Complex Trauma (from Childhood Abuse)

[Jade-]

It's finding that little 'gut voice' again which can also help you see things you turned off seeing. .

I still have that gut voice....but I stopped paying attention to it because I've lost faith in it. There have too many times in the recent past that I have listened to it just to be told I'm wrong, that what I'm thinking and feeling is incorrect. Although I believed deep down that it was right, I was manipulated into believing otherwise. It's the same thing that happened when I was a kid. I can see that I need to trust that voice again and stick by it.

I have no problem spotting abuse when I'm not involved. A person can tell me something that happened, or I can see something myself and instantly know. But when it's me, it's like all the lines are blurred and I'm confused. My gut tells me one thing and my mind tells me another.

 

[Nicolette]

Gotta start trusting that gut Jadebear.

 

[Abrasky]

In my experience, distorted relationships seem to come hand in hand with PTSD. If there is guilt, you can bet there is unhealthy relationship with your mum. I left my parents and found that you can take a child out of an abusive home, but you can't take the abusive home out of the child. However it is still better to leave.

 

[Nicolette]

With a lot of hard work, you can slowly repair some of the damage of an abusive home if you leave and don't go back IMHO.

 

[Iam]

I still have that gut voice....but I stopped paying attention to it because I've lost faith in it. There have too many times in the recent past that I have listened to it just to be told I'm wrong, that what I'm thinking and feeling is incorrect. Although I believed deep down that it was right, I was manipulated into believing otherwise. It's the same thing that happened when I was a kid. I can see that I need to trust that voice again and stick by it.

Abusers are so good at turning the tables on us Jade. I get confused when that happens too. I start thinking it's all my fault, that I am seeing things thru PTSD eyes. Well, that is true, I am seeing things thru PTSD eyes, but when I am being manipulated my gut is right, I am being abused. Nicolette, you are right we need to start trusting our inner voice.

 

[intothelight]

How do you separate "feeling abused", from "abuse, or just normal human interaction"? I am the only one who really "abuses" myself now, with all of the negative thinking. However, people can be irritable or negative (teenagers), and it is not "abuse", but it makes me feel "worthless" and thus the negative spiral.

Having a hard time discerning and keeping the emotions of others in their proper perspective. I should say, I have always had a hard time doing this.

 

[Nicolette]

Well, that is true, I am seeing things thru PTSD eyes, but when I am being manipulated my gut is right, I am being abused.

Its like going back in time to where it all started and re-writing what you can/changing what you can. That inner voice is in there; just let it out and know it's a part of you so should be trusted more than anyone else IMHO.

 

[Trinomial]

From what I have seen....perhaps one of the biggest struggles with CPTSD is coming to an acceptance that what the parents did was wrong and not that of the child. Normality for an abused child becomes a struggle in adulthood when they realise their thinking and views don't match the 'normal' ones and they end up in unhealthy relationships themselves.. The challenge...re-programming thought processes.

Also I see many struggle maintaining or having relationships with their parents as adults and some pull away as otherwise they revert back to that abused child when dealing with parents.


What are your views?

It started out as child abuse for me. Some physical, but it was mostly pychological and neglect. My mom is more or less a sociopath. She's a self-victim, and has always blamed everyone else for her problems, including me. I was very unwanted as a child and I remember specifically asking her why she didn't have an abortion if she didn't want me, when I was 7 years old.

She was always very controlling and manipulative. When I was about 12 or 13 years old, I wouldn't give her that control anymore. So she had me drugged for depression. I reacted poorly to the medication, (back before the warnings about suicide and worsening depression), which made me worse. Eventually I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder and medicated to the point where I couldn't function as human being. I lost my childhood because of her, then lost my teen years due to incompetent mental health providers in this state.

The hardest part for me was seperating her projections and what the medication did to me, from how I really am. I began realizing how she uses everyone when I was in my early 20s and realized how she never cared for me as a person, but only as an object that she could use to get what she wanted.

I tolerated her at arms length as a young adult, but when she continued her manipulation, lies, and harassment, and tried to sabatoge my wedding, I ceased communication with her. Our relationship has always been a toxic one and I refuse to play into her any more.

 

[Jade-]

.perhaps one of the biggest struggles with CPTSD is coming to an acceptance that what the parents did was wrong

In order to deal with my traumas, I have to find some way to accept who/what my parents really were. I know what they did was wrong, I accept that part of it.

I have a hard time admitting/accepting that my dad was a serial rapist and that he hurt so many women. I have a hard time admitting/accepting that my mom knew what he was doing and stuck by him.

I can accept that what they did was wrong, but what they did was SO wrong, so unethical and I was a member of that family. I find it hard to separate myself from them. I feel guilt just for being their kid. I feel so much shame and humiliation for what they did.

 

[Jade-]

How do you separate "feeling abused", from "abuse, or just normal human interaction"?.

I get confused on that too. I tend to 'feel' abused often, so often that i don't trust that feeling anymore. Alot of times it's just me feeling that way and not abuse at all. But then when it is abuse, I don't recognize it because I stopped trusting that feeling.(hope that made sense)

 

[intothelight]

Hi Jade,

I don't know. What is even more pathetic is someone will tell me that a person is taking advantage, be aggressive, or engaging in abusive behavior; and I don't see it. I guess I got so used to extreme abuse that I don't recognize the more subtle forms.

Seems the pendulum swings both ways, behavior that is not abuse and behavior that is abusive, and my wires are so crossed it gets missed on both ends. Hopefully therapy and learning from others will help to correct this.

Debbie

 

[Jade-]

my wires are so crossed it gets missed on both ends.

Me too. It really makes me sad to think about how a person can be so abused that they are confused over what's considered abuse and can't recognize it for what it is.