wisteria
Confident
my sister died the end of Nov from breast cancer. turns out the breast cancer gene runs rampant in our family, something I'm guessing neither of us knew. my sister was estranged from the family, but we reconnected when our dad died 10 years ago, and 8 years ago i travelled 3000 miles to spend the summer with her family (she has 3 kids). I absolutely loved it, I loved being a part of her family. she wanted me to stay but I didn't. I returned home and she never talked to me again. I thought about writing (she's anti-internet, anti-cell) but I didn't. when she had cut me off the first time (before our dad died) I used to write, send postcards, xmas cards etc, each time hoping for a response and being so disappointed when I heard nothing. Next thing I know her ex texted me that she was sick.......4 hours later she was gone. She found out a year ago she had cancer. Even under the threat of death she wouldn't contact me. I was and am devastated.
I tried to write her a thousand letters since she passed, trying to process my grief. I feel like I'm getting no where. It just hurts so damn much. To someone who struggles with feeling unloveable, this is just further proof that I am unloveable, unworthy. Then I feel 'survivor's guilt' for living......I spent a lifetime being chronically suicidal, but guess who does NOT have the breast cancer gene? 6 out of 7 females on my dad's side died from breast cancer. I'm the 'lucky' one, yet am I living life to it's fullest? Appreciating every moment that I have? Short answer, no. Longer answer, no, instead I'm really struggling with suicidal ideation, consequently feeling like a spoiled brat for throwing away this precious gift of life.
I don't know where I'm going with this. 3 years ago my mother told me she 'never had any love for me.' I crawled into a hole and barely made my way out of it. Just when the light at the end of the tunnel starts to get a bit brighter *BOOM* my sister dies. I just can't believe that I meant nothing to her. How do you not feel worthless after that?
I tried to write her a thousand letters since she passed, trying to process my grief. I feel like I'm getting no where. It just hurts so damn much. To someone who struggles with feeling unloveable, this is just further proof that I am unloveable, unworthy. Then I feel 'survivor's guilt' for living......I spent a lifetime being chronically suicidal, but guess who does NOT have the breast cancer gene? 6 out of 7 females on my dad's side died from breast cancer. I'm the 'lucky' one, yet am I living life to it's fullest? Appreciating every moment that I have? Short answer, no. Longer answer, no, instead I'm really struggling with suicidal ideation, consequently feeling like a spoiled brat for throwing away this precious gift of life.
I don't know where I'm going with this. 3 years ago my mother told me she 'never had any love for me.' I crawled into a hole and barely made my way out of it. Just when the light at the end of the tunnel starts to get a bit brighter *BOOM* my sister dies. I just can't believe that I meant nothing to her. How do you not feel worthless after that?