Sufferer Sometimes I just wish I did not exist

[Survivor3]

Yeah... I'd hate to be thought of as a grass but if people treat me like shit and abuse me then I will defend myself. Life is a learning curve.

 

[Lone_Wolf]

Yeah... I'd hate to be thought of as a grass but if people treat me like shit and abuse me then I will defend myself. Life is a learning curve.

I do that, but apparently I sometimes go overboard. I'm just tired of being walked on, so I react intensely against it.
Life is a learning curve all right. I just can't seem to figure people out, though.

 

[Survivor3]

I do that, but apparently I sometimes go overboard. I'm just tired of being walked on, so I react intensely against it.
Life is a learning curve all right. I just can't seem to figure people out, though.

I used to react really badly to things, bad emails and texts, total emotional freak outs and abuse to those that abused me. I'm in my mid 40's and I've only just got a grip on how to communicate well. And because of that it was me who looked like the bad guy, not the people that had caused it. It's like my counselor said to me "where did it get you"?

From what I've learnt, it takes time to figure different people out, how to handle them. That said... I met a new woman last week at my mental health group and she was so down to earth and easy to talk to, no mystery there, an instant friend.

 

[Lone_Wolf]

I used to react really badly to things, bad emails and texts, total emotional freak outs and abuse to those that abused me. I'm in my mid 40's and I've only just got a grip on how to communicate well. And because of that it was me who looked like the bad guy, not the people that had caused it. It's like my counselor said to me "where did it get you"?

From what I've learnt, it takes time to figure different people out, how to handle them. That said... I met a new woman last week at my mental health group and she was so down to earth and easy to talk to, no mystery there, an instant friend.

Yeah, I've contemplated the "Where did it get you?" notion before. My answer is that, no matter what I do, it gets me nowhere. If I don't react strongly to someone who thinks they can walk on me, then I carry it around for a long time and feel like a eunuch. If I do react strongly, I get painted as the bad guy. Can't win.

 

[wisteria]

Hello Will! I'm such a dork that I had to Google Eunuch- yikes! Anyway, welcome. I'm relatively new here as well. I can totally relate to just 'going through the motions' everyday and that no one cares about me. Ugh. It's funny cuz there was a time when that was freeing. When I was 16, I was suicidal, but eventually i talked myself out of it by saying "no one cares about me, but since no one cares, I might as well do whatever the hell I want." And that actually worked for many years. But now that I'm older (47) and lived my life, I kinda just feel done. I'm tired of living just for me. I have no friends or family (other than a hubby who doesn't get it and 3 fabulous dogs) and there are no support groups near me (cuz I would love to join one). I also recently just started therapy, but the jury is still out on my therapist. You are lucky to have found a good one right off the bat! Will you be able to see him again?

 

[Lone_Wolf]

Hello Will! I'm such a dork that I had to Google Eunuch- yikes! Anyway, welcome. I'm relatively new here as well. I can totally relate to just 'going through the motions' everyday and that no one cares about me. Ugh. It's funny cuz there was a time when that was freeing. When I was 16, I was suicidal, but eventually i talked myself out of it by saying "no one cares about me, but since no one cares, I might as well do whatever the hell I want." And that actually worked for many years. But now that I'm older (47) and lived my life, I kinda just feel done. I'm tired of living just for me. I have no friends or family (other than a hubby who doesn't get it and 3 fabulous dogs) and there are no support groups near me (cuz I would love to join one). I also recently just started therapy, but the jury is still out on my therapist. You are lucky to have found a good one right off the bat! Will you be able to see him again?

Hello to you too! Nice to meet you.
You and I sound fairly similar, but the main difference is I never got married nor have I ever had a meaningful relationship. A pathetic life, really.
I kind of lucked out on getting a good therapist. The only reason I got one at all so quickly is because I went out on short-term disability from work and the insurance company acted to get me one fast. Normally there seems to be a long waiting list for psychotherapists.
He turned out to be good (at least so far). We've had one hour-long session by phone (COVID nonsense still ongoing) and having him listen to me, engage with me, and take me seriously was so incredibly refreshing. I'm so accustomed to being kind of casually dismissed by people actually who call themselves "friends" in my life. Hell, my own manager (tender age of 27) once told me I could talk to him any time about what I was going through, but then never once clued in on when I was struggling. He even has had the audacity to tell me I'm "never alone", yet never wants to sit down and talk to me. He doesn't give a damn and I've come to hate him for it. Anyway, my next psychotherapy session is on Thursday.

 

[Lone_Wolf]

Sorry wisteria, I omitted directly answering your question. Yes, the insurance company has said they'll pay for six sessions. After that, I guess I'll pay on my own if still necessary to see him. I'll probably go back to work in late April, since sitting here at home is causing me to feel an intense emptiness on top of the PTSD symptoms.

 

[wisteria]

I'm so accustomed to being kind of casually dismissed by people actually who call themselves "friends" in my life. Hell, my own manager (tender age of 27) once told me I could talk to him any time about what I was going through, but then never once clued in on when I was struggling. He even has had the audacity to tell me I'm "never alone", yet never wants to sit down and talk to me. He doesn't give a damn and I've come to hate him for it.

pfffft....that would be super frustrating. to be told you could talk to him but then not being available? I would be discouraged by that as well, no doubt. I haven't been working since Oct myself....I was working at a big orange box store, thought I could trust a girl there with a little bit of my story, next thing I know everyone (okay, not everyone, but it sure seemed like it) was looking at me funny. of course I have no solid proof other than some questionable comments, but I'm pretty sure my story got blabbed all over the store. I felt like people were waiting for me to kill myself just so they'd have something to gossip about. Obviously that's a bit extreme but that's how they left me feeling. In short, people knew I was struggling but wouldn't do anything about it. Story of my life. So I kinda get where you are coming from.

And I definitely get that NOT working allows too much time to get stuck in one's head, driving oneself even crazier. That's how it is for me anyway. Thank goodness I finally had a half decent session with my therapist. 6 sessions is a good start. I know mine is initially limited to 12 but apparently some magic can be worked to include more (once you get an official diagnosis or whatever), so maybe yours is similar.

 

[Lone_Wolf]

pfffft....that would be super frustrating. to be told you could talk to him but then not being available? I would be discouraged by that as well, no doubt. I haven't been working since Oct myself....I was working at a big orange box store, thought I could trust a girl there with a little bit of my story, next thing I know everyone (okay, not everyone, but it sure seemed like it) was looking at me funny. of course I have no solid proof other than some questionable comments, but I'm pretty sure my story got blabbed all over the store. I felt like people were waiting for me to kill myself just so they'd have something to gossip about. Obviously that's a bit extreme but that's how they left me feeling. In short, people knew I was struggling but wouldn't do anything about it. Story of my life. So I kinda get where you are coming from.

And I definitely get that NOT working allows too much time to get stuck in one's head, driving oneself even crazier. That's how it is for me anyway. Thank goodness I finally had a half decent session with my therapist. 6 sessions is a good start. I know mine is initially limited to 12 but apparently some magic can be worked to include more (once you get an official diagnosis or whatever), so maybe yours is similar.

People love to virtue signal about how they understand and have compassion for those afflicted with mental illness. It seems to be all talk. They either think you're exaggerating or faking (as if I wouldn't love to be "normal") or they think you're going to end up going on a killing spree or something (which is ridiculous in the vast majority of cases).
I don't think I've ever felt so low as I do lately. The stark realization that no one is there for me, no one is my true friend, and that people either don't care or are resentful toward me due to my illness is overwhelming.
I wonder what the hell I did to deserve this. I think Hitler was afforded more respect and loyalty.

 

[Dynamic]

People love to virtue signal about how they understand and have compassion for those afflicted with mental illness. It seems to be all talk. They either think you're exaggerating or faking (as if I wouldn't love to be "normal") or they think you're going to end up going on a killing spree or something (which is ridiculous in the vast majority of cases).
I don't think I've ever felt so low as I do lately. The stark realization that no one is there for me, no one is my true friend, and that people either don't care or are resentful toward me due to my illness is overwhelming.
I wonder what the hell I did to deserve this. I think Hitler was afforded more respect and loyalty.

Well I get it for real. What do you enjoy " normally " ?

 

[Lone_Wolf]

Well I get it for real. What do you enjoy " normally " ?

That's a good question, since I don't enjoy anything anymore. Everything is tainted for me by the ever-present background of life's futility.

 

[Dynamic]

That's a good question, since I don't enjoy anything anymore. Everything is tainted for me by the ever-present background of life's futility.

I know what you mean Lone_Wolf :(