Smile
MyPTSD Pro
Warning: things are laid out clearly & disgustingly so donāt read ahead if you canāt.
I have tiny snippets of memories from being raped as a child & although I canāt guarantee theyāre all real, things have gotten worse lately.
in my 30+ years of recurring nightmares & pieces of memories, the gist is that my dad raped me with my mom encouraging/orchestrating it on the side.
mom more sure that my dad did it. Unsure whether mom being there is real or the child in me wanting her to protect me.
(I currently live with mom).
lately I havenāt been able to look at her face without getting nauseous.
the other night I shared a meal with her (something I try VERY hard not to do) and couldnāt look at her, could barely make conversation. Then I noticed the fancy plastic silverware she uses & got an image of stabbing her in the heart with a fancy plastic knife. I finally had to stop eating because I almost threw up. I left the room.
I know, I know, Iām a horrible person. Buy I feel like Iām living with my rapist.
spoke to T about it & sheās going to look into supportive housing for me.
OBVIOUSLY I would never actually hurt her... my brain scared me with the thought!
anyone else experience anything similar?
I feel so horrible, so crappy & of course can barely sleep
I have tiny snippets of memories from being raped as a child & although I canāt guarantee theyāre all real, things have gotten worse lately.
in my 30+ years of recurring nightmares & pieces of memories, the gist is that my dad raped me with my mom encouraging/orchestrating it on the side.
mom more sure that my dad did it. Unsure whether mom being there is real or the child in me wanting her to protect me.
(I currently live with mom).
lately I havenāt been able to look at her face without getting nauseous.
the other night I shared a meal with her (something I try VERY hard not to do) and couldnāt look at her, could barely make conversation. Then I noticed the fancy plastic silverware she uses & got an image of stabbing her in the heart with a fancy plastic knife. I finally had to stop eating because I almost threw up. I left the room.
I know, I know, Iām a horrible person. Buy I feel like Iām living with my rapist.
spoke to T about it & sheās going to look into supportive housing for me.
OBVIOUSLY I would never actually hurt her... my brain scared me with the thought!
anyone else experience anything similar?
I feel so horrible, so crappy & of course can barely sleep