human007
Policy Enforcement
Why i can never love anyone?
Is it because of all the childhood abuse i have been through? everyone taken advantage of me? people leaving me? my family never love me? no one ever love me truly? is it because of on going trauma that i have to deal everyday? is it because low self-esteem and low self-worth? is it because i'm never able to love myself? is it because everyday, my family treat me as if i'm never deserving of love?
I don't think i ever felt true love. Does it really exist? what does people feel when they truly love someone?
I don't remember the last time i ever felt i love someone. is love scary?
I feel like feeling that i thought was "love" never actually love.
I am 20 years old and i have been in so much relationships that i can't even count anymore since it always failed in the end. The first time i ever date someone was back when i was in middle school. it was too early and i never understand how it works and what should i do, i only desired to be loved. so i play with someone's feeling that probably truly love me. or maybe not, i don't know. I have BPD and i always ruin every healthy relationship i have. Or was it really healthy relationship? i don't know. No one ever teach me about love, even my parents and my sibling, they never do, all they do was ruining me and scarred me for life.
I feel like i have always been a codependent and i don't know how to change it or fix it by myself. And there is no help either.
Most of my relationship are abusive relationship and i have always be a codependent that keep trying to satisfy them but never satisfy myself and do not care about my own happiness. i just want my partner to be happy and even if their happiness means my sorrowness then i'm willing to take it. But i never love them, i never do. I just love the idea being in a relationship, being loved. But i never actually love anyone, or anything. It's not that hard for me to end a relationship with them and forget them, unless i have had a trauma bond with them. But it was never hard to actually leave and find another person.
I just broke up with my narcissist ex a month ago. It was the most horrible relationship i've ever had and the most painful relationship. I can't believe i let a man do that to me. And i can't believe i keep coming back for 10 times no matter how i was horribly abused. but now i'm finally able to break free with him after how much he have called me names, telling me to kill myself, calling me crazy and scary for putting a knife in my mouth because of him and call me selfish for wanting to unalive myself because of him. I have learned better and higher up my expectation and manage to see the sign of narcissist easily from now on.
But even when i'm dating him, i always know i never actually love him, it's all just codependency.
I have a nice friend that helped me to see the light and tell me that i was dating a narcissist. when i was breaking up and coming back on and off with my narcissist ex, my friend was so mad at me and left me because i was very inconsistent, he kept saying how i wasted his time, that i'm evil just like everyone else because i keep picking my friend up and throw him away like a trash. he said by being with my ex i'm attemping suicide and i will go to hell because god hates people like me, even after i told my friend all the physical and emotinal abuse i've been through, he still didn't softened up, he was very harsh to me and i keep apologizing. I don't understand why my friend was so harsh to me knowing the abuse i have been through not only by my family but also my ex. and him saying i keep pick him up and throw him to trash, but me and my friend was never even dating at the time. my friend kept saying he can treat me better and how he have been crazy about me over a year.
After i finally able to break up from my ex. Me and my friend started dating, sort of. but it's complicated. i'm still not ready for love, relationship, anything at all. and i still can't forget how he was so harsh to me. he have severe mental issues too and my codependent ass always prioritize him more than me. i feel scared of him, to fully be honest and tell him my feeling. whenever i try to be honest about my feeling he immediately attack, i mean... like immediately say harsh words or saying how much i hurt him etc. i always feel guilt whenever i try to express my feeling and i always apologize way too much and he didn't seem to care much that i kept apologizing again and again, he could've said "you don't need to apologize, its all fine" but he doesn't.. he let me feel guilty and keep apolozing.
its like in the end it always my fault and i always hurting him.
I don't feel love for him at the moment. i have love for him as a bestfriend, but he love me as a partner. well me and him have the same exact moral values, brain, sexuality, even our birthday is close. we are like a twin separated by county and different family. but i'm not sure if he is the right one and what i want... i'm not sure if i'm really happy with him. but usually when i feel happy with a partner, turned out my partner is fake and hurt me in the end and the happiness is temporary. i'm scared to be alone, i'm scared to have no one care about me and no one listen to my daily struggle. my friend (or i should say partner?) is the only one who care about me and listen to my problem. but whenever i be honest he immediately label me as bad person or tell me how much i hurt him and attack me as in being harsh to me.
idk if it's maybe his mental issue that make him acted that way. but i always say nice things to him and ignore my feeling in the sake of his happiness. i'm not sure if i can live without him. but i'm also not sure if he is my true love and maybe i just need time to be able to love him. i feel like he didnt care to give me so much guilt, if it was me i would never do that to someone. but he would tell me how much i made him extremely sad, how much i hurt him and make him the worst. is he really the one? is he really what i want? why my heart and my head is empty? maybe i should just stick ad friends with him? but i also love attention and sweet words from him? i feel like whenever i say my feeling to him, it's not entirely honest and i'm just forcing myself. but if i stay as friend and he hate me forever, will i regret it? will i regret to let go of the only person who cares about me?
he recently said this during our argument "No, you don't. You love what I can do for you. You love that I listen to everything you have to say, and am attentive to your needs, and that I try to help you any way I can. But, you don't want to do the same for me. And, then I thought we were dating this whole time, but apparently we never were. I know that I've had a particularly bad week this past week, far more so than my usual junk, but I never asked you to do anything about it, I wasn't expecting anything, I was just telling you how my day went. I'm sorry that that was too much. I guess I should thank you for revealing this before anything got even deeper.", maybe.. the first line is true but i do want to do the same for him but sometimes its really depressing and frustating me that he feels bad everyday due to his mental and physical illness. is it selfish? but i still did help him as much as i can.
we managed to passed the argument, but i feel like sometimes he kinda give me punishment by saying stuff like "If people who love each other aren't there for each other in the dark times, then they have nothing. It's just part of life." "If people who love each other aren't there for each other in the dark times, then they have nothing. It's just part of life.". it makes me feel extremely guilty. i feel like i keep apologizing all the time... but he never apologize for his harsh words in the past.
I'm scared.. if he hate me and leave me, will i ever find someone who have the same exact moral values and care about me and want to help me as much as him? i hate myself why can't i feel love to him? i'm really scared, i don't want to be alone. i rather d*e than being alone. thats the worst. i have no one. no friends, family, no one.
I feel like maybe we should stay friends for now but i also want him to be sweet to me? but ofc he cant do that if we are friends. will i ever meet true love?
i'm scared to tell him everything. i feel like i'm such a bad person. he probably think i'm a bad person.
everything is so complicated.
Is it because of all the childhood abuse i have been through? everyone taken advantage of me? people leaving me? my family never love me? no one ever love me truly? is it because of on going trauma that i have to deal everyday? is it because low self-esteem and low self-worth? is it because i'm never able to love myself? is it because everyday, my family treat me as if i'm never deserving of love?
I don't think i ever felt true love. Does it really exist? what does people feel when they truly love someone?
I don't remember the last time i ever felt i love someone. is love scary?
I feel like feeling that i thought was "love" never actually love.
I am 20 years old and i have been in so much relationships that i can't even count anymore since it always failed in the end. The first time i ever date someone was back when i was in middle school. it was too early and i never understand how it works and what should i do, i only desired to be loved. so i play with someone's feeling that probably truly love me. or maybe not, i don't know. I have BPD and i always ruin every healthy relationship i have. Or was it really healthy relationship? i don't know. No one ever teach me about love, even my parents and my sibling, they never do, all they do was ruining me and scarred me for life.
I feel like i have always been a codependent and i don't know how to change it or fix it by myself. And there is no help either.
Most of my relationship are abusive relationship and i have always be a codependent that keep trying to satisfy them but never satisfy myself and do not care about my own happiness. i just want my partner to be happy and even if their happiness means my sorrowness then i'm willing to take it. But i never love them, i never do. I just love the idea being in a relationship, being loved. But i never actually love anyone, or anything. It's not that hard for me to end a relationship with them and forget them, unless i have had a trauma bond with them. But it was never hard to actually leave and find another person.
I just broke up with my narcissist ex a month ago. It was the most horrible relationship i've ever had and the most painful relationship. I can't believe i let a man do that to me. And i can't believe i keep coming back for 10 times no matter how i was horribly abused. but now i'm finally able to break free with him after how much he have called me names, telling me to kill myself, calling me crazy and scary for putting a knife in my mouth because of him and call me selfish for wanting to unalive myself because of him. I have learned better and higher up my expectation and manage to see the sign of narcissist easily from now on.
But even when i'm dating him, i always know i never actually love him, it's all just codependency.
I have a nice friend that helped me to see the light and tell me that i was dating a narcissist. when i was breaking up and coming back on and off with my narcissist ex, my friend was so mad at me and left me because i was very inconsistent, he kept saying how i wasted his time, that i'm evil just like everyone else because i keep picking my friend up and throw him away like a trash. he said by being with my ex i'm attemping suicide and i will go to hell because god hates people like me, even after i told my friend all the physical and emotinal abuse i've been through, he still didn't softened up, he was very harsh to me and i keep apologizing. I don't understand why my friend was so harsh to me knowing the abuse i have been through not only by my family but also my ex. and him saying i keep pick him up and throw him to trash, but me and my friend was never even dating at the time. my friend kept saying he can treat me better and how he have been crazy about me over a year.
After i finally able to break up from my ex. Me and my friend started dating, sort of. but it's complicated. i'm still not ready for love, relationship, anything at all. and i still can't forget how he was so harsh to me. he have severe mental issues too and my codependent ass always prioritize him more than me. i feel scared of him, to fully be honest and tell him my feeling. whenever i try to be honest about my feeling he immediately attack, i mean... like immediately say harsh words or saying how much i hurt him etc. i always feel guilt whenever i try to express my feeling and i always apologize way too much and he didn't seem to care much that i kept apologizing again and again, he could've said "you don't need to apologize, its all fine" but he doesn't.. he let me feel guilty and keep apolozing.
its like in the end it always my fault and i always hurting him.
I don't feel love for him at the moment. i have love for him as a bestfriend, but he love me as a partner. well me and him have the same exact moral values, brain, sexuality, even our birthday is close. we are like a twin separated by county and different family. but i'm not sure if he is the right one and what i want... i'm not sure if i'm really happy with him. but usually when i feel happy with a partner, turned out my partner is fake and hurt me in the end and the happiness is temporary. i'm scared to be alone, i'm scared to have no one care about me and no one listen to my daily struggle. my friend (or i should say partner?) is the only one who care about me and listen to my problem. but whenever i be honest he immediately label me as bad person or tell me how much i hurt him and attack me as in being harsh to me.
idk if it's maybe his mental issue that make him acted that way. but i always say nice things to him and ignore my feeling in the sake of his happiness. i'm not sure if i can live without him. but i'm also not sure if he is my true love and maybe i just need time to be able to love him. i feel like he didnt care to give me so much guilt, if it was me i would never do that to someone. but he would tell me how much i made him extremely sad, how much i hurt him and make him the worst. is he really the one? is he really what i want? why my heart and my head is empty? maybe i should just stick ad friends with him? but i also love attention and sweet words from him? i feel like whenever i say my feeling to him, it's not entirely honest and i'm just forcing myself. but if i stay as friend and he hate me forever, will i regret it? will i regret to let go of the only person who cares about me?
he recently said this during our argument "No, you don't. You love what I can do for you. You love that I listen to everything you have to say, and am attentive to your needs, and that I try to help you any way I can. But, you don't want to do the same for me. And, then I thought we were dating this whole time, but apparently we never were. I know that I've had a particularly bad week this past week, far more so than my usual junk, but I never asked you to do anything about it, I wasn't expecting anything, I was just telling you how my day went. I'm sorry that that was too much. I guess I should thank you for revealing this before anything got even deeper.", maybe.. the first line is true but i do want to do the same for him but sometimes its really depressing and frustating me that he feels bad everyday due to his mental and physical illness. is it selfish? but i still did help him as much as i can.
we managed to passed the argument, but i feel like sometimes he kinda give me punishment by saying stuff like "If people who love each other aren't there for each other in the dark times, then they have nothing. It's just part of life." "If people who love each other aren't there for each other in the dark times, then they have nothing. It's just part of life.". it makes me feel extremely guilty. i feel like i keep apologizing all the time... but he never apologize for his harsh words in the past.
I'm scared.. if he hate me and leave me, will i ever find someone who have the same exact moral values and care about me and want to help me as much as him? i hate myself why can't i feel love to him? i'm really scared, i don't want to be alone. i rather d*e than being alone. thats the worst. i have no one. no friends, family, no one.
I feel like maybe we should stay friends for now but i also want him to be sweet to me? but ofc he cant do that if we are friends. will i ever meet true love?
i'm scared to tell him everything. i feel like i'm such a bad person. he probably think i'm a bad person.
everything is so complicated.
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