When You Had Ptsd From Very Young Age

[Denna]

I try not to dwell too much on how I could have been. I know that I have gained an amazing ability to read other people and their moods because of the extreme stress I endured as a kid. I used to feel different and weird about it but now I embrace it. I try not to freak people out with it. I'm grateful that it's one beneficial aspect of my hypervigilance.

Ditto, this is only just starting for me and I have to admit it sometimes seems like a bit of a gift. But also finding that I really do have to hold back because other people do not like to feel they are being read like a book. They find it creepy.

 

[stuff]

But also finding that I really do have to hold back because other people do not like to feel they are being read like a book. They find it creepy.

So true. I'm constantly trying to gate what I say. My therapist and I talked about it. She thinks it comes from being hyperaware of the people who surround you as a defense mechanism from a very early age. It becomes another tangible sense. Somebody sees someone holding a cup of coffee. I see someone holding a cup of coffee too tightly and moving their eyebrows slightly to the right and clearing their throat when someone mentions orange cats. I think it's just a different way of connecting the dots and filling in the blanks than most people have. I never intend to creep people out, but sometimes it just happens. It's especially hard in the early stages of relationships.

 

[intothelight]

I don't think I really have a "before". The abuse has existed from childhood and it has influenced me, but so has school, friendships, my grandparents, books, etc. At this point, there isn't any "who I was", all I have is "who I am, and as I heal, "who I want to be

 

[Jade-]

. I know that I have gained an amazing ability to read other people and their moods because of the extreme stress I endured as a kid.

Me too, almost to the point of being 'psychic'.

 

[Denna]

The thing that gets me is by looking at the behavioural traits in other people and listening to them talk, I can pretty much locate previous unresolved traumas friends and strangers and see any beliefs of self blame they are using to remain traumatised. If you ask the right questions then you get what you need to know to determine if they are shut down in anyway often the other person does not even know that there is anything more than a chat going on yet to me they have revealed their entire personal history. I decided to keep my conclusions to myself after a guy ran away from me and then around a pub going she's a mind reader to all his mates. Sometimes people can't belive the things that they just told me and point out that they have never spoken about it before etc.

Guess I am a bit random really.

 

[Jade-]

I decided to keep my conclusions to myself after a guy ran away from me and then around a pub going she's a mind reader to all his mates.

I have had similar things happen Denna. I am learning to keep quiet because people just aren't accepting of things like that.

I learned at a young age to 'predict' things. Not by choice, but for survival. I had to predict what time my dad would be home, what type of alcohol he would be consuming(in order to know what to expect). What would happen to to others in my family, what would happen to me....I tried to control things by planning them out ahead of time. I got pretty good at it too. I couldn't stop the things from happening, but being aware ahead of time saved me.

 

[Denna]

Being this way is so isolating, if I open up then people get freaked. I am sad to hear that as a child that the only power that you had was knowing/predicting the cycle of your fathers behaviour with no way of stopping it. For me my childhood was spent trying to pacify my mother who would either be depressed crying and wailing, hurting herself, threatening to hurt herself, threatening me, throwing tantrums in public, and then on the odd weekend my dad was home she would tell him she was like that because I was difficult, which made him loose his temper at me. So I guess although I tried to predict then and failed to make changes, now I can accurately predict other peoples behaviour it is good for manipulation and bad in the sense that I am isolated if you get what i mean.

 

[Jade-]

My mom was the same as yours Denna...but she wasn't my main focus, my dad was, what she did was mild compared to him.

Being this way is kind of isolating. But there are people that accept me for who I am, and some even come to me when they are looking for some sort of prediction. Some have ran the other way...

 

[Denna]

It is so wrong that any child should bear the burden that you have. All those years waiting to grow up, then discovering that the misery and fear you endured has caused you more loss than most will ever be able to grasp is beyond most people. Can't imagine what living in terror of your dad was like as a child especially if he was drunk, there is no reasoning or bargining with a drunk they are unreachable and closed off on every level.

I am always looking for others like me, but I live in a rather privileged area so there are few. Those that I do find are in denial and wish to stay that way, so still I'm alone. I know it is selfish to be grateful that there are people like you who have been through so much, but the more you see others ploughing on fighting for themselves the more hope it gives to others following behind.

I'm only now starting to pick up contact 6 months after my brain unknitted. They are grateful and are desperate to help, but the only support they can give me is practical. Offloading any issues will have them running a mile. It takes effort to maintain friendships that with my new found permenant adrenalin rush, paranoia etc is now a hundred times harder, but I'm determined to do it. One wrongly worded comment and I can feel my body and thoughts fly into a whirlwind that I have to talk myself through before having any response. There is no way that they can cope with knowing me as the impossibly calm most laid back girl ever, to someone that you need to tread on eggshells with. Hate to admit it but I've got... ahem.... issues.... ahem.

 

[Jade-]

I haven't searched for others 'like me' where I live. I do ok online, but wouldn't want others in real life to know. I just try to blend it with 'normal' folks. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

It is hard to maintain friendships when you're experiencing symptoms, but if someone is a true friend, they will stick around regardless. And true friends are hard to come by. The first time I really opened up to a friend and talked about my past, I was expecting to be judged or not talked to again. But, it actually made us closer friends and she is someone I can call, at any time, day or night, when I'm having a rough time.

BTW....everyone has issues, even without PTSD, they just are able to hide it easier than us.

 

[Denna]

For me I am under obligation to keep all my behaviour as to what people are used to because unfortunately my ex got angry at me in front of the biggest gossip in the area, and he accidentally on purpose let slip quite a few details of my history and how it had messed me up and informed her that I was insane. He also enlightened quite a few people down the local pub too. So now because I live in quite a small area where I'm involved with and visible to alot of people through school, socialising etc and word has got around and there is tons of 'chatting' going on.

Mainly that I am an abused nutter.

Good stuff.

So I'm a bit stuck with it all really, especially because I lost a load of weight, stopped talking to anyone for months, gained nervy startle responses and started to examine my shoelaces if anyone spoke to me, all very obvious changes in my character to everyone else... confirming the ex's summary of why I was leaving him.

So I am really needing to appear as I usually do to those around me for now.

None of this is helping ease my paranoia and anxiety one little bit.

 

[jesse]

Sorry to hear about your friends turning on you Denna. That happened to me last winter, I thought I had all these great friends (we also hung out at the bar a lot) and then I got into a argument with one and the rest is history. I learned a valuable, albeit painful lesson from it though. I now know to stay away from bars and to only consider people I meet who drink a lot aquaintances not friends. Sounds stupid I know but for me it has saved me a lot of future pain by walking away from all of that. In the meantime I have become a complete recluse mainly because I moved 3000 miles away and live in the middle of nowhere. I'd take reclusive to insincere people any day though.