Chris-duck
Policy Enforcement
Hey,
So I have a trauma T, and I lowkey think he's used to cases #worse than my own. And he knows I think that, and also thinks I'm being a dumbarse (My words, not his). But basically the thing we struggle with is avoidance of feelz (zoning out, minimising, whatever feels most available at the time). And I can do T exposure stuff and feel crap and yay actual exposure, but doing imaginal exposure with him, it's like an audience where I've already braced myself before cos I know it's coming, and no way am I showing any vulnerability with an audience. I don't think that reflects how "safe" I feel with him, although "safe" is a weird concept to me in general.
So for homework, there's daily mindfulness shit (I hate it, he knows I hate it, but I am willing to try because I know I hate it cos it makes me #feel), and when shit comes into my brain I let it and then write out whatever that memory or whatever was. Also, banned from overtime at work, cos I've totes been overdoing it, but hey. To my point:
Since T I'm basically constantly bracing myself for whatever, cos I know if I get triggered or something pops into my mind I need to let it and then write it out, so like my subconscious brain is like "There is no homework until something pops in" Which is technically true, but also, as much as this post makes it sound like I don't, I do wanna like not be like this. I dunno how to get past my subconscious "Okay, so if things pop in, let them so OMG DONT LET ANYTHING POP IN!" So I'm open to suggestions, a "omg right me too", or like anything. Cos I feel like I'm being an absolute douche by not embracing every #opportunityforgrowth.
Ta guys
So I have a trauma T, and I lowkey think he's used to cases #worse than my own. And he knows I think that, and also thinks I'm being a dumbarse (My words, not his). But basically the thing we struggle with is avoidance of feelz (zoning out, minimising, whatever feels most available at the time). And I can do T exposure stuff and feel crap and yay actual exposure, but doing imaginal exposure with him, it's like an audience where I've already braced myself before cos I know it's coming, and no way am I showing any vulnerability with an audience. I don't think that reflects how "safe" I feel with him, although "safe" is a weird concept to me in general.
So for homework, there's daily mindfulness shit (I hate it, he knows I hate it, but I am willing to try because I know I hate it cos it makes me #feel), and when shit comes into my brain I let it and then write out whatever that memory or whatever was. Also, banned from overtime at work, cos I've totes been overdoing it, but hey. To my point:
Since T I'm basically constantly bracing myself for whatever, cos I know if I get triggered or something pops into my mind I need to let it and then write it out, so like my subconscious brain is like "There is no homework until something pops in" Which is technically true, but also, as much as this post makes it sound like I don't, I do wanna like not be like this. I dunno how to get past my subconscious "Okay, so if things pop in, let them so OMG DONT LET ANYTHING POP IN!" So I'm open to suggestions, a "omg right me too", or like anything. Cos I feel like I'm being an absolute douche by not embracing every #opportunityforgrowth.
Ta guys