Isolation

[LittleBigFoot]

For those who live alone- how do you do it?

I value my alone time, but more than a day and a half or so of no one else being at the house and I feel like I might go crazy. I’m supposed to be figuring out ways to move out and truly live on my own but I’m terrified. I have trauma around isolation and well far worse things. The “worse” things are being addressed. But I never took the time to understand the isolation side of my traumas. I also can’t be around people, interacting with them, much either. But there’s something in knowing someone is there in the house that keeps a lot at bay. But when they leave for multiple days? I feel like I might go insane and feel way too vulnerable.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

I am too tired to make much sense but isolation without hope of relief can literally break you, break your spirit. That’s why solitary confinement in prison is (theoretically) reserved for only the most sociopathic violent criminals. It’s inhumane and I consider it a form of torture. Humans are primates and primates are social animals. Babies that don’t get any attention in orphanages etc literally die from something called failure to thrive. Human contact (the safe kind!) is a basic need. (Now if you’re either an extremely ascetic and holy monk/nun seeking communion with the spiritual realm OR severely personality disordered and/or mentally ill (not ptsd) like my mother and you literally crave “solitude” to the point of kicking everyone out of the house for days at a time and actively unplugging all devices and crying and writing dozens of 4 inch thick binders full of cathartic journals and actively trying to forget that your family that you say you love even exists in time and space, when you have literally 80 acres of undeveloped forested land that you OWN and could easily find “solitude” in any of those acres and yet you STILL need to kick your husband and kids out for days to find that “desperately needed solitude” to keep from becoming suicidal…then maybe it’s not a basic need for HER.) I’m NOT comparing you to my mother. She’s a piece of work.

what I’m actually trying to say is that involuntary isolation IS abuse and it verges on torture. It breaks even the strongest people. You’re not crazy. Isolation when it is inflicted on you by someone else (or when it’s your unhealthy coping mechanism) is deadly. It’s absolutely trauma and should definitely be addressed in therapy as part of your history.

I think feeling entirely alone while being surrounded by people who negate or deny you or refuse to validate you and your very own self/experiences is roughly equally terrible.

Isolation is a huge part of complex ptsd and in my opinion is one of the very hardest parts. We’re just smart primates wearing clothing but our basic need for contact with other members of our own species is hardwired. You are definitely NOT crazy, weird, overly needy or anything of the kind. It’s biology. It takes a village. How that makes a little sense it’s way past my bedtime.

I don’t know if I agree it was torture per se. I mean I get where you’re coming from and it definitely felt like torture. . . But I feel reallllly weird assigning that label to it. It feels wrong and like I'm taking away from anyone who was *actually* tortured. I don’t know, I need to sit on this.

 

[user50913]

I don’t know if I agree it was torture per se. I mean I get where you’re coming from and it definitely felt like torture. . . But I feel reallllly weird assigning that label to it. It feels wrong and like I'm taking away from anyone who was *actually* tortured. I don’t know, I need to sit on this.

Point taken Completely. It FEELS like torture when you’re a little kid. I tried to make the disclaimer that I was way too tired to be posting. I was also on my night meds and very upset/triggered about something unrelated. I’m very sorry if i offended anyone. I don’t usually even post under those circumstances because I (usually) realize I’m unreasonable but apparently my judgment was too impaired even to see that fact. Please accept my very real apology.

 

[internal]

I'm taking away from anyone who was *actually* tortured. I don’t know, I need to sit on this.

the thing of it is that people who do use this label-or at least those who should (but often do not.) often feel the same as you. i don't think i deserve to label what i went through as torture. and ultimetely "torture" as a term is not a finite resource that can only ever be appled of the people you consider worthy.

it does not take away from any one, for you to contribute of your self.

ultimetely any one with a logicelly functioning brain (which some times my brain is. often times it is not.) would label the things that i endured as a form of torture. whether it is the same form of torture as what you might see on televesion in the news. or something, that is up for each individuel to determine for them selfs.

for me i define it as seperete. because of differing factors that people argue with me about. and some times i can see it and some times i can't. but ultimetely i was forcibly humilieted, "waterboarded" (this term is hard for me to use as well) beaten, whipped, raped, what have you.

sorry if that was upsetting. it is also only tengentelly related and about my own experences which i apolegize that i may be monopelizing this thread for something it is not.

my point is that this is what the human brain does. we normelize our experences to such a degree that we cannot really see the outside of it. the fact of the matter is that i was tortured. and i still, still, still cannot really truly identefy with that word in the correct manner.

i still struggle to adapt the meaning, meaningfully. to my own circumstances as they were not the same as other individuels which experenced similer things that they were in prison and things. they were being interregated they had a context of that which i was not. it was just my father who liked doing it.

i was also forcibly isolated. for long periods of time. i was locked in small places. and left for a long time. i didn't have food or water. and what that person had said above you is absoleutely correct. it does break you. in a very unique way.

i am essentielly crazy. i can be in society for short amounts and i maneged to carve a space for my self. but i am not sane all of the time. and i think that is because of the severe iselation which i did endure. i had no television.

the people i knew was people who was being abused with me. or people who also liked abusing me. on top of the a meth head sadistic person that ranted at me about jesus and god and how all the homosexual evil devil faggots (and i happen to be gay) were going to hell.

and it did have a profound impact on my development. i have a personality disorder. i have ptsd. i am severely develomentelly challenged in signifecent ways. my emotions do not work right. my attachments are all messed up.

it may not be obvious ways. because of the fact of that i got some early intervention as a teenager i did some how manage to be able to have empethy. and i have a child of my own (due to those cirucmstances) who i love. i love my husband. i am good at my job and i have accompleshed some fairly significent things.

but they are there. and they are almost insurmountable. and partly of that which my iselation also resulted that i really do not relate with other human beings. my frame of reference is different.

all the things of which you consider for common knowledge. for example. movies and trivia and things most people know. i did not learn about 9/11 in its real context for years. i did not know basic f*cking facts about life.

and how that impacts me as an adult now is astounding. it is not always visible because i am smart and i have been able to adapt very well (the reasons of this are still unclear to me.)

@that_1_girl you did not say anything incorrect. you just said some thing that is very hard for people to hear. because they have normelized this experence for them selfs. i hope you are well and i hope every one here is taking good care of them selfs. it is importent.

 

[user50913]

I don’t know if I agree it was torture per se. I mean I get where you’re coming from and it definitely felt like torture. . . But I feel reallllly weird assigning that label to it. It feels wrong and like I'm taking away from anyone who was *actually* tortured. I don’t know, I need to sit on this.

also thank you so much for NOT attacking me but instead being very measured with your reply. I’m struggling with this conversation this morning. Because heck, isolation really can drive people out of their minds and *in a sense* I do consider involuntary isolation to be inhumane. But you’re right, it isn’t on the same level as physical torture…..I guess. If you knew my story more you might understand at least why I would say that under the influence of a lot of heavy medication including some new ones that I am not yet sure of their effect on me, and an awful lot going on in my head and generally being in crisis these days. That isn’t meant as an excuse and I’m still very sorry. Under such circumstances I never should have commented. Please forgive me.

But…I do feel very strongly about involuntary isolation as being severe psychological trauma, especially in the context of other types of abuse. Take the story that came out some decades ago about the child who was raised in complete solitary confinement for the first 13 years of their life. The effect such treatment had on this child was by any measure extreme.

 

[Friday]

For those who live alone- how do you do it?

When I live alone, I’m almost always far more social than when I live with others. Because I actually have to plan/choose/seek out opportunities to spend time with people, that becomes a priority in my life. And everything that follows priorities shifting (like difficult things becoming easy).

 

[user50913]

the thing of it is that people who do use this label-or at least those who should (but often do not.) often feel the same as you. i don't think i deserve to label what i went through as torture. and ultimetely "torture" as a term is not a finite resource that can only ever be appled of the people you consider worthy.

it does not take away from any one, for you to contribute of your self.

ultimetely any one with a logicelly functioning brain (which some times my brain is. often times it is not.) would label the things that i endured as a form of torture. whether it is the same form of torture as what you might see on televesion in the news. or something, that is up for each individuel to determine for them selfs.

for me i define it as seperete. because of differing factors that people argue with me about. and some times i can see it and some times i can't. but ultimetely i was forcibly humilieted, "waterboarded" (this term is hard for me to use as well) beaten, whipped, raped, what have you.

sorry if that was upsetting. it is also only tengentelly related and about my own experences which i apolegize that i may be monopelizing this thread for something it is not.

my point is that this is what the human brain does. we normelize our experences to such a degree that we cannot really see the outside of it. the fact of the matter is that i was tortured. and i still, still, still cannot really truly identefy with that word in the correct manner.

i still struggle to adapt the meaning, meaningfully. to my own circumstances as they were not the same as other individuels which experenced similer things that they were in prison and things. they were being interregated they had a context of that which i was not. it was just my father who liked doing it.

i was also forcibly isolated. for long periods of time. i was locked in small places. and left for a long time. i didn't have food or water. and what that person had said above you is absoleutely correct. it does break you. in a very unique way.

i am essentielly crazy. i can be in society for short amounts and i maneged to carve a space for my self. but i am not sane all of the time. and i think that is because of the severe iselation which i did endure. i had no television.

the people i knew was people who was being abused with me. or people who also liked abusing me. on top of the a meth head sadistic person that ranted at me about jesus and god and how all the homosexual evil devil faggots (and i happen to be gay) were going to hell.

and it did have a profound impact on my development. i have a personality disorder. i have ptsd. i am severely develomentelly challenged in signifecent ways. my emotions do not work right. my attachments are all messed up.

it may not be obvious ways. because of the fact of that i got some early intervention as a teenager i did some how manage to be able to have empethy. and i have a child of my own (due to those cirucmstances) who i love. i love my husband. i am good at my job and i have accompleshed some fairly significent things.

but they are there. and they are almost insurmountable. and partly of that which my iselation also resulted that i really do not relate with other human beings. my frame of reference is different.

all the things of which you consider for common knowledge. for example. movies and trivia and things most people know. i did not learn about 9/11 in its real context for years. i did not know basic f*cking facts about life.

and how that impacts me as an adult now is astounding. it is not always visible because i am smart and i have been able to adapt very well (the reasons of this are still unclear to me.)

@that_1_girl you did not say anything incorrect. you just said some thing that is very hard for people to hear. because they have normelized this experence for them selfs. i hope you are well and i hope every one here is taking good care of them selfs. it is importent.

Thank you @grief I have no concept of what all that must have done to you. I am glad you came forward and I’m glad you’re here.
Not in regards to torture whatsoever but Its a similar normalization thing with me with being abused in therapy for decades. Rape is a hard word for me to use when I’m talking about my own experiences. But I’m quick to identify it in others’ stories.

 

[whiteraven]

When I live alone, I’m almost always far more social than when I live with others. Because I actually have to plan/choose/seek out opportunities to spend time with people, that becomes a priority in my life.

This. For me, it becomes about choice, which I am learning is so critically important in interactions with humans.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

@that_1_girl don’t apologize! Lol you’re good, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. I wasn’t offended at all or anything like that. I just feel like torture implies intent and mine was born more out of necessity or just shitty parental knowledge/desire than out of a motive of like setting out to intentionally hurt me. It did hurt a lot and felt like my brain was, well, being tortured to a degree. But in my mind torture equals things prisoners of war go through or similar. So a kid being left alone for a few weeks but still has food, run of the house, the yard, I just can’t quite get to torture from that. But again, don’t apologize lol, no offense was taken at all.

@grief so similar to my response to that 1 girl just now, I really struggle to apply that label to what happened. And part of that may very well be that I struggle to label a lot of things as what they technically are. I feel like my things are too complicated/nuanced/not black and white to really have labels apply very well. The labels I do use are because I have to logic them out and the dry facts are definition of what happened (for instance I’ll say CSA because the cold hard fact is an older (overage) person used me (underage) in a sexual manner, so I can’t really *not* apply it. If that makes sense). I don’t know, I feel like torture is too far for any strict definition.

@Friday and @whiteraven I’m hoping that’s how I’d react to being alone consistently. But at the moment when I’m alone for more than a day and a half 2 days- I start shutting down and feeling crazy and not taking care of myself at all. And there’s a desire to go out and be around people but there’s also a very large desire to just fall into the depression and stay even more isolated. Like my brain breaks. Ugh that just feels like a bunch of excuses though. Don’t mind me, gonna go find something to occupy my brain for a bit today.

 

[internal]

I don’t know, I feel like torture is too far for any strict definition.

it does depend on what the actual event is that we are speaking of. i presumed that this was releted to some form of depriving isolation. which had been what the other poster had been discussing. (my apolegies that often times i miss read things.)

if it is seperete to that then it likely would not be classefied as such. solitary confinement is torture. being left at home alone is not torture. so there are graduations.

So a kid being left alone for a few weeks but still has food, run of the house, the yard, I just can’t quite get to torture from that.

i would not get to torture from that either.

but it is still dameging. i was not being tortured by being isolated exactly. but it still had profound impacts on me. (and then solitary confinement itself which was a seperete incidence within that framework.)

so they are distinct. but they are dameging in their own ways. in your case i would classefy this as neglect. and neglect is harmful and dameging. as much as anything else could be.

it has very harmful long term implecations which i can see with your response that there are those implecations there. that it is effecting you today.

however one thing i did want to bring up is that even if it were torture of some other kind. a lot of people almost universelly struggle to recognize that that happened to them as well.

it is easy to normelize the events of what happened to us. but there is no denying that logically, you were being neglected. and that logically, being neglected is very bad. and it should not have happened to you.

 

[Friday]

@Friday and @whiteraven I’m hoping that’s how I’d react to being alone consistently. But at the moment when I’m alone for more than a day and a half 2 days- I start shutting down and feeling crazy and not taking care of myself at all. And

For sure.

It’s a helluva lot easier being a single mom, than a mom in a bad relationship. Know why? Because as a single mom my ass is covered 6 ways from Sunday. I have childcare, and backups, and backups for the backups arranged looooooong in advance. I know where my money is, and how much I’ve got, and where it’s going, when. I have my own friends, systems, and fallbacks. But in a bad relationship? I’m “supposed” to be able to rely on my husband, and my money isn’t “supposed” to just up and not be there, and, and, and, and. It’s the rug being yanked out from under my feet, with nothing to fall back on. Which HAPPENS in even the best of relationships. But the intermittent-ness & randomness of a bad relationship means it happens often enough to be a problem, but not reliably enough to find good solutions to it.

Your “normal” changes, when the people you live with are gone, for brief periods of time. And you have zip, zero, nada built into your life to automatically fill the gap. So in addition to CHANGE, which can be a motherf*cker in itself? You’ve also got shite for resources at your disposal, and no relaxing habit to fall back comfortably into, that you’ve built into your life over time, as needs and wants warranted.

Someone leaving for a few days? Couldn’t be more different than living on your own. Truly. It’s a wildly different state of affairs, with wildly different problems.

It is a VERY GOOD thing, to be looking at the problems you have when your people leave… because it gives you a very good idea of where your priorities are going to shift, once you’re on your own. Like instead of building in alone time into your life (which you’re fantastic at, from practice) it’s building in times to talk and connect with people. But it also couldn’t be a more different scenario. The problems you have when everything changes for a few days/few weeks? Won’t be the problems you have when this is how it is, now. Just as the solutions that work in your life, living with others, won’t be useful once you’re on your own.

There will -probably- be a difficult adjustment period. Or? A glorious adjustment period, followed by waves of WTF is wrong with me??? bouts of confusion and despair. Either or, depending on what else is going on with your life. And then you’ll sort it. Because you can. And it’s just you. Building your own life, the way you want it.

 

[spinningmytires]

I think that some people cope with their isolation far better than others thus, their degree of discomfort would vary. So how did I get this isolated in the first place.

Actually, I’ve felt my greatest discomfort in social situations where everyone else seemed to be socially engaged but not me. I had kept to myself during my school years and even later in art school. During elementary school, I actually thought my ‘self imposed’ isolation was what the others wanted.

My learning disability had also been a huge source of rejection and humiliation, even by my school teachers. I will never forget, my 4th grade teacher’s emotional outburst, when she had repeatedly hit me on my back, screaming, “What is wrong with you! What is wrong with you!” From my classmates perspective there was something seriously wrong with me, as this teacher had then dramatically proclaimed. I was something the other kids should avoid. I felt so extremely wounded because there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix my LD problem. I hated myself at age 10!

There will always be a few nasty, rejecting bullies in my world. But during my childhood, this rejection felt so much worse when, the other kids would stand along beside the bully and say nothing in my defend. From my perspective, I could only assume that this entire group was rejecting me.

Groups do form packs against selected individuals. Even my own family have worked together as a team to oppress me. Never had any one family member defended me against another family member’s offensive attack. I can only recall one incident were a family member has acted in my defend —when, my younger sister and her friend had forcefully restrained my brother from violently attacking me. My brother’s future life was then at stake, as was mine that moment. He was a body builder and within his vilent rage he could have killed me. He had once thrown me across the room as I was trying to escape him. I’m afraid of him and he’s my next of kin.

I’ve always experienced social isolation. When my half-sister’s abusive behavior was once briefly mentioned within a conversation between my brother and myself, my brother told me that he didn’t hold her abuse against her. Yet her actions were planned, intentional, deceptive and criminal! My brother also once told me that he gave his blessing to the unlawful speeding ‘hit and run’ driver who had killed our mother and sister on the highway. -- while I was writing letters to the parol board trying to keep him in prison. This lack of family support has been overwhelming.

And then, there was my CSA, when I really should have been in therapy yet, was only given this opportunity at age 20, after my father could no longer be charged with CSA. Was my mother waiting for me to turn 20. Was this a coincidence or planned, as my mother was then also leaving my father for another man at that time.

My younger sister was lesbian, an alcoholic since age 18 and emotionally distant. Though, we shared many interests and outings together, beyond that, she was a very private person. She was often nasty towards me. Still I think, she did really like me underneath her harsh criticizing words. She was honest and not manipulative like the others. But then we weren’t like sisters.

Have I been intentional isolating myself? I suspect that I have, at least from those who might hold power over me. If I thought we were of equal power, I believe I might feel less threatened and more trusting. I did eventually develop trust with my first therapist though this took my a few years. But then, he began to turn against me during my later 20s when, he said, I was regressing and falling into depression and apparently for no reason. My therapy was then merely supportive. And when I told him I needed more help, he told me I didn’t. It wasn’t until 1988 that, my second T suggested I see another therapist for suspected CSA. Then, my last T in 2019, said, she couldn’t find any trauma source. While my PCP thinks drugs will help me — this is getting funny!

It’s not that I haven’t been open with my T — they just don’t get it. So, here is another form of isolation! They are free to think whatever they choose to think! But when they insist that what I had experienced never happened, they are in essence telling me that I don’t exist. They might as well be attacking me with a sledge hammer! And I don’t want to fight them anymore!

Another issue, in regards to my lack of human touch. Most certainly, an infant will need human touch for its survival. Yet, an older child or adult could relinquish this human touch and still survive. Having the ability to self-comfort is f key importanve here, while the infant has not yet learned how to self-comfort. Physical touch does ease stress, I know, while providing a feeling of well-being. I also know that I reply on my mind too much and am often unaware of my feelings — my dissociation.

As for myself, the following might have been child abuse by my mother — but for some unknown reason my mother disallowed me to have soft stuffed animal toys as a child yet, allowed my younger sister to have them. My older half-sister (raised by her grandparents) also had stuffed animal toys. But when, I was once given a stuffed animal toy as a gift, my mother insisted that I keep it on top of my dresser where it wasn’t touched. I can recall once cuddling with a stuffed star-shaped pillow having a face, whiile my mother had soon disposed of it. On the other hand, I was allowed to play with dolls. I just never like playing with dolls. So, I don’t think she was fearful that, I might use the dolls to act out any form of pretend sexual abuse. Was she fearful that I might self stimulate, as children tend to do. Would that have unset my father, if I had done this in his presents. My parents seemed so very fearful of body pleasures in general. They never touched each other, They were business partners.

Beyond a few medical appointments, the last time I experienced a human touch was a hug from my cousins last December. And I know, this isn’t the most desirable way to live my life. But my life is complicated.

 

[spinningmytires]

I’d just like to add one more situation that has contributed to my isolation in life.. During infancy I was suffering from Pertussis (Whooping Cough) at 6 weeks of age. Because my airways were at times blocked with congestion, I was deprived of oxygen. Most likely, this had causes my early development brain damage, reported in my MRI brain scan in 2018.

As for my isolation — I must first say that I was my mother’s third child. But one day, my mother casually mentioned that, I was a difficult infant to raise because I never cried. She told me that my lack of crying greatly worried her — so much so, that she had me examined by a doctor, who said I was fine. This was in 1946 or 1947. I never got the chance to ask my mother if, I had been crying prior to my Pertussis illness.

But because I wasn’t crying she said, she never knew when I was hungry nor when my diapers needed changed. I later stuttered badly as a child and was unable to express myself easily in words. My mother would lose her patience with me and so I rarely spoke. Perhaps, my parent-child bonding had been disrupted, as well.

My speech is normal now while reading, writing and rapid speech are still difficult. My LD testing at age 35, reported that my LD was due to processing difficulties and that my memory, input and output testings were fine.