Is it possible that traumatized people mostly enter in relationships with other traumatized persons mashing their relationship toxic

[airdog]

Sorry new to this forum so hope I won't say something I'm not supposed to.
My thinking goes like this: I'm damaged goods and what "normal" person would be interested in pursuing a long-term relationship with that.
So (and I know this from long experience) people like me are most likely to bond with other damaged goods and I would add that very often their relationship is based on codependance.
Which has the consequence that if one of the partners wants to get better, either both partners try to evolve together or the relationship undergoes even much greater stress than is already the case.

What do you think?

 

[Movingforward10]

Hi and welcome!

I also view myself as 'damaged goods' and always thought why would someone want to be in a relationship with me. I'm not relationship material. That has led to abusive relationships for me in teens and early adulthood.

However, I'm now in my 40's and am coming up to celebrating 16 years with my partner this August. I believe our relationship is healthy. It's not perfect! But it's not abusive. It's equal. We respect each other. We give each other space. I think it works as she is avoidant at times like I am, so it doesn't overwhelm me (mostly). Yes there are still difficulties and challenges. But that's relationships.

She is fully supportive of my therapy and my journey. She is giving me space to change. I suppose that comes from trust in me and the relationship that she/we can withstand the change?

 

[Friday]

My relationships don’t fit that pattern... but I very much doubt what you describe is uncommon. More that it’s just one wedge of the pie.



Putting on my ModHat for a moment! :D

Sorry new to this forum so hope I won't say something I'm not supposed to.

We have very few rules... and they’re all found right here >>> Community Constitution

Welcome to the community!

 

[Ronin]

Most of my relationships were with people with some degree of trauma...

But nope, the trauma histories weren't what made them function or not. :D That was mostly other things, and how people *treated* their histories.

Or if what I'm told was even actual, but that's whole another question.

So while the Q you pose is super interesting and common... it doesn't have to be relevant in your relationship(s) :) You can have a very balanced and healthy one even with both sided complex, or ongoing, trauma.

 

[piratelady]

My trauma started in childhood. My earlier adulthood relationships were with damaged abusive people. Once I got through quite a bit of therapy, I was able to find someone who isn’t abusive. We’ve been married for nearly 3 years now. I think I was able to find him with the help of my therapist. When I decided to start dating again, the first person I found was no good. Therapist helped me see that and get out of the relationship. Then in time I found my husband now.

 

[grit]

I often find equating trauma with mental health issue sort of problematic. So maybe that itself needs some sifting through. I have trauma but I do not qualify for having mental health...I reacted some ways over the years that were maladaptive at times but I also reacted many ways that were healthy so it is hard (IMHO) to reduce people into experiences or conditions.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Even the most traumatic or most mentally ill person is still a human who deserves love, attention, respect and the likes. I am very certain there millions of people who have secured attachment since they arrived on earth and still experience relationships issues that fail apart cause one partner or another did not grow as much or toward same direction as the other.

My input to your comment is this: I have had severe traumas as a child. Some of their residues are still lingering in my character. I married a man from decent and fairly secure attachment (though mom/dad divorce) where my parents stuck out until death. All I can say is this: know you. Know your shit. Know your limit. Have your own goals and autonomy. Try to learn others are similar but yet different and need same thing you do at different times. At the end, aim for mutuality and see what happens. You will be disappointing, hurt, maybe even harmed, but if you are lucky, empathetic (especially to your inner world/parts), you will be OK. Do not worry a partner you have not found yet. Try to be as good to yourself as you can and 'hope' for finding a person who sees that cause they do that for themselves.

 

[Skywatcher]

I looked back over my life. I’ve had really good supportive friendships. Most of which are people with varying degrees of trauma history. When you really look over someone’s life you realize that everyone has experienced some sort of trauma. However, my best friends—one was a CSA survivor (like me), one has c-PTSD from narcissistic parental abuse, another was raped and the other one had a major car accident and medical traumas along with a questionable childhood. The rest have had a bunch of little-T’s but nothing major or ongoing. I guess a variety. My T has pointed out I’ve always done a good job of having “people” and a support system despite the stuff I deal with in my head. I do feel lucky to have this.

 

[airdog]

Thank you all for your answers and welcome.

First (Grit) I never meant to imply that traumatized people are not worth as much as others or should be neglected or shunned in any way. Being one on those I certainly feel I'm worth the best treatment anyone can give me and I always assume others, traumatized or not, feel the same for themselves.

And second I should have specified that I was thinking of romantic relationships, friendships being another matter and although some of the problems found in a love relationship will also pop up in friendships they probably won't be as acute.

And I guess I didn't state this in my question but (granted that's pretty common thinking) not only are "normal" people not really interested in "damaged" people, the reverse is also true. How often have I seen friends repeat a given pattern in relationships going from one physically abusive partner to the other (although each time I told her "take your time, get to know him better before you commit", she just wouldn't listen and would rush in) or from a submissive partner to the next.

Speaking for myself I had one "normal" partner and after 3 years found the relationship so dull (nothing was happening, there was no drama apart from those I created constantly) that I wanted out.

In other words, "normal" people are not interested in us and we're not interested in "normal" people.

Anyway I have now been in the same rocky relationship for the last 24 years (yes I know a long time) and only in the last 2 years have we begun to try to make our lives better and have both realized that we need to do this together, that only one of us trying to heal won't work.

And thus I'm wondering shouldn't therapy, for those who are romantically involved, always be couple therapy?

I don't know, personally I'm suffering from both PTSD and CPTSD so maybe my case is special.

But again thanks so much for your feedback and glad to have joined this community.

 

[grit]

24 years of rocky relationship is really long one and I hope you find a good therapist to help you individually. I am a true believer that a marriage makes whatever ingredient you bring to the recipe worse or better not mediocre! Regardless of how long though, one of the beauty of human spirit is even after that many years with your partner, you are still striving for bettering yourself and your partner!

 

[Movingforward10]

I suppose every person and every relationship is different.
I think couple therapy is about the relationship and individual therapy is about that individual. So it depends what you're doing therapy for?

I'm doing therapy for me as an individual. Yes in therapy I look at relationship things about my partner(in the sense I'm unpicking how my trauma has impacted me in my communication and behaviours in relation to others) , but that is still about me if that makes sense. I'm not asking my partner to change and nor do I think she needs to. I think I need to.

For you,it sounds as though couple therapy would work as you've had a 'rocky' relationship for a long time and you both want your relationship to change?

 

[Friday]

And thus I'm wondering shouldn't therapy, for those who are romantically involved, always be couple therapy?

I don’t personally know any trauma therapists who work that way.

I suppose it might -theoretically- be possible? But I’m not sure how. Which means, if I can’t even figure out a way it might work (at all), that I really can’t 3D out an ideal version.

I’ve only ever done the co-dependent thing once, briefly, in a very short abusive relationship. It’s just not in my nature / not a thing I fully understand. Teamwork, is. The vast majority of my relationships -& the way I strongly prefer to operate- I’ve both lived and worked with my partners, and spend the better part of 24/7/365 with them; so I very much grok teamwork, proximity, loyalty, etc... but not codependence.

So what I’m wondering is if the desire to not work independently with a trauma therapist on your own issues/disorder/past might be a manifestation of that? Also possibly some trauma avoidance, if having your partner in every session with you keeps the focus on them, their thoughts/feelings/actions/reactions, rather than 100% on you? It follows very easily that at best it’s a buffer-zone / distraction between you & your past, and at worst a way to completely avoid your own trauma in favor of what’s going on with them.

That’s not to say that there isn’t a place for a partner IN one’s trauma therapy (a very very small place)... nor that couples therapy isn’t often & strongly recommended in conjunction WITH trauma therapy. Whilst I don’t know any trauma therapist who does couples-trauma-therapy, I also don’t know any who don’t do the occasional joint session, and many -if not most- also do trauma-informed couples therapy (as long as neither partner is their client for trauma-therapy). Because that paragraph looks a little tangled in my head...

- Trauma Therapy (individual, with occasional joint sessions)
- Trauma Informed Couples Therapy

Are 2 very different things. 1 is working with the person themselves, and their disorder, their past, their life. 1 is working with the couple, on their relationship & life together.

No different than working with a couples therapist who is conversant with physical disabilities, or autism, astronauts, etc.. Because whilst not at all uncommon (okay, okay, having an astronaut spouse would be uncommon, but the point being having jobs that are out of the norm, and THAT’S not uncommon), these things do create challenges and difficulties both unique & common to that situation. Looking purely at the disorder-informed, since that’s the issue at hand; Whether someone has ADHD, OCD, PTSD, etc.? That disorder is going to create quirks in a relationship that have zip zero nada zilch in the way of malice attached, but that still need working with & around in the context of a relationship... that’s also not a license to harm. A therapist who is equally conversant with the disorder in play, is both less likely to let shit slide AND less likely to demand the impossible.

 

[Ronin]

@airdog I think your focus on 'normal' as opposed to traumatized is a core belief worth working on... not reality.

Also playing out in *your* relationships - because they are yours - but by no means applicable in other relationships... or world at large.

If you relate better to trauma survivors, awesome...
But that says zilch about how non-trauma people relate to others, themselves.

If your assumption non-traumatized people don't relate was universally correct, I'd lack many very close friends. Some of who I dated back in the day, for a few years.

These generalizations reflect on you, your life & experiences... but not on the dating world.