Kittie's Journal

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
It's all good Kittie. I wish you had some of my spunk too!! And to think how much I have calmed down is scary, even to me!! I've worked hard to find a balance. But sometimes my stress cup is full and I don't self regulate.

So, heart hugs and onward thru the fog!!! We are just keeping it real. That's how this works. Thanks for having a good heart Kittie. And glad the creepy dude went away. And ya, a crowbar!! Ahhhh those were the days!! Behind me now.

Stay safe Kittie. Many of us here really care about you. You may experience some culture shock on occasion, But the fact we all get to come together on this forum is a blessing.

And I wouldn't want anyone to take away my past. It has helped me to be the woman I am today. That's a good thing. Take care Kittie. I'll only be gone a few days. Just need to rest more and breathe.

And as far as 'these things shouldn't have happened', well they did. To all of us for whatever our stories are. You are among (and one yourself) some of the strongest people on this planet.

And don't start editing your words. Defeats the purpose of a diary. You can't protect us, just tell us how you are feeling and what's going on and the rest is up to us.

We'll just keep on keepin' on!! Gentle hugs.
 

Kittie

Confident
It's all good Kittie. I wish you had some of my spunk too!! And to think how much I have calmed down is scary, even to me!! I've worked hard to find a balance. But sometimes my stress cup is full and I don't self regulate.

So, heart hugs and onward thru the fog!!! We are just keeping it real. That's how this works. Thanks for having a good heart Kittie. And glad the creepy dude went away. And ya, a crowbar!! Ahhhh those were the days!! Behind me now.

Stay safe Kittie. Many of us here really care about you. You may experience some culture shock on occasion, But the fact we all get to come together on this forum is a blessing.

And I wouldn't want anyone to take away my past. It has helped me to be the woman I am today. That's a good thing. Take care Kittie. I'll only be gone a few days. Just need to rest more and breathe.

And as far as 'these things shouldn't have happened', well they did. To all of us for whatever our stories are. You are among (and one yourself) some of the strongest people on this planet.

And don't start editing your words. Defeats the purpose of a diary. You can't protect us, just tell us how you are feeling and what's going on and the rest is up to us.

We'll just keep on keepin' on!! Gentle hugs.
I want to reply but got a message from a moderator that I'm making a mistake in the technical part of trying to reply, maybe the smile face shouldn't have been used? (This will be my last reply to anyone but I'll give a thumbs up). I was given instructions that I don't understand and I have difficulty learning complicated things. I've asked for an explanation "for dummies". When I get a simplified answer that I can understand, I'll be able to use this correctly. I'm like a big special-ed kid learning confusing things, my brain can't register the codes for replying. I thought I figured it out but not correctly. Sorry!!!

Best wishes forever, to you and everyone! Hugs!
 

Freida

Sponsor
I agree with @scout86 -- this place is for your benefit first, others second. We all learn from each other which means making mistakes and then recovering from them. Part of the struggle is being on line - so what is written may not always come across as intended. It's really not a big deal. If people get upset then it's a good opportunity for them to understand why THEY reacted like they did - not about what you said. If that makes sense?

It's kind of why there are no trigger warnings - because the expectation is that there are going to be a lot of things talked about that are upsetting. It's why the site exists.

There is a safety net also-- if you get way off track the mods will gently step in and redirect you. They are really good at that (as said by someone who has been on the receiving end 😁)
 

Kittie

Confident
I miss the simple life.
After embarrassing myself at the grocery store by making a $10 mistake and having to have some items removed, I dug around in the junk drawer to find the calculator for next time. I've used one on this phone but can't find it now. After I ate, I agonized over the instruction manual and it doesn't mention the calculator. (I never touch the X on anything I ever want to see again!) Somehow, I X'd it. In some ways, this is a nice phone but giving a smart phone to a dumb person is a stupid idea! I enjoy the radio, it can play stations from all over...even Jamaica! The games are sometimes calming. The best accomplishment was finding this place and even better, learning to add photos! No one showed me (but I did ask a lot of questions before I got one to work). I was amazed I could learn something new.

Anything I learned before 1989 is as fresh as yesterday, but I don't remember yesterday. My knowledge is old stuff. Learning has become challenging and frustrating. I'm stuck with the knowledge I have and can't learn how to learn.

The physical body is different. I can know my goal and keep working harder until I can relearn. My brain doesn't work that way. It has a certain capacity and that's all. Anything new that's important gets written in a notebook.

I don't need a phone that tells me the weather, I can look outside. I don't need or understand 99% of what this thing does. It frustrates the hell out of me. I offered to give it back to my former friend but he said he got it for me. I'd like to let the service expire and take my old one to the phone store and see if the service can be restored. It was simple and easy. I thought this one might be my new best friend since I don't have people in my life, but I drive myself up the wall trying to understand it.

Most things I find to read is information to help myself overcome anxiety, stress, ptsd...joke of the day, recipes, relaxation music, meditation sounds. This place is the first experience with interacting with real people. That was overwhelmingly special but there's so much I don't know and the instructions are over my head. I feel like a burden more than being beneficial.

What comes easy to others is like a brick wall to me. My computer experience is practically zero unless news editing counts and veterinary office records. I see this phone as a mini computer and I want to put it in a drawer and give up. I saw the phones in the store, they're all modern like this. Because I often go out into the wild, its wise to have a way to call for help if something goes wrong. I should keep a cellphone for that reason, otherwise the wall phone would be fine. The phone store people said my phone was the oldest they'd ever seen.

Not only do I not understand technology, I don't communicate well. I think I ventured into a place I should have stopped at just reading. I learned that in addition to ptsd, people have other problems also. I'm not alone with that. I didn't stay in touch with the friends I made years ago at physical therapy or shared a hospital room with. We cheered each other up, but when someone went home, it was a happy time for them. I got along with my roommates. I felt more comfortable with other messed up people than returning back to the normal world. We were all "different " which made us all the same.

I feel like a lost kid sometimes, in a world that evolved without me. Partly that's my fault for isolating and partly because I became a stranger to myself. I spend as much time in the past as in the present, not always in a healthy way. Still trying to come to terms with how I ended up this way and how to overcome it. I have to look more at the future but thats hard when I can't make sense of today. Nothing is as it was when I blended in with life. The world got too complicated for my simple mind to comprehend.

I wish I could live in a community of people that are similar to me. I knew of one person who went to an apartment complex for people who couldn't handle life on their own. I would've chosen that, but I had family. She also had considerably more damage than I had. I'm grateful for what I have but I'm also extremely frustrated that I recovered physically better than mentally. I think I should keep my life as simple as possible. It would alleviate a lot of stress.

All the brain teaser puzzles and quizzes, improve IQ exercises and similar things don't help anymore. I was given a workbook years ago to retrain my brain, I finished it when I got home. It drove me nuts but helped a lot. What I have now is the result of that, it wasn't easy. It was worth it. When I reached the end of mental progression, I started feeling stagnant. I've tried creating my own but can't. I've met some tbi people who are in sad shape and I should hush and be grateful, but what I really want is to be me again.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
If I cut off my pinky and you cut off your whole hand, we'd both have experienced pain and loss, even if they are to different extents. It's okay to mourn your own loss even if someone else has "had it worse". I personally hate toxic positivity that tells people to be grateful for what they have because someone else has it worse. Loss and other tragic happenings are not competitions. At the end of the day, I honestly believe that 99% of people are genuinely doing the best that they can do. If that's true, than having struggles and difficulties are worthy of being acknowledged. We all have our stuff.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
You're not a dumb person. You're a person who's brain works differently than it used to and differently than many other people. That doesn't make you dumb, it just makes you different and different isn't the same as bad or defective.

For the record, it took me a long time to be able to consistently find the calculator on my phone. (And, for the record, I couldn't have spelled "calculator" to save my life if it wasn't for spellcheck.) I don't know how your phone is set up, obviously. On mine, on the main screen, at bottom, there's a bunch of circles arranged in a square, at the bottom of the screen. It says "Apps" under it. That's the important part. I'm sure the details vary, but I'm also sure every phone probably has a master list of "apps" that is identified as such. The way I work my way through stuff like this, figuring out the path to that list was an important first step. And, worst case, there's a way to return everything to the default settings. What's been my salvation with this phone, a number of times, is there's a young woman who works at the local store for my cellphone provider who earns her living answering questions like "Why is nothing happening when I try to type something into my phone?" (I have no idea the actual reason. Turning the phone off & back on fixed it. Who knew?) Anyway, it's her job. She actually seems to like it and is pretty good at it. She's a life saver. (And it's fun to watch her reaction when I express my appreciation as extravagantly as possible! LOL)
When I reached the end of mental progression, I started feeling stagnant. I've tried creating my own but can't.
THAT would be a problem! Just the feeling stagnant part would be a problem. I can see why you would have trouble creating something like the workbook. That would be a little like someone who's drowning and can't swim having to come up with a do it yourself rescue. But, it seems like there must be SOMETHING out there. In fact, there might even be people researching brain injuries who would be happy to have someone help them figure out better ways to help.

Don't give up! There are way more important things about a human being than their ability to do perfect math. You've got a ton of people skills, near as I can tell. Those are probably the most valuable skills of all. (I could tell a bunch of stories about dumb things that have happened because my short term memory is pretty unpredictable, and I don't even HAVE a TBI to explain it.)
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I have to comment on your post Kittie. I do not have a TBI, but this past year has taken a toll on my brain. I can't even remember this morning, and can't remember much of the past either.

There is nothing dumb about you. Nothing. I understand the frustration of looking at my phone and thinking 'what sorcery is this??' and I don't even have a newer phone!! They are going to laugh when I go in to get a new phone. They will say the same thing to me that was said to you. Yep, my phone came over on the Mayflower will be my answer!!

Do you have a computer, or laptop? When I have to use my phone I get so frustrated for a hundred different reasons. And I know you are speaking of more than your phone.

But here one of the many things so great about being on this site. You meet people who cherish the things that are right and good about you. Your depth of caring for others. That is a quality we can all learn from you.

Learning our way around a site can be confusing and overwhelming without other problems.

Give us time to learn about you. I find you such a caring person and I need some of that gentleness in my life. I need someone to teach me how not to go at life hell bent for leather. (whatever that means. lol)

We are saying ' please don't leave'. You are needed here. You are wanted here. And you have things you need to share with others. We are a huge diverse group of people who in many cases English is not their first language. I can't begin to imagine how frustrating it is to translate into a language I speak every day and never think about it.

One of the things you are already teaching me is, to not take things for granted. Which I try to stay in an attitude of gratitude but some days, no so much!!!

You are accepted here. You are among a group of people, that sometimes, by societies standards, are 'misfits'. You are NOT dumb. Life has become too complicated. I am an old lady that is really having a hard time keeping up with technology.

So go get you a more simple phone. Or a laptop that you can use without it blowing your mind.

Many gentle hugs sent to you Kittie. You are accepted here. And very much cared about. Don't give up. Talk with you soon I hope.
 

RussellSue

Not Active
I felt more comfortable with other messed up people than returning back to the normal world. We were all "different " which made us all the same.
That's how I remember my childhood hospital mates, disabled kids at the clinic, etc. I still feel more comfortable with other messed up people.

I am sorry that you are having a hard time. I hope that you can tough the bumps in the road out here long enough to realize that we all have them. I have gotten messages from moderators telling me I did this or that wrong, have gotten my feelings hurt in here, been in disagreements, etc. And, like you, I beat the crap out of myself for every single one, assuming that I failed in some terminally ridiculous and embarrassing way. I chose to feel the feelings and keep moving forward just because and eventually came to the conclusion that it may be alright for me to do things incorrectly from time to time which became really beneficial to me because it helps me in real life, as well.

You are dealing with a lot suddenly socializing, having a boyfriend/not having a boyfriend, dealing with pill issues, etc. These stressors affect the noggins of people who have chronic anxiety and probably more so those of people who have TBI and chronic anxiety.

You have made some messed up friends here, too. Maybe you don't think we're all that messed up but maybe we don't think you're all that messed up for the same reason: because we are all "different" as well. It's harder to see online - that's all.

I hope that you can feel at home here and stop beating yourself up. No one here thinks you are a burden. It doesn't matter if you do things "wrong" here. I've been around here long enough to know the difference between a person who is an asset and a person who is creating problems. You are in the first category.

I don't communicate well.
That is not true at all. You communicate very well. What you seem to struggle with more is the idea that people won't always "get" what you are saying no matter how well you communicate and even more importantly, that it's fine when they don't. Sometimes people won't get what you are saying because they lack experience. Sometimes people won't get what you are saying because they slept poorly, sometimes they might be high, sometimes they might be hungry, angry, or just really struggling that day - sometimes the TV is too loud, sometimes the dog is barking, sometimes they just read too fast - ETC, ETC, ETC....

Kittie, you aren't failing. No one thinks that but you and you are mistaken. What you are doing is called struggling with a lot of new things. And a lot of other people have their own things going on.

I can appreciate missing a more functional brain. I miss mine, too, and I am sorry you have to fight as you do. But I don't think you are losing that fight. You have been rocking socializing in here. People are interested in you and how you have managed to survive what you have and still be an obviously decent and caring person.

I hope that you taking care of yourself continues to include this site and us. I relate to you VERY much and knowing that you and Simon are rolling around on a magic hula hoop thingie somewhere in Utah makes me smile. ;blank;

I also hope you are having a better day, today. 😺
 

RussellSue

Not Active
This may be repeat information @Kittie but I also wanted to point out that you went from isolating to interacting in here a lot and that by doing so, you did add a variety of new stressors to your life. It may have been too much to start with. There's nothing wrong with not being around as much.

There is also nothing "wrong" with not being around at all, if that is what you feel you need to do. My main concern is you giving up on socializing altogether because you feel like you failed.

You probably know this but social interaction is really important for brain health. Of course, if/when a person's social interactions cause severe anxiety, this is probably less true but taking baby steps through the early stages can make it possible for a person to have all the benefits of socializing with less of the anxiety.

The idea of you continuing to isolate really bothers me. The fact that I went through nearly 15 years of pretty steady isolation is probably the biggest reason it bothers me.

I have been reading about the struggles I had when I came out of isolation in your journal. I was sensitive, felt completely inept, thought everything I did was wrong, and left this particular group for maybe two years after getting a taste of what interacting here was going to be like. I only came back a few months ago, after having a little time out in the world to desensitize myself to the complication that is other people. I was also in online school at the start of my time in this group, where I had the luxury of being taught to engage in online discussion. But things were more personal here and it added a new layer of stress.

I don't know how well you are able to moderate things. I tend to be all or nothing. But if you can pull back the reins here a little without giving up, you might be able to manage the emotional aspect of getting used to people, again. You jumped in here. I don't feel like it was a careful toe-dipping. This was bound to be overwhelming for a person who has been isolated.

By the way, have you considered trying to track down the other survivors of that flight? It might be very healing for you if you could. And I imagine that a few social media requests to find those people could make things happen pretty quickly.

Sorry, I don't mean to be overwhelming. That is part of what I do "wrong" on a daily basis.

Whatever choices you make or have made @Kittie, I hope you give yourself a chance to socialize. It may help your brain in ways that you cannot imagine.

We aren't meant to be alone and you are not so broken that you need to be separated from the world. In fact, there's a huge empathetic part of you that is more full of life than most of us and the fact that it is not broken is all about who you are and the incredible things you have done right. You are my kind of "messed up."

Me fearing missing/losing you is selfish but it breaks my heart to think you might continue to isolate from the whole world. I hope for better for you. You deserve better. And the world needs people like you to show them that rolling over and dying isn't the answer.

I woke up at 3:00 this morning just hoping you would find a way to be in the world with other people. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I hope you can give yourself some patience and compassion. You are no failure. You'll always be a little ass kicker to me with your Simon suit and your continued progress after this million years of fighting you have done.

It's always going to be hard to be a person. It is easier with friends but getting used to having any is yet another challenge.

Whatever you do, please don't give up on socializing, whenever and wherever. You have enough hurt and challenges. Spending the rest of your life alone does not have to be one of them.

I will be thinking about you and praying for your peace. I wish I could do so much more.
 

ms spock

Sponsor
I want to reply but got a message from a moderator that I'm making a mistake in the technical part of trying to reply,
We have all done this - made mistakes and got it wrong - you are certainly not alone in that.

I thought I figured it out but not correctly. Sorry!!!
I have done this.

I suffer from severe social anxiety, maladaptive day dreaming, self recriminations and corrosive self doubt and what @RussellSue said was true and timely. I go through most of that. What @RussellSue said is really important.
 
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