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Upset. Brought a part into therapy and backfired. Not sure how to move forward?

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beaneeboo

MyPTSD Pro
I've recently started a new therapy journey (had many therapists over the years. Last one was about 6 years ago). I went with the intention to work through something in my present and not need to go back to the past. But soon found out that was impossible as I have dissociated in every session and he (T) know this. This has lead to me wanting to try to explain to my T where I'm up to with my understanding of myself in a fairly quick way. As in 'here's x years of therapy explained' - wrap it up in a package and hand it over. Part of my session today was about explaining once of my parts who hasn't been present for a very long time (or not obviously so). This is a part i fear because it just wants to cause me self doubt about my reality, tells me I'm wrong, making a mountain of a mole hill, I'm creating a picture for attention... I'm disgusting... bad... blah blah blah.

I know from my past that it's best to walk away from this part. But tonight I discussed this part in therapy and very act of doing so brought the feelings / emotions and thoughts associated. I'm really not willing to be under this parts thumb / rule any more as many years of my life have been badly effected by 'it'. So my intention was to bring this part into the room for the exact reason to disempower the voice by sharing about it in real time (I didn't want to go back without discussing it because I felt this may trigger a worse reaction if I had tu handle the part on my own).

Now I just feel embarrassed. Like my T is maybe thinking less of me. I feel like what I brought was really pathetic. I'm ashamed to be a mum and share these thoughts. It's not part of the strong me. And I feel like I should have more ability to control the impact that this part has on me. Triggers the same emotions which have led to me sh in the past but I'm determined not to go down that route. Having a real tussle with myself.

I don't know that I even have a question. I'm just venting as there is no one else I can say this to.
 
Like my T is maybe thinking less of me.
That's a pretty common concern, I think. But his job is to help solve problems, not pass judgement. If he actually DOES think less of you, good to know because you probably need a different T.

On the part thing. My T used to say that all these "parts" were adaptive at some point. That doesn't mean they are useful NOW though. But they did have a purpose. He also said that you can't make a part go away but you CAN find it a different job. Might be worth exploring what this part thinks is it's current job & then find it a better one?
 
I am a T and also have C-PTSD. I can tell you, you are not being judged at all. We are here to help you and most of us have very high empathy and compassion. You’re working on yourself and that is amazing, please understand triggers are often unconscious no judgments. Look at your parts with curiosity and deep compassion. Our parts as dysfunctional as they may seem now are there to protect us. I am also going through IFS right now with my own therapist and I am having so many somatic symptoms- headaches, depression came back bad I just got back on med. Body aches, it’s amazing how our body and parts try to protect us! Anyway please know you are amazing for doing this work, and no judgement.
 
Thank you scout86...

I think i don't know how to communicate with any of my parts..I wouldn't know how to begin to find out what it thinks its current job is... how does this happen? I'd be interested to know how other people do...This is not a part i can connect with... I don't know how to... it's main aim is to make me feel like none of this exists. That it's all a head f*ck and my fault that it is. Don't know how to manage that. But I take on board what you're saying. It's a new concept for me and helpful tu think about.
That's a pretty common concern, I think. But his job is to help solve problems, not pass judgement. If he actually DOES think less of you, good to know because you probably need a different T.

On the part thing. My T used to say that all these "parts" were adaptive at some point. That doesn't mean they are useful NOW though. But they did have a purpose. He also said that you can't make a part go away but you CAN find it a different job. Might be worth exploring what this part thinks is it's current job & then find it a better one?
 
I am a T and also have C-PTSD. I can tell you, you are not being judged at all. We are here to help you and most of us have very high empathy and compassion. You’re working on yourself and that is amazing, please understand triggers are often unconscious no judgments. Look at your parts with curiosity and deep compassion. Our parts as dysfunctional as they may seem now are there to protect us. I am also going through IFS right now with my own therapist and I am having so many somatic symptoms- headaches, depression came back bad I just got back on med. Body aches, it’s amazing how our body and parts try to protect us! Anyway please know you are amazing for doing this work, and no judgement.
Thanks Mb1997, I actually really needed to hear this...

I didn't mean to have a go at or point a finger at any therapist out there... sorry if it offended anyone... this was more just my reactions that came up from the session and my impression...

You know what, I've never considered looking at my parts and standing back and be curious and compassionate about them ... May sound silly but this is a completely new concept for me. And it's helpful to view this part differently and to take the focus off the berating words and effects it has on me right now.

My biggest sticking point is that I've never been able to link my parts, my difficulties with memories from my past... so I feel like there's not enough evidence... not enough justification to think/ feel how I do...I have trauma where I'm aware of some of those consequences but linking that with my parts, my wider dissociative difficulties hasn't happened for me... and leaves this part to have free reign to reek havoc in that, and tell me how pathetic I am.

Guess I should think why that may be. But it's difficult not knowing where the f*** its come from.
 
I've never considered looking at my parts and standing back and be curious and compassionate about them ...
It doesn't sound silly. We pretty much live with the world view we've got, unless and until we have a reason to look around and maybe see things differently. Seeing things differently often isn't easy!

My T didn't get really in depth with the IFS thing. At least not with me. (And I say that because I didn't like it much & he tended to go with whatever worked.) I started out from "There ARE no parts!" He said to think of "parts" as a figure of speech. They are aspects of our personalities and everyone has them. Like "Part of me wants to stay in bed but part of me knows I'd better get up and get ready for work." The people who are really into this way of looking at things have a complex system lined out with names for parts, etc. You can do that, if it's useful, or not. As I understand it, one of the reactions to trauma is for some of these "parts" to take on roles to help deal with the trauma and then they don't always play well together. @Mb1997 can probably explain that a lot better than I can.

Anyway, as a suggested alternative view of that mean voice. Think about a parent who'd kid just ran out in the street in front of a car, chasing a ball. Might that parent not overreact and really scream at the kid? The parent is just terrified, not exactly angry, the kid just hears the anger. The parent, if we're talking about a "normal" parent, isn't acting like that because they hate the kid, or think the kid is stupid, or anything of the sort. They actually care about the kid and they're freaked out enough that they're not doing a great job of showing it. I'm sure there are other possible explanations too. You might play around with seeing how many you can come up with. (Now that I picked the easy one. LOL)
 
It doesn't sound silly. We pretty much live with the world view we've got, unless and until we have a reason to look around and maybe see things differently. Seeing things differently often isn't easy!

My T didn't get really in depth with the IFS thing. At least not with me. (And I say that because I didn't like it much & he tended to go with whatever worked.) I started out from "There ARE no parts!" He said to think of "parts" as a figure of speech. They are aspects of our personalities and everyone has them. Like "Part of me wants to stay in bed but part of me knows I'd better get up and get ready for work." The people who are really into this way of looking at things have a complex system lined out with names for parts, etc. You can do that, if it's useful, or not. As I understand it, one of the reactions to trauma is for some of these "parts" to take on roles to help deal with the trauma and then they don't always play well together. @Mb1997 can probably explain that a lot better than I can.

Anyway, as a suggested alternative view of that mean voice. Think about a parent who'd kid just ran out in the street in front of a car, chasing a ball. Might that parent not overreact and really scream at the kid? The parent is just terrified, not exactly angry, the kid just hears the anger. The parent, if we're talking about a "normal" parent, isn't acting like that because they hate the kid, or think the kid is stupid, or anything of the sort. They actually care about the kid and they're freaked out enough that they're not doing a great job of showing it. I'm sure there are other possible explanations too. You might play around with seeing how many you can come up with. (Now that I picked the easy one. LOL)
Thanks Scout86... lol - none of this is easy so don't down play your input!! It's been helpful as it's got the ball rolling...

Al those explanations you gave make sense... on a real level thank you..

I don't have any alternative view of my part as I'm just scared of it...

I don't really know how to start with even fathoming how it's there to protect me.. because.... In the past it's made me punish myself (do things like not eat enough with the aim to punish)... it's told me I'm bad to the core, and disgusting (this is sexual)... it makes me question my own reality when it surfaces and tries to trip me up when I'm doing something important to me or which means alot (often a public related thing)...I.e self-sabotage... I'm not sure if my past self harm behaviours are related directly to this part but they certainly support it... it's present with my paranoid thoughts and feelings too... someone's going to hurt me...

So that's why trying to find an alternative understanding of it's protective role is hard 🙄
 
It didn't backfire, you just learned you are not ready to deal with it yet.

Like Edison said while working on the light bulb, I haven't failed a 1000 times, I just found 1000 things that don't work and I am that much closer to finding something that will work.
 
an alternative understanding of it's protective role
I think they are protective because the aim is to prevent you from getting hurt/punished. If you don’t eat then something better will happen (example, someone will approve of you). If you recognize your badness then you can change so that won’t happen. If you realize how disgusting you are then you won’t do the thing (sexuality).

All of those are lies of course. But when you were being actively abused or threatened (may not have been conscious that that was happening), those thoughts had the purpose of “fixing” you, most likely so that someone else would accept/protect/care for you.

Those thoughts/beliefs were reinforced through some kind of behavioral dynamic you had with people who were important to you and your development. Now you are beginning to look at them and rewrite the script/narrative which runs through your head.
 
So my intention was to bring this part into the room for the exact reason to disempower the voice by sharing about it in real time (I didn't want to go back without discussing it because I felt this may trigger a worse reaction if I had to handle the part on my own).

In what way did this actually backfire? - other than your emotional response to having been vulnerable in a way you did not intend (which I understand is significant). However, it does not seem to actually reflect a negative reaction from your therapist. Was your therapist dismissive/invalidating/cruel to you? Or is this your expectation of what (you believe) will happen (in the future)?
 
It didn't backfire, you just learned you are not ready to deal with it yet.

Like Edison said while working on the light bulb, I haven't failed a 1000 times, I just found 1000 things that don't work and I am that much closer to finding something that will work.
Love the quote 🙂 thanks

Yes you're 100% correct. I'm not ready to deal with it yet.

But I have accepted over this week that I could try to take a approach (quoting people here - to be curious about them) ...

I think they are protective because the aim is to prevent you from getting hurt/punished. If you don’t eat then something better will happen (example, someone will approve of you). If you recognize your badness then you can change so that won’t happen. If you realize how disgusting you are then you won’t do the thing (sexuality).

All of those are lies of course. But when you were being actively abused or threatened (may not have been conscious that that was happening), those thoughts had the purpose of “fixing” you, most likely so that someone else would accept/protect/care for you.

Those thoughts/beliefs were reinforced through some kind of behavioral dynamic you had with people who were important to you and your development. Now you are beginning to look at them and rewrite the script/narrative which runs through your head.
Ok so yes theoretically I can understand this (it is a new concept to me).

I think because there is so much disconnection in me and I don't know if my memories are memories it's hard to put that (your) explanation to myself.

Been asking myself how to be curious about my parts and how to try and engage with them. I've never tried to connect with 3 or ask why or how they are there. Actually wouldn't know how to go about that. I don't really have convos with my parts. They operate independently and I don't get to converse.

In what way did this actually backfire? - other than your emotional response to having been vulnerable in a way you did not intend (which I understand is significant). However, it does not seem to actually reflect a negative reaction from your therapist. Was your therapist dismissive/invalidating/cruel to you? Or is this your expectation of what (you believe) will happen (in the future)?
Ok yes I can also see this (that is does not seem to reflect a negative reaction from my T)... objectively that didn't happen. He said the right things. I was thinking he wasn't going to be able to handle me and didn't understand (that's what I felt in the room) which is why I started questioning his own experience as a T. I did feel invalidated because I felt he didn't pick up on / deal with my dissociation in a way where I felt understood (and maybe this vis the important dynamic for me to reflect on). But I see what you're saying. What I was feeling didn't necessarily match with what he was actually objectively doing.

I felt it backfired because I felt so embarrassed to be dealing with parts 2 and 3 which I wasn't expecting in session. So doing that infront of him when I wasn't expecting them and not being able to properly explain what was going on felt mortifying and embarrassing. I couldn't explain it to myself let alone him and I sat there like a lump not being able to speak or look up. I was completely different to how I presented in my first session (strong confident me) and really felt I must have presented as crazy. And that he wouldn't know what to do. I've since had the feeling that he doesn't want to work with me anymore and he has too much in his own life to deal with me too.

Sorry that was a bit jumbled.

I hear what you're saying though. I have to separate what happened objectively in the room with my transference. So I guess a large part of that is my transference
 
Thank you scout86...

I think i don't know how to communicate with any of my parts..I wouldn't know how to begin to find out what it thinks its current job is... how does this happen? I'd be interested to know how other people do...This is not a part i can connect with... I don't know how to... it's main aim is to make me feel like none of this exists. That it's all a head f*ck and my fault that it is. Don't know how to manage that. But I take on board what you're saying. It's a new concept for me and helpful tu think about.
What a protective role! I wonder what was happening in your world that caused this part to deny ur reality so much. I wonder if there was some safety or sanity in denying your reality or continually questioning yourself? I wonder if there were people in your outside world who required or pressured you to not have your reality? I wonder how your sanity, health, safety or relationships might have suffered if this part hadn't shown up? I wonder how hard and long this part has had to work? I wonder how old it is?


Hope these wondering help. Take them slowly and gently towards that part x
 
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