Something I've been thinking about is my relationship with my Mom. I love her dearly, and she's amazing. My dad was abusive. When I was three, he molested me for the first time. I woke up in the middle of the night and had shat myself, I woke my parents up. My Mom had just given birth to my sister, so she asked my dad to take care of me. He begrudgingly got up, complaining about it, and put me in the shower to wash me, and during that process of "washing" molested me.
My Mom homeschooled me, and I'm dyslexic and dyscalculic (either that, or childhood trauma and ptsd impaired my learning abilities. She traumatized me because sometimes it was "I'll help you, I know you're trying your best, let's go over it together" and sometimes it was "You knew this yesterday, you don't apply yourself, why don't you practice saying 'welcome to Walmart since you won't be able to make it past 3rd grade". She once threatened that she'd 'give me the belt' for bad grades (but never did).
My dad had a lot of rage, and he would look for things to fight about (it was always silly shit, like someone closing the door 'incorrectly' or the windows being left open with the air on). My Mom met that with the same amount of anger because he would provoke her until she got mad. My dad hit us with a belt for any type of crime, and it had little to do with our actions and more.
My Mom's parenting style was more reasonable and more connected to our behavior and more with the intent to teach us and less with the intent to 'dispel rage energy'. But nonetheless, she too yelled at us, hit us with a belt, etc, she just also came up with other discipline measures that made more sense.
When my sister got a bruise on her ass from my dad, my Mom put down a hard rule of 'no more belt or else'. My dad is stupid, but smart enough to know when my Mom isn't playing. So he never used a belt again, and neither did she. Somewhere along the line, she realized excessive negative attention, just makes kids act out more, so she stopped yelling and started a much healthier version of parenting. My dad never changed.
Years later, when I was a teenager, I told my Mom that I was remembering the abuse, and I couldn't handle it anymore. She helped me move out to live with a friend, and a year later she divorced him. When I told her about that specific memory of being molested in the shower, she said she was laying in bed, doubting whether I was safe. Some part of her knew what was happening, but she didn't get out of bed to check.
Now I have no contact with my dad, because he is the same ass person, and never changed. I live with my Mom. Our relationship is great, she's not like she used to be. But I can't justify the person I knew her to be when I was a child to the person I know her to be now. She gets offended when she realized that I don't really trust her. But tbh I can't. I love her dearly, but at the end of the day, she traumatized me too, I have flashbacks that involve her, and she intervened way too late. She allowed my dad to sexually harass me in front of her and other people. She didn't get out of bed, she turned a blind eye. She allowed him to yell at me for no reason and hit me with a belt. She, even herself, hit me with a belt.
Although we have a great relationship now, I don't want to talk to her about it, because she was in a toxic marriage with my dad for twenty years, and she knows damn well that she should have done something different to protect us. So bringing it up is just rubbing it in her face. Bringing up the fact that she traumatized me in school, won't change anything. Telling her that she's one of the demons in my flashbacks, would make her feel awful, and I know she doesn't deserve shit. She has really softened and has become a great person.
Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with trauma from a good person? It's easier with my dad because he is a bad person, he is completely cut out of my life. My Mom is good, but she made many mistakes in the past, that she no longer makes. Because of the damage I have, I don't feel comfortable relying on her or trusting her, even though she is now trustworthy and reliable.
My Mom homeschooled me, and I'm dyslexic and dyscalculic (either that, or childhood trauma and ptsd impaired my learning abilities. She traumatized me because sometimes it was "I'll help you, I know you're trying your best, let's go over it together" and sometimes it was "You knew this yesterday, you don't apply yourself, why don't you practice saying 'welcome to Walmart since you won't be able to make it past 3rd grade". She once threatened that she'd 'give me the belt' for bad grades (but never did).
My dad had a lot of rage, and he would look for things to fight about (it was always silly shit, like someone closing the door 'incorrectly' or the windows being left open with the air on). My Mom met that with the same amount of anger because he would provoke her until she got mad. My dad hit us with a belt for any type of crime, and it had little to do with our actions and more.
My Mom's parenting style was more reasonable and more connected to our behavior and more with the intent to teach us and less with the intent to 'dispel rage energy'. But nonetheless, she too yelled at us, hit us with a belt, etc, she just also came up with other discipline measures that made more sense.
When my sister got a bruise on her ass from my dad, my Mom put down a hard rule of 'no more belt or else'. My dad is stupid, but smart enough to know when my Mom isn't playing. So he never used a belt again, and neither did she. Somewhere along the line, she realized excessive negative attention, just makes kids act out more, so she stopped yelling and started a much healthier version of parenting. My dad never changed.
Years later, when I was a teenager, I told my Mom that I was remembering the abuse, and I couldn't handle it anymore. She helped me move out to live with a friend, and a year later she divorced him. When I told her about that specific memory of being molested in the shower, she said she was laying in bed, doubting whether I was safe. Some part of her knew what was happening, but she didn't get out of bed to check.
Now I have no contact with my dad, because he is the same ass person, and never changed. I live with my Mom. Our relationship is great, she's not like she used to be. But I can't justify the person I knew her to be when I was a child to the person I know her to be now. She gets offended when she realized that I don't really trust her. But tbh I can't. I love her dearly, but at the end of the day, she traumatized me too, I have flashbacks that involve her, and she intervened way too late. She allowed my dad to sexually harass me in front of her and other people. She didn't get out of bed, she turned a blind eye. She allowed him to yell at me for no reason and hit me with a belt. She, even herself, hit me with a belt.
Although we have a great relationship now, I don't want to talk to her about it, because she was in a toxic marriage with my dad for twenty years, and she knows damn well that she should have done something different to protect us. So bringing it up is just rubbing it in her face. Bringing up the fact that she traumatized me in school, won't change anything. Telling her that she's one of the demons in my flashbacks, would make her feel awful, and I know she doesn't deserve shit. She has really softened and has become a great person.
Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with trauma from a good person? It's easier with my dad because he is a bad person, he is completely cut out of my life. My Mom is good, but she made many mistakes in the past, that she no longer makes. Because of the damage I have, I don't feel comfortable relying on her or trusting her, even though she is now trustworthy and reliable.