Kittie's Journal

[Kittie]

And you are, too. And it's a positive thing.


It's hard to get used to people again. I had professors correcting my behavior in discussion forums for years before I felt human, again.

You'll find a way that works for you.

I may have missed something but I think some people were just afraid for you with this creepy guy in your driveway. They felt you might not be safe. In my book, it's alright for them to have fears for you and I feel that you did nothing wrong by discussing your situation. I am sure they feel the same.

That was creepy, I'm just glad he's gone. I thought telling him goodbye was enough, I never would have predicted it would take a strange twist. I seem to hurt people without meaning to, those I know and those I haven't met. I don't know how I manage to bungle up stuff...but if its possible, I'll find a way. I hope I'm forgiven. I'll be much more careful.

 

[RussellSue]

I seem to hurt people without meaning to, those I know and those I haven't met. I don't know how I manage to bungle up stuff...but if its possible, I'll find a way. I hope I'm forgiven. I'll be much more careful.

I don't think you hurt anyone. Again, I may have missed something. But I think people just wanted you to call the police or whatever you needed to and get him out of there because they feared for you. I really, really don't think you did anything wrong. I think you did what you did and people were afraid for you. This does happen when you are in communication with others. No one is right or wrong. No one needs to forgive you.

I'll tell you what I tell my husband nearly every day: it's hard to be a person.

I hope you are alright and are able to relax some this evening.

 

[Kittie]

That's a lovely attitude .But, this particular PART of this place is YOUR diary. So it's perfectly ok to say what you want to. This space is about you, and that's totally the way it should be. Actually, there are a lot of people who have a hard time feeling that it's ok to make something about "them" and it might be good practice. The same thought with the idea of triggering someone somehow. That's part of life. This is a good, and reasonably safe, place to practice. Everyone gets "triggered" by something. We don't learn to cope by learning how to better avoid. You can focus on you in this space, and anyone else you want elsewhere. Don't worry about it!

Thank you. Its a new experience in expressing myself at all. Talking to cats and the monthly therapist phone call is the extent of myself expression, until I found this. I just put my day to day experience here. This was the first time I didn't try to avoid the hard stuff and improve the negative feelings that come with life's tough times. I know I'll never be a book author! At one time, I thought if I could come up with a way of self-encouragement I'd want to share it with the world, that if only one person could benefit, I reached my goal. I even illustrated some pages flowers and animals. I gave up on it years ago. Now its just getting through the days and maintaining the sanity I have.

 

[Kittie]

I don't think you hurt anyone. Again, I may have missed something.

I certainly hope not, it would never be my intention.

But I think people just wanted you to call the police or whatever you needed to and get him out of there because they feared for you. I really, really don't think you did anything wrong. I think you did what you did and people were afraid for you. This does happen when you are in communication with others. No one is right or wrong. No one needs to forgive you.

Not wanting to hurt him more than I have by rejecting him is the main reason I didn't call them...not wanting to add insult to injury. I always try to be the peacemaker.

I'll tell you what I tell my husband nearly every day: it's hard to be a person.

I hope you are alright and are able to relax some this evening.

I'm fine, a bit sad that a nice person was upset by some stupid thing I said...and yes, it's hard to be a person! I've often told my cats, "I wish I were a cat with no bills or other things to stress over...but who would feed us?"

Tonight will be a much better night, thank you. I hope your night is a relaxing one too!

 

[RussellSue]

a nice person was upset by some stupid thing I said

I assume that it was a combo of stress and concern because of your situation and I don't think you said anything stupid.

I also imagine it will work itself out in time. In the meantime, I hope you can try to not assume you did something terrible. I am certain that you did not.

Tonight will be a much better night, thank you. I hope your night is a relaxing one too!

Good!

Thanks! Hubby is home, so all is well with me and his cat.

 

[Kittie]

I assume that it was a combo of stress and concern because of your situation and I don't think you said anything stupid.

I also imagine it will work itself out in time. In the meantime, I hope you can try to not assume you did something terrible. I am certain that you did not.



Good!

Thanks! Hubby is home, so all is well with me and his cat.

Thank you...enjoy your evening.
Someday I'll ask how you make a cat face, thats great!

 

[RussellSue]

Thank you...enjoy your evening.
Someday I'll ask how you make a cat face, thats great!

Are you using your phone? If you are, I am not sure if you can do the cat face. I can't get the Smiles/emojis to work on my phone. If you are able to click on the little smiley face up top of the text box while you are typing a message, he's in there. Apparently, his name is "blank." If I search for "blank" in the search box, he is the only thing that comes up.

Have a good night!

 

[joeylittle]

Just wanted to chime in on this -

If I say anything that triggers anxiety in others. I'm not a benefit to the group.

Believe it or not - the opposite is true. Part of what is so helpful about being with a group of people who understand the illness is - we all know we're gonna get upset sometimes. And depending on how we're doing with symptoms, etc. overall (Stress cup) - we can get reactive.

The "how-to" of the forum, in a nutshell, is "take what's useful and leave the rest".

Everyone who comes to this site will, eventually, get triggered by something. That's totally fine. What matters is how we manage the trigger, and it's a great thing to get to practice sorting out what our own reactions are, how they work. We also don't try and set a standard of politeness here - some people are more blunt than others.

Basically: you do you , and you're doing fine.

 

[Kittie]

Are you using your phone? If you are, I am not sure if you can do the cat face. I can't get the Smiles/emojis to work on my phone. If you are able to click on the little smiley face up top of the text box while you are typing a message, he's in there. Apparently, his name is "blank." If I search for "blank" in the search box, he is the only thing that comes up.

Have a good night!

wow, there are loads of little pictures! There are symbols and these are next to the photos. Thanks!

Have a good night!

 

[Kittie]

Just wanted to chime in on this -

Believe it or not - the opposite is true. Part of what is so helpful about being with a group of people who understand the illness is - we all know we're gonna get upset sometimes. And depending on how we're doing with symptoms, etc. overall (Stress cup) - we can get reactive.

The "how-to" of the forum, in a nutshell, is "take what's useful and leave the rest".

Everyone who comes to this site will, eventually, get triggered by something. That's totally fine. What matters is how we manage the trigger, and it's a great thing to get to practice sorting out what our own reactions are, how they work. We also don't try and set a standard of politeness here - some people are more blunt than others.

Basically: you do you , and you're doing fine.

Thank you, I usually consider the feelings of others before my own, the exception is if I'm in a situation I can't improve...then I bail. Even then, I won't deliberately hurt anyone. There's enough hurt in the world already. Thanks again! I'll feel better when that sinks in...

Take care!

 

[ladee]

Kittie, it is very important to remember that we are on a mental health forum. One of my most disgusting traits is to be impulsive. Especially when I am dysregulated as I am now in my own life.

YOU did nothing wrong. I did. You bring a gentle voice to this forum. And this is your space to share and figure out your life and to grow. And one way to help others is allowing ' and impulsive' statement from someone and then allowing them to grow themselves by coming back and apologizing.

I am the polar opposite of you. I am aggressive and outspoken and come from a different place in regard to trauma. But the most beautiful thing about this place is that we grow together. Each and every one of us is responsible for ourselves here. I took responsibility for my quick comment today, apologized because I truly am sorry for letting my crap splash on you today.

I hope this gives you a laugh. This is how different you and I are. While you were going about that creep being in your driveway like an adult with a plan, I could see myself out there breaking his windshield with a crowbar, letting him know 'NO means NO cowboy'.. No, I hope I wouldn't have actually acted that out, I have grown a lot.

And things translate awkwardly into the written word sometimes. What it was, I was really worried about you. Many of us here have domestic abuse in our backgrounds. And THAT is what you were hearing in my words. Fear for you.

What I did not stop to consider, is that you had it under control. Or I was really hoping you did. And what I did was express my concerns in a way that you are not used to. It does NOT make my impulsiveness right. So I apologized. It had NOTHING to do with you, it was my own history I was reacting to.

And what happens on this forum is 'exposure therapy'. We are exposed to things from our own past that the majority of the time, people respond and not react like I did.

You taking it on and thinking you did something wrong is part of your history. And together we had a 'moment' of healing for both of us. For me to take full responsibility for my actions, and for you to say, ' whoops, touched a sore spot with that one, hope she's ok'. And move on.

We are still getting to know each other here in your diary. Now you know why I have been banned twice for impulse replies. That was years ago, thank goodness, glad you weren't here back then!!! But under no circumstances was anything laid at your feet today. I was wrong, owned it, apologized and now we move on. I don't apologize unless I mean it from my heart.

I come from a past that would have been very scary and unpredictable. It was my 'normal'. So, I'm asking you to not take on something that was not yours. I do feel bad it turned into what it did.

You are not here to 'take care of us'. You are here to grown and challenge yourself and learn to be an authentic YOU. I am responsible for being in 'meltdown mode' already today with things that had nothing whatsoever to do with you.

I am asking you to let us both grow from this. What I did was not ok and you don't have to fix me, I'm doing that myself. It was MY stuff this morning. MINE. It had nothing to do with you.

I hope you continue to stay here and grow and we all have moments here. I have to take a break from here (from the forum) because that is the healthy thing for me to do. We each have a responsibility to read something and pass on by.

I'm not condoning my actions. But I was worried about you. And you are going to meet many people from very different lives, so keep that door open. Learn about us too. But not to fix us. More so to be grateful you didn't walk the same paths as some of us. I could not have survived what you did. That is a strength I do not have.

You have a lot to teach us. So that is my words to you. Can you and I start over? I'll be a lot more mindful and maybe you can just let it be a learning time for being here.

It's YOUR diary. Say what you need to. YOUR place. And let's celebrate our differences, not let it divide us.

 

[Kittie]

Kittie, it is very important to remember that we are on a mental health forum. One of my most disgusting traits is to be impulsive. Especially when I am dysregulated as I am now in my own life.

YOU did nothing wrong. I did. You bring a gentle voice to this forum. And this is your space to share and figure out your life and to grow. And one way to help others is allowing ' and impulsive' statement from someone and then allowing them to grow themselves by coming back and apologizing.

I am the polar opposite of you. I am aggressive and outspoken and come from a different place in regard to trauma. But the most beautiful thing about this place is that we grow together. Each and every one of us is responsible for ourselves here. I took responsibility for my quick comment today, apologized because I truly am sorry for letting my crap splash on you today.

No worries! I was sad that you might not speak to me again! I feel better now! (Whew!)

I hope this gives you a laugh. This is how different you and I are. While you were going about that creep being in your driveway like an adult with a plan, I could see myself out there breaking his windshield with a crowbar, letting him know 'NO means NO cowboy'.. No, I hope I wouldn't have actually acted that out, I have grown a lot.

I was just gonna sit here and let him freeze, it resolved itself. I need some of your spunk! Crowbar...hmmm... (now I'm smiling!) Tonight I actually learned how, so you get my first smile!

And things translate awkwardly into the written word sometimes. What it was, I was really worried about you. Many of us here have domestic abuse in our backgrounds. And THAT is what you were hearing in my words. Fear for you.

I'm sorry and now it dawns on me. I don't fear him. He had become a bit of a nuisance but no response was the best response. I learned I wasn't the nutty one. I whine now and then, but I'll work on keeping it to a minimum. When I wrote it, I was steaming mad and venting. It wasn't meant for anyone to worry, but now I see why they would.

What I did not stop to consider, is that you had it under control. Or I was really hoping you did. And what I did was express my concerns in a way that you are not used to. It does NOT make my impulsiveness right. So I apologized. It had NOTHING to do with you, it was my own history I was reacting to.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. No one should ever have to. You also don't need to apologize. I apologize for bringing up bad feelings for you...hug?

And what happens on this forum is 'exposure therapy'. We are exposed to things from our own past that the majority of the time, people respond and not react like I did.

You taking it on and thinking you did something wrong is part of your history. And together we had a 'moment' of healing for both of us. For me to take full responsibility for my actions, and for you to say, ' whoops, touched a sore spot with that one, hope she's ok'. And move on.

Healing together and not letting things stop progress is the most important thing. We hit bumps in the road and keep riding. Life can be hard that way, its good to care about one another. Sometimes a place like this is all someone has. Reading books is good, but there's no real interaction with books. Real people healing together is the best kind of healing.

We are still getting to know each other here in your diary. Now you know why I have been banned twice for impulse replies. That was years ago, thank goodness, glad you weren't here back then!!! But under no circumstances was anything laid at your feet today. I was wrong, owned it, apologized and now we move on. I don't apologize unless I mean it from my heart.

You don't need to apologize, but I'm just relieved we're on good terms! It's over and past...the future is where the healing will be found. May we all find it!

I come from a past that would have been very scary and unpredictable. It was my 'normal'. So, I'm asking you to not take on something that was not yours. I do feel bad it turned into what it did.

I wish I could send a hug that makes it all ok, but that's my dream world talking. I'll support you however I can, you've been there for me and I'm here for you.

You are not here to 'take care of us'. You are here to grown and challenge yourself and learn to be an authentic YOU. I am responsible for being in 'meltdown mode' already today with things that had nothing whatsoever to do with you.

I am asking you to let us both grow from this. What I did was not ok and you don't have to fix me, I'm doing that myself. It was MY stuff this morning. MINE. It had nothing to do with you.

The thing called "life", we're all in it together!

I hope you continue to stay here and grow and we all have moments here. I have to take a break from here (from the forum) because that is the healthy thing for me to do. We each have a responsibility to read something and pass on by.

I'll miss you until you come back. (don't be long, but do what you need to for you)

I'm not condoning my actions. But I was worried about you. And you are going to meet many people from very different lives, so keep that door open. Learn about us too. But not to fix us. More so to be grateful you didn't walk the same paths as some of us. I could not have survived what you did. That is a strength I do not have.

No one knows what they can survive until they have to. I told a physical therapist my seat number was just a lottery ticket.

You have a lot to teach us. So that is my words to you. Can you and I start over? I'll be a lot more mindful and maybe you can just let it be a learning time for being here.

Absolutely! I was truly hoping that would be the outcome! Every day more is learned, as a group and individually.

It's YOUR diary. Say what you need to. YOUR place. And let's celebrate our differences, not let it divide us.

May nothing ever divide us!
I rant at times, my way of sorting feelings. I try to remain calm and carry on (I saw that saying on a t-shirt) but sometimes I get so frustrated I used to handle it by writing it out and throwing the paper away...in the garbage, where it belongs. This Diary thing is a new concept. One thing I've learned from it is I'm still bat$#!t crazy.

I wish you nothing but the best, now and always!