain to work. I keep telling myself that I am not powerless. If this guy really tried to commit me, I would get all the organizations that helped me and my therapist to vouch that my story is true and I do have PTSD.

For some reason I feel that he was trying to invalidate what I was telling him, like it didn't really happen, it was just in my head. Funny, I spent past 8 years trying to accept that it really is true that it happened, I didn't make it up, now I have to be the one proving it. I worry that he was trying to pin a different diagnosis on me, not sure if those are just my PTSD fears or if I read him right. I do objectively worry a lot about having other psychiatric disorders and my therapist always explains why I don't have those and have PTSD, but I am scared what would happen with this guy if he knew my fears.

Either way, there is a rape crisis center that helped me at some point, an advocacy group for battered women and a shelter for battered women that helped, they interviewed me extensively for my court case and also met my ex in court. There are also medical accounts of some of my injuries from childhood and marriage, not that I advertised them as resulting from abuse, but they do exist. Also, the US government granted me residency based on the Violence Against Women Act of 1964. Trust me, they don't do that blindly, it took a lot of documentation. And I could always get a lawyer and sue the hospital (not that I have the desire to do that.)

If I have to, I'll get every patient advocacy group in the bloody country involved. Do not push me.

I know I am blowing this out of proportions, but its because something so relatively small has affected me that much.

This is what is going to really happen, and it is way less drastic: I am going to formulate an account of what happened, why I perceived it as insulting and unprofessional and email this to this psychiatrist and cc my therapist and a patient advocate (to avoid this to be private thing between him and me) and I'll ask for a release so I can see someone else.

Taking a deep breath and calming down.

Thank you for reading and sorry for such an outburst. I contemplated deleting it, but its probably better to be honest about my feelings. There is a rational side to me and then there is this freaked out one too.

Bluecat

 

[seedling]

This is the place to be able to verbalize the freaked out side and people understand. It's good to get it out, I feel some of the same things. You are really being pushed to do the right thing in this situation and stand up for yourself, you've done a great job! Good luck.

 

[Iam]

Glad you posted it BC. Hopefully just getting it out helped you to take a deep breath afterwards. I am sorry this jerk of a psych has to release you, that just sucks. Since when can't we fire someone we hire? Bet he has other complaints filed against him too. Even with your venting...it really does sound like you have things well under control. Go get em girl! BTW...I understand the "freeze" when afraid. I do it too. You are taking action though....you aren't frozen....what an inspiration!