Therapist didn't show and I may be done

[Muttly]

Some background first. I had a therapist that was really great for a lot of years. Then she had all sorts of personal crisis, covid happened and I had changed a lot. She got unreliable in some ways and we had communication issues and it was time to move on. I found a therapist who was ok-ish. She wasn't special but she had some good insights and I wasn't ready to not have a therapist. I moved quite a distance and found a therapist here.

In a lot of ways she's really good. She gets trauma and has good insights. I haven't connected with her as much as I wish though. Honestly, I think some of that is me. My life is just so full now. I work full time and am going to school. I moved across the country to live with my fiancee and so my life has changed a ton - a new job, new state, and living with someone (in a relationship) for the first time. I've thought of taking a break from therapy because I'm not fully committed. Having said that, just lately we've started to go deeper. Anyway, there was one session she double booked and couldn't see me. I realized when she didn't show I'd never got an appointment reminder. She was super apologetic and explained she has some troubles with the scheduling software and she has made sure it hasn't happened since. This weekend I realized I hadn't gotten this week's appointment on my calendar so I texted her and asked. She answered and gave me the date and time. I got my appointment reminder. I was dragging today but I showed up. She wasn't there. Her response to the text was that she forgot and she was sorry and would give me the next session free.

I appreciate the offer of the free session but that doesn't really fix it. I mean, I mentally primed myself to talk about stuff so there was the emotional investment. And I dragged my tired butt to her office and sat in my car doing homework until it was time for the appointment. I could have been home and comfortable. And maybe that's whiny, but I guess my point is that even if I haven't been fully into therapy I've still been committed. I guess I'm mad? And I haven't been sure I want to do therapy at all and I really don't want to if I can't rely on her to be there. And my inclination is to just quit. No more appointments with her. No trying to get closure, if that's a thing. That part, may be me running away from conflict. I'm not sure. I know I'm good at just running from conflict/relationships. Meh, I don't know.

 

[Friday]

Without even reading your post?

If it’s hit the straw that broke the camels back… that’s fair.

Having read your post?

I work full time and am going to school.

OMFG!!! I am SO HAPPY for you!!! I remember when even giving it your all to the point of stupidity (it f*cked up the rest of your life) was crushing you in the parttime nature of what you “could” do for your vet/team. How FAR you have come, dear heart! I. Am. So. Proud… of all that you have accomplished. Well f*cking done, you, & you & your beloved. And YOU.

That part, may be me running away from conflict. I'm not sure. I

Also? Fair. As fixing an issue with someone established in your life? Is ALWAYS more emotionally investing than starting fresh. That doesn’t mean that starting fresh is wrong, or that the investment with someone established is wrong.

Personally? I would trust your gut with this one.

Take a break.
Invest in the established relationship.
Start fresh.
= ALL are BEST options. Depending on what you need/want/intuit/desire.

Trust yourself.

 

[kar]

I had three, yes I said three, therapists bail on me. All in the past year. It's the reason I stopped therapy. Two of them swore the appointments weren't made and put the blame on me and the third just stopped responding to me. I'm disappointed to say the least with therapists right now. I feel like a lot of them take the job but have no idea what they are getting into. It's just a paycheck to them.

 

[Movingforward10]

Totally get your feelings about it all. This is the second time there has been an issue with the scheduling. So how many more will there be? Your time is as precious as hers.
.however, if you're having a free session next, no harm in going and seeing if this can be resolved? And make a decision after that?

 

[whiteraven]

I can so relate. I had a therapist--actually really liked her--and she started a pattern (I stick with stuff way too long--I think she was late or didn't show like four times before I got it) of forgetting or being late. Finally, she let me know--after quite a long while--that she was closing her practice and that she had taken another job at a local hospital. I was crushed. I ended up taking a long break. It's the second time I did that, and I discovered that, once I was stabilized, I got a whole lot more out of the breaks than I did in therapy.

Best of luck to you! I also did full-time work and school (two degrees), and I know how much extra that adds to everything.

 

[Freida]

OMFG!!! I am SO HAPPY for you!!! I remember when even giving it your all to the point of stupidity (it f*cked up the rest of your life) was crushing you in the parttime nature of what you “could” do for your vet/team. How FAR you have come, dear heart! I. Am. So. Proud… of all that you have accomplished. Well f*cking done, you, & you & your beloved. And YOU.

This!! this!!! THIS!!! yay you!!!!!!

 

[Muttly]

Hehe, thank you @Friday and @Freida that was a good reminder. I think I needed that.

@kar I am sorry that was your experience. That is hard

. So how many more will there be? Your time is as precious as hers.
.however, if you're having a free session next, no harm in going and seeing if this can be resolved?

That's a fair point. It's not so much the money though. I have flex spending I need to use up. It's the time and energy that has been making me not want to go.

I was crushed. I ended up taking a long break. It's the second time I did that, and I discovered that, once I was stabilized, I got a whole lot more out of the breaks than I did in therapy.

hmm... interesting. Is there something out the breaks that allowed you to get more out of them?

As far as stability goes, I'm the most stable I've been in... decades? Which is maybe another good reminder. I'm ok. And yet, the idea of not having a therapist scares me. Maybe because it's been so long.

This is probably a dumb question, but... I'm mad that she didn't show. Is that ok? Reasonable? She did apologize in her text but I don't know if she gets just how big a deal it is. Of course, text isn't a great vehicle for communication. It was our last session before Christmas which is my hardest day. In years past, this would have been freaking devastating.

Personally? I would trust your gut with this one.

Crazy talk! hehehe. My gut says I just want to be done. I guess I'm just worried that I'm being reactionary and will regret it. I'm thinking of writing out an email to her that I may or may not send. Shares my thought and take a freaking break

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm thinking of writing out an email to her that I may or may not send. Shares my thought and take a freaking break

Writing an email sounds a really good idea. That way you get to express what you need and assess her response without the time and energy of going to the session.

If you're feeling you're done. That's ok too? Like you say, you have so many great things happening in your life right now, and maybe they are the focus for you at the moment.

 

[scout86]

I'm mad that she didn't show. Is that ok?

Seems ok to me. That is, assuming you're not planning to deal with the anger by blowing up her car or something. (Never crossed your mind, did it? LOL) The email sounds like a good idea, whether you send it or not. There have been lots of time when doing something like writing a letter or an email has given me some good insight into what's going on.

My therapist retired about a year & a half ago. There aren't a lot of T's around here, much less good ones. There was no one he felt he could recommend. and I haven't felt like looking. It's working out ok (I think). And I think he would have said something if he hadn't thought it would be ok. But, I do miss having him to talk to and run things by. It's not a problem, I just miss it. You might find the same thing is true for you, if you decide to take a break.

I don't know if she gets just how big a deal it is.

I wonder about that too. You seem to be in a pretty good place so it's not a catastrophe for you. At a different time, it might have been. For someone else it might have been too. I guess I'm surprised to hear that therapists missing appointments seems to be kind of common. I mean, it's a JOB isn't it? They have office hours? How do you forget to show up for regularly scheduled office hours? I can see, maybe, if you scheduled something for an day/time you didn't normally work and then forgot but??????

I hope THIS Christmas is a good one for you and yours! Don't let it be haunted by Christmases past! I'm glad to hear things are going reasonably well for you!!!

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @Muttly , I think drafting an email is a good idea. And I agree with all your thoughts as possibilities. Aswell as others thoughts. My only 2 cents would be don't let this feeling of being let down by therapy be the conclusion to your therapeutic relationship. Take the offer of "the next session is free" and explain and talk about your thoughts and feelings about this.

You may well decide that you don't need/want therapy again/at the moment but I say..."be in control of the end game" because something may happen in the future where you need therapy again but feel too let down too go back.

So glad to hear aswell that things are actually good for you. All the best

 

[whiteraven]

Is there something out the breaks that allowed you to get more out of them?

Good question. I notice that, when I'm seeing someone, I am very focused on what we're talking about, what we could be talking about, etc. When I'm not focused on the therapy and therapist, I'm able to be much more mindful of...well, of just whatever else is going on. It sort of takes me out of that therapy headspace and allows me to *live*. I'm not goin to say it's easier in terms of symptoms, etc., but I notice more of the good stuff when I'm not focused on the others.

I'm mad that she didn't show. Is that ok? Reasonable?

OMG...yes! It's more than ok.

I don't know if she gets just how big a deal it is.

I have been at a point where I believe the only way my T (or anyone) will get it is if something terrible happens. I think it's one of the reasons some people do awful things--no one hears, no one sees.

My gut says I just want to be done. I guess I'm just worried that I'm being reactionary and will regret it.

Wondering if you can just take a break? That's what I do when I hit a wall--I let him know that I need a break, and he always says he is available when I am ready to go back.

 

[Friday]

Crazy talk! hehehe. My gut says I just want to be done. I guess I'm just worried that I'm being reactionary and will regret it. I'm thinking of writing out an email to her that I may or may not send. Shares my thought and take a freaking break

That feeling of “done”? I eeeeeeeventually learned -for me, myself, & I- is 100% accurate…. For a short time. In my own life? 6weeks to 6months is my average. 6weeks, tops, if it’s a thing; 6 months, tops, if it’s a whole helluva lotta things that have been piling on for a long time.

…So? I learned than when I’m “done”… I need to take a vacation, rather than walking away & burning all my bridges in the process.

After I’ve had a break?
- 4:5 times, I want my life back!
- 1:5 times, I know really clearly that I need/want/desire to take my life in a different direction AND now have the mental/emotional clarity to do so.

So, Cha.

TOTALLY get the fear of being fractional (reactional) thing.

That cross out? Was a Freudian slip. When I’m a bit shattered I tend to do things I regret, later. Because my reactions are based more on the NECESSITY of repairing my own fractures, than on what I need/want in my life. Hence the whole …eventually… learning that taking a vacation heals the fracturing/shattered/not-right-ness, and let’s me make decisions based on how I want my life to look, rather than in survival mode.

^^^ The vague speech above about some things? Is because I’m talking MOSTLY about walking away from my whole durn life, rather than a person/relationship/job/place/etc. I would just scrap ALL of it. But? Later, much much much later, also learned those same impulses also apply to singular things (like therapy, jobs, relationships, etc.). And the same cheat/trick of taking a break… gives me the same clarity in the singular thing, that taking a vacation has on my life overall.