Sufferer Would be helpful to not feel alone

[PlainJane]

Welcome, I hope you find the forum helpful!

 

[jnfrapplegate]

Exactly, the only person who you are in control of how they feel, is you. Part of a dysfunctional family is that confusion between caring and controlling. It's a lot harder for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families to know the difference. In our own behaviors and in others. If it feels like a power struggle then its most likely a power struggle. Don't get sucked in and definitely don't try to use guilt to gain some control. Just don't be in it. As hard as that might be. We are all toxic when we are in the victim/drama triangle.

I couldn't agree more. Again, thank you for your constructive criticism. We can't heal without hearing the hard things. I definitely don't want someone to feel sorry for me. I want to hear the hard things so I can grow.

 

[DarkVixen]

I couldn't agree more. Again, thank you for your constructive criticism. We can't heal without hearing the hard things. I definitely don't want someone to feel sorry for me. I want to hear the hard things so I can grow.

You'll learn it too. Once you learn the patterns that dysfunctional relationships fall into, the easier it will become to spot them and stay clear of them. Being assertive is not the same thing as being argumentative. Set boundaries and start saying no and mean it. If your son wants to engage in an argument simply tell him, I don't want to argue with you, So I am going to go on my way. Set boundaries.

 

[jnfrapplegate]

Do you think ignoring him is the best response?

 

[DarkVixen]

I think it depends on the situation. If he's flipping you the bird from across the street then ignore him. If he's in your face giving you the finger, then that would be the time to be assertive and set your boundaries of behavior you won't tolerate and to set boundaries of your own personal space. If he's dysfunctionallly trying to communicate then acknowledge that. If it's to say I know you're angry at me for things that happened but this isn't how to settle them. If you want to talk, we can talk, but not like this.

It depends on the situation. If you are turning your nose up at him like he's dog poop then you're playing the game. If you're ducking into alleyways whenever you see him, then you're playing the game. Those behaviors are about control having it or giving it up. You don't want to do either.

If you see him as you're entering the mall then say hey or nod and continue on your way. If he says hey back then you know you have a truce. Work from there. Say Merry Christmas or how's the kids. It takes time for everyone to accept new boundaries. When you take control of yourself and let them take control of themselves that's when you stop playing the game. Respect his boundaries too. If he doesn't want to say hey then respect that. His behavior is not your problem, unless he's physically harming you, then it's the police's problem. Your only concern is your own behavior. Be someone you can be proud of. Someone who is getting her shit together.

 

[DarkVixen]

Mutual respect is something dysfunctional families don't have. Aim for that.

 

[jnfrapplegate]

Mutual respect is something dysfunctional families don't have. Aim for that.

Thank you for the feedback. I won't run from him, unless he is pointing a gun at me, I also refuse to play his game. I also don't want to be the mom that completely walks away unless absolutely necessary. He will not have any kind of healthy dialogue with me in any way. I have tried, even when I stayed with he and his wife after I left his dad. Their marriage is just as toxic if not more so than my marriage to his dad was. That is why I left their home. He also continually allowed his father to come visit me at his house when I was staying there, against my wishes.

 

[DarkVixen]

Thank you for the feedback. I won't run from him, unless he is pointing a gun at me, I also refuse to play his game. I also don't want to be the mom that completely walks away unless absolutely necessary. He will not have any kind of healthy dialogue with me in any way. I have tried, even when I stayed with he and his wife after I left his dad. Their marriage is just as toxic if not more so than my marriage to his dad was. That is why I left their home. He also continually allowed his father to come visit me at his house when I was staying there, against my wishes.

Maybe given time, your son will want to reconnect with you. For your own mental health thou start working on building other healthy relationships and finding a purpose beyond the role of mother.

 

[jnfrapplegate]

Absolutely important to find my current purpose in life. I def have some hard work to do in that area of healing.

 

[jnfrapplegate]

As someone whose sons were abusive to her after leaving a husband who showed signs of NPD, I feel compelled to say that if you are saying “I love you” and waving but internally resenting him that disconnect between your feelings and your behavior will do a number on your mental health. Believe me, any response you give provides him with satisfaction, as you are engaged in a drama triangle with him and his dad. It’s a shit ton of work to disengage and unravel the enmeshment but you can do it!

Welcome to the forum, hope you find healing and a space to process here.

This is a shit ton of work, but good things only come after hard work. It is hard to not feel like I am abandoning him in some way. I have to realize that he is now an adult and it isn't my fight anymore. My son has to grow up and process his own emotions and learn to deal with his own struggles. I can't fix this for him he has to fix it. One of the biggest challenges of being a parent. I know he feels anger about me leaving his father. The piece of this that is difficult to process is since he was about 10 yo he would ask me why dad was so mean to me. How come I allowed his dad to treat me that way. And now.....he treats me the same way. My boyfriend says DNA is DNA and learned behavior has to be accepted among oneself to learn to change your ways if you so choose. As, Darkvixen stated the only one I can control or fix is myself.

 

[Jennifer Revoal]

Hello to all. I just found this site and am so glad I did. I suffered extreme narcissistic abuse from my parents growing up and then married a narcissist and stayed married to him for 27 years. At 49 yo I walked away from my narcissistic husband. In doing so I lost my adult son, and my now two grandsons - one of whom i have never met. My son took his father's side in the divorce. My parents, although they hated my husband the entire time we were married, also turned their back on me by stirring the pot, refusing to help me when I left, and have even provided my ex substantial amounts of money throughout the divorce. I left him 4.5 years ago now. I do fairly well most days with some moments/triggers that are extremely crippling. It will be very helpful to not feel alone when the rough days get me down and the anxiety is overwhelming.

I would like to find someone to talk to who understands. Never knew my alcoholic father and my mother was very cold emotionally. I ended up in a very abusive relationship where the person was extremely violent for 8 years, then married a verbally abusive partner for another 20 years. Made very poor choices, although I didn't choose to be with the violent partner, he wouldn't leave me alone. I feel like no one understands.

 

[sp33]

Hello to all. I just found this site and am so glad I did. I suffered extreme narcissistic abuse from my parents growing up and then married a narcissist and stayed married to him for 27 years. At 49 yo I walked away from my narcissistic husband. In doing so I lost my adult son, and my now two grandsons - one of whom i have never met. My son took his father's side in the divorce. My parents, although they hated my husband the entire time we were married, also turned their back on me by stirring the pot, refusing to help me when I left, and have even provided my ex substantial amounts of money throughout the divorce. I left him 4.5 years ago now. I do fairly well most days with some moments/triggers that are extremely crippling. It will be very helpful to not feel alone when the rough days get me down and the anxiety is overwhelming.

Hello, I was reading this thread and can relate to some of the things you say but with a different situation. I was married for 18 years and finally left due to emotional abuse and many other reasons. When I left (he was 19 at the time) my son was so angry with me and abandoned me. we have not spoken for 7 years. He has blocked me from all his social media and his phone. I have tried everything to reconnect with him but have not had any luck. My heart hurts every day and I don't think I will ever stop hurting. I guess, I have just learned to live with the pain.