Should I cancel my wedding?

[scout86]

but maybe my communication skills suck more than I thought.

That's worth exploring. I know I have a tendency to spend a lot of time thinking about something and then, when I try to TELL somebody about it, my brains seems to assume that the fact that I've thought about it means that I've conveyed the information. I only became aware of that after I started therapy. My therapist does it too now and then so it's been a process learning about cutting people slack for things like that. And learning to ask for clarification. Turns out there have been plenty of times when I thought someone hadn't heard what I said when I actually hadn't SAID it. Another way that can play out is some of us grew up believing that "I wish you'd do that" was an order and others grew up hearing that as someone expressing a wish with no obligation to do ANYTHING on the part of the hearer.

Maybe he thinks I expect him to help me somehow, which puts pressure on him.

Have you considered asking him?

Glad to hear things have taken a good turn with your family!

 

[Tinyflame]

I really like what @scout86 said. I think that is true.

Something I recently noticed occurs with me @BlueBerry6999 , that might be useful for you to make note of, is like I am way too impressionable. By that I mean, if I hear something said on the radio or news, or overhear, or whatever, next thing I know is I'm thinking of it in some way as it applies to me, or could, or my family or whatever (and it's never good). Then it seems I am realistically thinking of the situation I've been reminded of, or fears, or fear of the present or future, and yet it's all because some other seed got planted. With reminders of traumatic reminders it's even worse.

Far as fixing families go, there's only so much one can do at any given moment, IMHO. If you wait for that you won't get married at all. You can only do the part relevant to your thoughts or responisbilities. In this case it's your wedding, so it's up to the 2 of you to choose, with or without everyone's blessing. But most of all, if you choose it hopefully it will be a happy event, as it should be and you deserve.

Best wishes to you.

ETA^^, or maybe this is something I notice under high stress, or more stress (including not feeling well physically or exhaustion).

I meant to say, I think it is correct to realize you would be marrying 'in to' a different family, but also family dynamics within each family are unlikely to shift markedly even within a lifetime, esp if the other parties don't want that too, and don't feel a need to address their own role, as you also address yours. But, the 2 of you are building your own family. Healthy boundaries are very helpful. (For example, other people's input on the wedding, you can say, "Thank you, we will take it in to consideration'. Being assertive (but still kind) now will help you later.)

You are very right to notice and acknowledge what could be improved upon, eg communication, because getting married won't magically change that or turn the other person in to someone else (or cure your ptsd). Or prevent other stress, eg financial or having children. But, under high stress esp small things can assume a greater importance or seem a bigger deal or bigger red flag than would be otherwise.

There are also more options than bl-or-white, cancel or have the wedding. There is postpone- or rather reschedule. There is what do we both, each and together, really want/ need. (Now is good practice for hard discussions like that, not taking personal offence but helping meet each other's needs/ dreams, compromising. ) But most of all knowing you love each and other and are on the same team.

Good luck!

 

[BlueBerry6999]

Thank you!

About what scout said: I realized I do that too. I always thought it was just funny whenever I noticed I hadn't actually said anything and was waiting for a reply. Then I did some thinking and it occured to me that I probably often don't even realize I'm doing this and might get angry at the other person. I also had way too high expectations for my therapist. I somehow thought she could read my mind. (not literally, but I really thought she would know what I'm trying to say even if I suck at it). Well, she's only human and obviously she doesn't. Which is probably why the therapy is not really moving forward.
In my family, we never talked about our feelings. I realized I might have been emotionally neglected. I was also bullied in school, so I've been scared to show any weakness ever since. I can't just not name my feelings - I actually often don't feel them. All I know is anger and fear - or depression.
Even in the cases where I know how I feel, I can't name it. Everything is tightly concealed and whenever I try to open up, I feel something rip inside of me and I get anxious, heart starts racing, I can't think straight anymore etc. Certain words do that and certain don't. So instead of saying "I feel sad and exhausted" I say "things suck".

Anyway I talked to my boyfriend and he agreed that I suck at communication, which in turn made me angry because he does too. Since then though he's been telling me whenever I didn't communicate right.

Realizing that whole communication debacle really made me anxious though. It made me feel like my reality differs from that of others and since then I've been asking myself if maybe my memories are wrong too, if every friend I'm mad at currently doesn't actually deserve it and if maybe everything is my own fault.


And what Rosebud said: I can definitely relate. I'm way too impressionable too. I'm really naive as well. Which is funny, because I'm not stupid and I question everything I hear or read in the news or from people I'm not close to. However, if a person I like tells me something, I can't help but believing it. No matter what it is.
When I was about ten, my sister convinced me my cat's father had been a dog and that was why he would wag his tail. I knew this wasn't possible but I couldn't see why my sister would lie to me.
It's still really bad these days. I don't understand sarcasm at all. Even if it's obvious.
I also tend to read something on social media and then I can't fall asleep because I can't stop thinking about it.

My family is definitely not fixable and I know that. It means way too much to me that both my mom and Marie contacted my dad. Because no one actually talked about anything important. Marie just sent him a picture and my mom just talked about a picture my dad had taken. I got childishly excited about that, though I could feel my dad was still a bit disappointed.

I think I already said that I won't make any major decisions right now because my mind is not in the right place. Regarding my dad I'm in denial (again).
Regarding the wedding, my anger is now directed at my friends and not my family anymore. Which only makes it more obvious that it's not rational. At least I think it's not. I haven't seen my friends in ages and I can't help feeling that they don't deserve coming to my wedding if they don't even make the effort to contact me.
I hate that I can't tell when my emotions are reasonable and when not. I don't trust myself at all.

But I'm so glad this page exists and I that I'm allowed to vent and even get helpful advice!

 

[scout86]

I somehow thought she could read my mind. (not literally, but I really thought she would know what I'm trying to say even if I suck at it). Well, she's only human and obviously she doesn't. Which is probably why the therapy is not really moving forward.

Therapy can be a good place to work on this kind of thing. It's worth talking about it with your T. (My relationship with "feelings" seems to be a lot like yours, and maybe for similar reasons, so don't feel all alone there.)

It made me feel like my reality differs from that of others

My T likes to say that we all have our own "road map of reality". But they are all "road maps", they aren't "reality". Everyone experiences the world a little differently. Someone who grew up in a different kind of family is going to have a different map. We just do. It's not always about right & wrong, a lot of the time it's just "different". It can be worthwhile working on your map, to make it more accurate. Again, not a matter of right or wrong, just "better". Really, as an example, how would it work that someone who grew up in a totally different kind of family, would make the same assumptions you do? We ALL think that what we grew up with was "normal" until we have a reason to think differently.

But I'm so glad this page exists and I that I'm allowed to vent and even get helpful advice!

You might want to consider starting a diary here.

 

[user27357]

I can undercut the 250 that @scout86 quoted. i don't even remember how much it cost but since the majority of it was paid for through the contributions of our parents and they were both perfect cheapskates it had to be less. We did a JOP wedding with parents in the room, and went to a local chinese restaurant and had a big buffet and open bar. We are talking 1985 dollars so 250 sounds maybe a little high, we could have both had lunch in the same place for maybe 5 bucks at the time. No mess to clean up, no spectacular dress or limo services to pay for, no invasion of someones space. And we ate and drank and talked until late, and have good memories of it.

 

[BlueBerry6999]

I can undercut the 250 that @scout86 quoted. i don't even remember how much it cost but since the majority of it was paid for through the contributions of our parents and they were both perfect cheapskates it had to be less. We did a JOP wedding with parents in the room, and went to a local chinese restaurant and had a big buffet and open bar. We are talking 1985 dollars so 250 sounds maybe a little high, we could have both had lunch in the same place for maybe 5 bucks at the time. No mess to clean up, no spectacular dress or limo services to pay for, no invasion of someones space. And we ate and drank and talked until late, and have good memories of it.

Ugh that sounds so beautiful! This really is what I'd like... but I guess it's easier for me to compromise and have a bigger wedding, than it is for my fiancé to cut out all the people he'd like to have there... He's close to his cousins and uncles etc., which I am not. But at least we'll have something like that at the actual wedding ceremony, which is a week before the party. There I specifically said that no partners are invited, not even my fiancé's sister's family. So I think we'll be about 10 people and just eat lunch at a restaurant after signing the papers.

Therapy can be a good place to work on this kind of thing. It's worth talking about it with your T. (My relationship with "feelings" seems to be a lot like yours, and maybe for similar reasons, so don't feel all alone there.)

My T likes to say that we all have our own "road map of reality". But they are all "road maps", they aren't "reality". Everyone experiences the world a little differently. Someone who grew up in a different kind of family is going to have a different map. We just do. It's not always about right & wrong, a lot of the time it's just "different". It can be worthwhile working on your map, to make it more accurate. Again, not a matter of right or wrong, just "better". Really, as an example, how would it work that someone who grew up in a totally different kind of family, would make the same assumptions you do? We ALL think that what we grew up with was "normal" until we have a reason to think differently.

You might want to consider starting a diary here.

I have a therapy appointment today and I feel ready to talk about my issues with communication and maybe be more precise about my feelings... or at least that's how I feel now... might be once I'm sitting there I get anxious and forget everything I wanted to say. That happens frequently.

I do love the road map of reality idea! I admit I'm often too stuck in my own reality and expect everyone else to see what I see and think the way I think.

 

[BlueBerry6999]

UPDATE: so this topic still stresses me out, so I've made the decision that I won't have anything to do with the wedding planning anymore. I've created an excel file where I noted everything I've already organized and wrote down all the things that still need to be done, now I'm giving my fiancé the full responsibility of planning this wedding.
He put his foot down by saying there won't be a marriage without a wedding party, but then he just leaned back and did nothing while I was busy planning despite my difficult situation with my father.

I feel relieved. He's a 33 years old man, now he can finally prove that he's an adult. As it's him who wants the party, I think it's only fair he has to organize it.
I'm not just doing this out of spite, but my father is getting worse and the wedding is in almost 6 months. I just don't see myself planning this party while my feelings are all over the place.

 

[scout86]

That sounds like a really good idea. How he handles things will probably show you something about how he handles things.

 

[Movingforward10]

You have put in your boundaires. Very understandable ones given your Dad's health and your feelings about all of that.

I see your boundary as a compromise, as you're acknowledging this type of wedding and party is important to him so you're not saying no to it all. You're saying the timing and what you can offer is X, and he can do his part given the importance of the party for him.

Hope you feel relief from your decision.

 

[BlueBerry6999]

Thank you, yes I feel really relieved.
And my fiancé took it very well. He was understanding and said it makes sense for him to continue with the planning, since I've already done half of it anyway...

 

[Freddyt]

And my fiancé took it very well. He was understanding and said it makes sense for him to continue with the planning, since I've already done half of it anyway...

Learning to communicate with your SO and learning to be partners in life is an amazing experience. 35 years on I'm still amazed by my wife.

 

[BlueBerry6999]

Learning to communicate with your SO and learning to be partners in life is an amazing experience. 35 years on I'm still amazed by my wife.

And things I've been worried about for weeks or months often turn out to be quite simple :) Communication is everything