Muttly
MyPTSD Pro
I guess it's time for me to probably start a thread. I have had back problems for decades. Had one back surgery already. In October my back went out. And things were bad. Got an MRI which showed a herniated disc, two compressed nerves and some scar tissue. Been doing non-invasive stuff like PT and steroid injections. Was improving for a time but never got well. Then things started getting worse again. And lately have been getting much worse. It's felt like a very long haul. I am tired of this and want to be better. Next step should be surgery. I see the surgeon who did my last surgery next Wednesday.
And I live alone and have 4 animals and l will need all sorts of help. (Probably already need help in some ways). And I hate, hate, hate needing help. It sends my spiraling into self-hate. And my therapist says my friends will want to help. But I've already had several surgeries in my life. And my friends have helped. And I am sure I've used up my quota of needing help. And I know people here try and make me believe there is no quota but I think there is. There's a point where someone just becomes a burden and I must have reached that point.
And while I'm talking about how I'm failing, there's work. I am on light duty. I can't work a full shift. I'm struggling with half-days. I'm struggling to not be grumpy and stay focused when I'm at work. I think I'm mostly succeeding but I should be better. And I'm going through training to be a lead, meanwhile I'm letting everyone down.
And then of course there's the money stress. And the uncertainty stress. While I know that surgery is an option, part of me is terrified that the doctor will say "no" for some reason or insurance will be evil and I'll be left like this. Constant pain. Physically limited... and that's me being whiny which is another reason to hate myself. I should be able to cope.
And of course, there's another part of my brain telling me I'm exaggerating. That my back isn't really that bad. That I could work a full shift. Could maybe work full duty. Could be coping and getting things done and am going to waste the doctor's time. I'm getting better at ignoring that voice, but it's still there.
And I said I don't like needing things but here I am making a post. I'm stuck in "I'm sorry" mode. And the thing is, no matter how much I apologize it won't be enough. It's an endless trap.
And I live alone and have 4 animals and l will need all sorts of help. (Probably already need help in some ways). And I hate, hate, hate needing help. It sends my spiraling into self-hate. And my therapist says my friends will want to help. But I've already had several surgeries in my life. And my friends have helped. And I am sure I've used up my quota of needing help. And I know people here try and make me believe there is no quota but I think there is. There's a point where someone just becomes a burden and I must have reached that point.
And while I'm talking about how I'm failing, there's work. I am on light duty. I can't work a full shift. I'm struggling with half-days. I'm struggling to not be grumpy and stay focused when I'm at work. I think I'm mostly succeeding but I should be better. And I'm going through training to be a lead, meanwhile I'm letting everyone down.
And then of course there's the money stress. And the uncertainty stress. While I know that surgery is an option, part of me is terrified that the doctor will say "no" for some reason or insurance will be evil and I'll be left like this. Constant pain. Physically limited... and that's me being whiny which is another reason to hate myself. I should be able to cope.
And of course, there's another part of my brain telling me I'm exaggerating. That my back isn't really that bad. That I could work a full shift. Could maybe work full duty. Could be coping and getting things done and am going to waste the doctor's time. I'm getting better at ignoring that voice, but it's still there.
And I said I don't like needing things but here I am making a post. I'm stuck in "I'm sorry" mode. And the thing is, no matter how much I apologize it won't be enough. It's an endless trap.