RachelBigby
Confident
So on Wednesday I did a psych eval. It got me all discombobulated. I had to sit and drink cold water at the psych office before they let me drive home. Here I am a dizzy emotional mess telling the psychiatrist I often want to die... then I go out to my car, and a friend calls me, and I switch right into cheerful mode. This friend doesn't know about my psych stuff, and I don't want to tip him off. He's very sensitive to tone of voice and often picks up on moods. Instead of being honest, I do a better job of sounding present. That day, I realized just how effective I am at masking. I went from nonfunctional to convincingly cheerful in a nanosecond.
When I'm my cheerful self, it doesn't feel weird or unreal. I don't feel like I'm acting. But it does kind of feel like I'm on autopilot. I can have very meaningful discussions, even help others process an experience, and they feel like I'm fully present. For me it's no different than to talk about the weather. I can just do it.
This probably isn't a good thing for my trauma healing.
When I'm my cheerful self, it doesn't feel weird or unreal. I don't feel like I'm acting. But it does kind of feel like I'm on autopilot. I can have very meaningful discussions, even help others process an experience, and they feel like I'm fully present. For me it's no different than to talk about the weather. I can just do it.
This probably isn't a good thing for my trauma healing.