Relationship Has anyone left because it was to much?

[Thesupportiveone]

I am in a relationship for about 5 years now to a former military man with combat PTSD we live together. He has had 2 very scary violent outburst since we have been together. Every day is a different thing that is nitpicked and time is always of the essence even when it is supposed to be something fun. 1 minute can send him into a blow out that me and his son have to hear about for half of the day. I am getting to the point where I am getting tired of it all the walking on egg shells for nothing at all. Has anyone left and if they did what were the steps that you took. I am determined that if I feel like I am in any danger ever again I will climb out the window if need be to get to my car and leave. I have money hidden in my bathroom in my "monthly bag" just in case and always keep my keys to the point where I can get away. I feel that if I leave them I will be the bad guy but I am tired. I am tired of being anxious all the time and always trying to anticipate what is going to happen with something innocent. I was told a few days ago that he feels like he will have a blowup soon due to me not being ready when he wants me to be even if I have 40 mins to lounge around before we go anywhere even though literally it takes me 4 mins to get dressed. It is getting to be to much. Me putting my foot down is me starting a fight. I am tired.

 

[RubyBlue]

If his behavior is causing you to be fearful and crosses your boundaries- get out. He has responsibility to get himself into therapy. It would be a good idea for you and your children to get in therapy as well to help with the transition.

 

[The Albatross]

My husband left me three times... I am "the PTSD". We've been together a total of 36 years or so now married for about 32. The thing is getting assistance when you need assistance and then assessing jointly the relationship. Communication and problem resolution styles are important.

 

[Movingforward10]

@Thesupportiveone , life with him sounds hard. It sounds as though you have to behave the way he wants or you (and your son) get punished. That doesn't sound like a partnership, a family or love.
No wonder you are tired.
How is all this impacting your son? If you are finding it hard, I wonder how he (a child who is at the mercy of the decisions his parents make) is?

Do you think you are in an abusive relationship or a healthy one? Does he know how he makes you feel?

You are allowed to leave
You are allowed to feel safe (actually scrap that, you SHOULD feel safe, because of you don't - it's abusive).

I hope you find a way through this that works for you and your son.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I feel that if I leave them I will be the bad guy but I am tired.

Leaving would not make you the bad guy. He doesn’t get free reign to be horrid to you just because he has PTSD. PTSD causes feelings... those are symptoms he cannot help. How he chooses to cope with or react to those feelings (by lashing out at you or his kid, for example) is ON HIM. Those are choices he is making.

Would you allow anybody else to treat you this way? Personal accountability for behavior is still a thing... even with PTSD.
Don’t let supporter guilt turn you into a martyr. That’s not romantic, that’s not “ride or die”. That’s toxic and dangerous. It’s not good for you or him.

 

[OrangeJulius]

These guys have already hit the key points but i do want to point out some of your own words to you.

I am determined that if I feel like I am in any danger ever again I will climb out the window if need be to get to my car and leave

I have money hidden in my bathroom

always keep my keys to the point where I can get away

I am tired of being anxious all the time and always trying to anticipate what is going to happen with something innocent.

I was told a few days ago that he feels like he will have a blowup soon due to me not being ready

This doesn't sound healthy to me. This sounds abusive. Ive never had to have a plan about how to get away from my spouse or hide money from him just in case. Its hard to see things when you're in the thick of it so I pulled these quotes from you to see one right after the other.

If your best friend said these things to you, what would you tell her?

 

[candor]

You have a choice. However, your son has no choice but to abide by your decision to stay in an abusive relationship. It could lead to him repeating the pattern in his future relationships. I have allowed myself to be treated abusively cause I believed that by doing so I could confront my own past demons and learn about my own behavior. I would not have involved a child who is powerless now and may judge me in the future. Regardless of whether your husband can or cannot control his rage, it gives him a feeling of power and control which is irrisistible to those who more often than not feel out of control. Take that power back and leave or stay and place your child out of danger. I apologise if I sound harsh but we all need to break the abusive cycle regardless of who or what is at fault.

After I was told that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he ghosted me after 5 years of subjecting me to paranoia and explosive anger. My last words had been that he could no longer bring out feelings of anger or fear in me. I miss him every day and I believe that his behaviors were beyond his or my control. So maybe I know how conflicted you feel. I stand up for myself taking baby steps at a time. I never blamed him as it was my choice to stay while it lasted.

 

[Seasounds]

Me putting my foot down is me starting a fight. I am tired.

I relate. I’m with you. I left a relationship that initially, when love was blind, looked good. After six minths I found out I had a partner who had an explosive anger problem, an alcohol problem, and wouldn't go to therapy 12 step groups for anger or alcoholism, and truly lived his life to speak to “as few people as possible“, each day. He didn’t want to change.

Me, I’m an intravert, and dedicated to learning better coping skills, taking reasonable risks at each step of the way.

Leaving had its benefits and challenges. Meeting my financial needs required lots re-adjustments and learning more skills to engage the world. The biggest gain was that I was out of a situation that compounded my trauma. Of course, I needed to take time to create new connections, since leaving my boyfriend meant leaving my close friendships with his two sisters.

Peace, respect and support to you!

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @Thesupportiveone. It sounds as if your having a really bad time. Don't feel that leaving makes you the bad guy. You need to put your own feelings and mental health first. If your not safe then leave. You don't have to put up with that abuse. It's a toxic relationship. You can always tell his son that your still available to see him if you want to. Best wishes S3.