Has my abusive ex changed?

[littlestars]

I had a really abusive boyfriend and now he is with someone new, apparently married and has a baby. Do you think he has changed? Perhaps even his just as toxic family too? I’m haunted by the yelling and mental anguish he put me through. His family too. I hope his new spouse is safe or maybe she’s just like him. Who knows.

 

[Movingforward10]

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors except those in that room (and then not even those people at times ...)

The more curious question is: what is making you ask that?

 

[arfie]

what goes on in other people's lives is not mine to sort, not even when i have full access to the information. speculating with incomplete information is counterproductive in the extreme. pure gossip.

the more important question is, "have YOU changed?"

 

[littlestars]

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors except those in that room (and then not even those people at times ...)

The more curious question is: what is making you ask that?

I’ve been getting triggers related to him and it’s bringing up old stuff. Then I got angry because he doesn’t deserve happiness, not after what he did to me and the girl he dated before put a restraining order on him, as did I.

He was always yelling at me when he wouldn’t get his way, manipulate his way to get anything, Stone wall me then love bomb me…. He threatened to hit me. I’m 5’1” and he was 6’5”.

what goes on in other people's lives is not mine to sort, not even when i have full access to the information. speculating with incomplete information is counterproductive in the extreme. pure gossip.

the more important question is, "have YOU changed?"

I have moved on and made my life better. I’m about to graduate with a bachelor’s degree. I’m in a healthy relationship with a wonderful man. His family is kind and loves me. It’s just that I get triggered thinking I’m going to get yelled at and then I have a flashback of him hurting me…. My ex

 

[DharmaGirl]

Congrats on the degree! You really have moved on! Have you sorted through this with a therapist? I'm going through stuff I never sorted, and it's been 7 years since the incident happened. I also (along with all my childhood abuse) had an abusive relationship 20 years ago and wondered if his new wife was ok. I never focus on him anymore but for awhile I did. I moved across the country to be safe and even after that the police called me because he was being vetted for a position in government.

I personally don't think abusive people change unless they go through therapy and want to change, or have a life altering experience. Even then it's easy for them to fall back on bad behaviors to cope. I'm glad you're doing well and have a good relationship.

 

[littlestars]

Congrats on the degree! You really have moved on! Have you sorted through this with a therapist? I'm going through stuff I never sorted, and it's been 7 years since the incident happened. I also (along with all my childhood abuse) had an abusive relationship 20 years ago and wondered if his new wife was ok. I never focus on him anymore but for awhile I did. I moved across the country to be safe and even after that the police called me because he was being vetted for a position in government.

I personally don't think abusive people change unless they go through therapy and want to change, or have a life altering experience. Even then it's easy for them to fall back on bad behaviors to cope. I'm glad you're doing well and have a good relationship.

He’s just been coming up lately. I get frightened by the flashbacks. I’m sick of seeing his face in my mind. I have therapy today so I guess I’ll talk about it then. I hope you are safe, it sounds like you are. And I’ve been told that they don’t change unless they seek it out but I doubt that they do because nothing was ever wrong with them it was other people in their minds.

 

[Movingforward10]

I’ve been getting triggers related to him and it’s bringing up old stuff. Then I got angry because he doesn’t deserve happiness, not after what he did to me and the girl he dated before put a restraining order on him, as did I.

Understandable. It's hard to see someone (seemingly) living their life to the full with no consequences for their behaviour.
Maybe with your T it's finding a way to make peace with this somehow? And focusing on yourself, processing the totally understandable anger at him, and moving past it.

Well done for getting your degree!

 

[DharmaGirl]

nothing was ever wrong with them it was other people in their minds.

Yes, amen to this!

 

[coraxxx]

Honestly this is the post title I've found the most depressing ever. I hope the guy has changed. In my experience escalation never stops when it's been triggered in a relationship so in any case you dodged a bullet. Sometimes people do get help or change afterwards but it wouldn't be just at once. And again a baby isn't the proof anything has changed. If anything it's pretty much a risk of escalation but a situation can cycle in standby for years before it gets to the next stage of escalation.

The flashbacks and the unfinished business of the arguments and stuff will take time to ease off, but it eventually does.

Congrats for the degree! It's important to have actual real breakthroughs to help you feel good about yourself!

 

[Friday]

I had a really abusive boyfriend and now he is with someone new, apparently married and has a baby. Do you think he has changed?

Maybe he has… people do…
Maybe he hasn’t… people don’t…

What’s it to you?

I DO understand flashbacks, where then feels like now, and what he’s doing now FEELS like it matters to your life. But, again, reality check: How is his life now, important to you? It’s not. Realistically. You got out. You’re living your own life. Diving into “what if” and his life? Isn’t you. Or your life. Not anymore. It’s acting like you’re in an abusive relationship where what’s going on with him is of utmost importance to you and your life. But that’s not now. Now? His life is his. Her life is hers. But your life? Is yours. And totally unrelated to whatever the f*ck he’s on about.

 

[Renly]

I got a restraining order on my abusive ex more than 10 years ago. After I escaped him, he quickly married another gal and I wanted so badly to tell his new wife to run away as fast as she could. I felt guilty because I knew what was in store for her and I wanted to help her. But, I didn’t and I couldn’t reach out to her. She wasn’t mine to save (and I was also pretty terrified of my Ex’s retaliation if I had done something). They did eventually divorce so I believe she got away…but I doubt she got away unscathed.

What you are curious about is normal I think. But I agree with the other posters that it is basically not worth the mental energy. I am learning to give honor to my thoughts as they come and then let them go by. When they come, I do sometimes pray that he does change and finds peace and healing - but I doubt I’ll ever know if he does.

 

[DharmaGirl]

How did it go with therapy? It's none of my business but I'm wondering if you successful bringing it up. I'm safe, by the way, my ex has no idea where I am. I hope you continue to succeed in life, I'm amazed how strong you are.