I have never seen anyone succeed in recreating a happy childhood as an adult for their inner child! I
That DOES seem like a wacko idea. At least to me. But then I've never been a huge fan of taking any of the "parts" stuff too literally. It works better for me to think of it as a metaphor.
Honestly, I think "happiness" is over rated. (Not saying everyone or anyone has to agree with me.) As far as I can see, the purpose of a childhood is to give a human a chance to learn stuff they'll need to be a successful adult. People can have successful childhood's in all kinds of circumstances. Granted, it appears that feeling that you're loved and seen for who you are is part of that package. Probably the most important part...... Anyway, maybe we tend to get too hung up on "happy". Maybe "content" is better? Personally, I think having a purpose is better yet.
One of the best homework assignments my T ever gave me was to create imaginary childhoods. (He actually asked for one, but it was so interesting I kept going.) "What else could a childhood have been like and what would you have learned that you didn't?" I had a good friend who was my "unofficial adopted brother". I'd met his parents and knew where he'd grown up. I started by imagining what it would have been like if he'd been my real brother and I'd grown up with his family. The point is to make it as real as you can. What would it look like, sound like, smell like, feel like? What would be the same? What might be different? How would that change things? I came up with a whole bunch of scenarios. It took awhile to get comfortable enough with the idea to really get into it. Maybe the biggest thing I got out of it was the knowledge that baby humans are dumped into scenarios that have nothing to do with them and have to cope as best they can. Sometimes they get it easy, sometimes they don't, nothing is perfect.
But I'm 58 and not much time left to live free anymore....
There was a bumper sticker that I used to see in Texas that I dearly loved.
"Texas. I wasn't born here but I got here as fast as I could." I try to look at life that way. I can't change what was. I actually can't predict what will be either. All I've got is NOW. I try really hard to work with that. I DO get the "I've wasted my life and there's not much left" thing. I'm older than you, so maybe I've wasted more of my life than you have and have less of it left, who knows? But the only purpose I can see in getting hung up in that space and living there is if you want to beat yourself up and feel bad. Choices one can make, to be sure, but why? Serious question. The only reason I can think of is that some part of a person might think they deserve punishment or aren't worthy of anything else, or something along those lines. I don't think any of that is true of anyone who's making an effort.
You DO have a lot of anger towards your mother, clearly. (And she clearly let you down.) I can see where being hung up on the anger is a problem in moving beyond it. What has helped you get beyond anger with other people in other situations? Here's something that helped me. Realizing that parents aren't gods, they are mortal humans who come to the job with whatever tools and issues they had at the time. Seriously! That varies hugely, does it not? Generally they don't come to the job with ill intent. Maybe great incompetence. Maybe with no real thought at all. Generally without malice. (That comes later, I think. When they actually get to know the kid and what might be involved in parenting it.) What do you know about your own mother? Her childhood? Her expectations? What tools, if any, did she bring with her to the job? Sounds like parenting was probably a job she wasn't qualified for. She probably should have know that..... But where would that leave you?
Sorry to get so long winded. This is a topic I've thought about a lot and I could keep rambling on for a long time.
You know, in a way, I kind of admire those of you who have what it takes to rage about not getting the childhood you deserved. I've got a good friend who does that too, although she also thinks everything was her fault. I think I probably lack the rage because I just accepted that I got what I was worth whatever that was. I never had any ending of life conversations with my mother because she wasn't interested in having those conversations, at least not with me. Something I'm wondering about YOUR mother is where SHE'S at with all this. Is it possible that, in her own way, she actually does love you? I just went back and reread some things you wrote.
The more she says how much she loves me, the worse I feel! It angers my inner child!
There's a whole bunch in that post. First, it seems to me that it's YOU who's angry. Nothing wrong with that. If you feel it, own it, it's ok. Have you ever had a conversation with her about the anger? I can see a point in writing her some of those letters that don't get mailed, for sure. But, if you're feeling like you need to resolve things "while there's still time" you can't really do that without talking to her, can you? I'm not sure "resolving things" is an option. If she's somewhere on the for real narcissist spectrum, she'll just spin things and make it all your fault and her tragedy. (You know that, I'm sure.) Not much point to that. Here's something else I learned from my therapist. A narcissist really can't help being a narcissist. They are largely born that way. It can be modified, for better or worse, but upbringing, but it's kind of like having blue eyes. Not a choice. And, when I've thought about it, it seems like a rather sad way to be. They really lack the ability to see the value in anything or anyone beyond what it, or they, can do for them. Pretty limited. They miss out on a lot, they just don't know it. I'm not taking her side. I'm just pointing out that she's not the ultimate source of all evil. She's just a weak, flawed old lady who didn't have what it takes to be a decent parent. You might, in a way, be giving her more credit than she deserves with the anger.
I want to see her like an old woman who I see to make her happy! T
About that..... That's literally how I felt about my mother. Well, still do although now she's dead so I don't have to deal with her at all. Once I got a handle on the idea that there was no reason to be afraid of her, and that there was nothing I could do that would be "ok" with her......... Yep, pretty much no feeling there at all. You know, in a way that's a little scary to live with. Because I KNOW that isn't how most people feel about their mothers. Because it seems pretty cold, even to me. It's one of those times, in conversation, where my T will say "THAT would score you a lot of points on the psychopath scale." (He hastens to assure me that I'm not a psychopath, I just have a few aspects of my personality that would score points on the scale.) But I sometimes wonder what I might be missing........ I'm quite sure I'm not hiding any feelings or burying any feelings, there just AREN'T any feelings. I honestly don't know that's the best way through.
From what I've seen here in the past, one of the best things you can do is stubbornly stick around and keep thrashing things out. People will listen, People will be encouraging. And, best of all, people will stand up and disagree when they think there are better ways of looking at things.
My absolute favorite bits quoted above.
