If I do something good/ do self-care then the universe will do something bad to even it out (sense of doom)

[Ecdysis]

So, I need to get a lot of stuff done atm (moving house, amongst other things) and avoidance is a big issue, as usual.

I'm finding something weird - that if I push through the avoidance and acutally get a bunch of stuff done, there's not so much a sense of achievement, as you'd expect, but more a sense of doom/ foreboding that now that I've done something positive, the universe will drop something (big) negative on me to even it out.

It's weird.

It's like when things are bad and I let them stay that way then it's "predictable" bad stuff and I can deal with it.

But if I improve things and then feel... complacent (?) about it and decrease hypervigilance... then an unexpected bad thing will happen and catch me off guard.

So it's "safer" to just leave things in a predictably-bad state... because... umm, my logic says then the universe is less likely to add other, unexpected bad stuff to it... because I'm already struggling/ suffering enough...?

Doesn't make much sense, but everytime I'm doing good stuff, the sense of doom is immediately there to accompany it... like it's laughing in my face "Oh, so you think you can improve your life? That's soooooo naive... Whatch this.......!"

 

[KayW]

I know this feeling too well.

But I think there is logic in it when you've experienced abuse, particularly abuse from people you have relationships with (family, friends, partners) because that's what they do - they hurt you and make it feel like you deserve nothing better. And if you look like you're getting stronger or doing good at something, or if you try to please them, they hurt you again and reinforce that you deserve nothing better.

I obviously don't know what you have been through, but maybe it does make sense in relation to trauma. But recognizing it as a distortion is a good thing.

 

[beaneeboo]

So, I need to get a lot of stuff done atm (moving house, amongst other things) and avoidance is a big issue, as usual.

I'm finding something weird - that if I push through the avoidance and acutally get a bunch of stuff done, there's not so much a sense of achievement, as you'd expect, but more a sense of doom/ foreboding that now that I've done something positive, the universe will drop something (big) negative on me to even it out.

It's weird.

It's like when things are bad and I let them stay that way then it's "predictable" bad stuff and I can deal with it.

But if I improve things and then feel... complacent (?) about it and decrease hypervigilance... then an unexpected bad thing will happen and catch me off guard.

So it's "safer" to just leave things in a predictably-bad state... because... umm, my logic says then the universe is less likely to add other, unexpected bad stuff to it... because I'm already struggling/ suffering enough...?

Doesn't make much sense, but everytime I'm doing good stuff, the sense of doom is immediately there to accompany it... like it's laughing in my face "Oh, so you think you can improve your life? That's soooooo naive... Whatch this.......!"

It makes alot of sense and I think there will likely be lots of people here who understand what you've described... it's not weird...

This feels like a very heavy set of chains around you @Ecdysis ... I'm sorry you're in this position and I know a little bit of what this feels like...

To me this speaks of a feeling of lack of control and agency ..I'm guessing its because growing up that was your reality... assuming because of ongoing trauma. . and so every time something good happened it couldn't last for long because you weren't in control of that...

It may feel safer to keep things controlled as you are now but it's not healthier... or conducive to you (or anyone of us!) reaching your potential.. or being able to live without fear ...

I guess the question is, how to allow yourself / tap into that sense of achievement you say which is so hard to connect to... allow yourself to feel it... and acknowledge it without the fear it won't last....do you have other people in your life (anyone) who gives you compliments or recognises your achievements?

Sometimes doing something as simple as writing a list of achievements can get your brain in the right mode for thinking in this way (using @Sideways function meter obviously helps with this)... but also maybe taking action to celebrate your achievements (this may be harder!) could be the next step... so once you have your list bits ticked, could you then agree with yourself what you're going to do to acknowledge and celebrate when things are going well? Could be making a nice drink for yourself, watching a favourite film/ programme, going for a walk, whatever it may be which is realistic and motivating for you to do? The idea is you feel GOOD doing them...

Maybe you could also come back the next day after something has gone well, when you have this feeling of doom, and sit down and look objectively at what has gone wrong since that moment? What negative come back actually happened? Likely nothing or very little - certainly not as a result of your achievement or the thing that's gone well... Maybe make a counter list of things which have actually gone good since then...

Could this also be something to take to therapy? Could it be that applying a very practical CBT approach to these thoughts and feelings , with T assisting, may help tackle this very specific pattern which keeps coming back round?

Just spurting ideas... feel free to ignore!

 

[arfie]

Doesn't make much sense, but everytime I'm doing good stuff, the sense of doom is immediately there to accompany it... like it's laughing in my face "Oh, so you think you can improve your life? That's soooooo naive... Whatch this.......!"

it makes zero sense to me, but here i am, stuck with it, whether i understand it, or knot. onward through the confusions and contusions.

It's like when things are bad and I let them stay that way then it's "predictable" bad stuff and I can deal with it.

But if I improve things and then feel... complacent (?) about it and decrease hypervigilance... then an unexpected bad thing will happen and catch me off guard.

in my own case, i subscribe to the notion that i don't crave what is good for me. i crave what feels like home. at 69, the base of what feels like home is still the back of a 60's station wagon with ten equally abused siblings. chaos personified. "reframing" is a psychotherapy tool i believe has served me well in dealing with this conditioning. with radical acceptance of my childhood conditioning --whether it makes sense or knot-- i can more effectively deal with whatever **bad** thing which catches me off-guard without reverting to the hypervigilance of a child hiding a piece of candy from her 10 hunogry sibs.

ahhhhhhh. . . making sense of the insensible. . .
onward through the fog. . .

 

[Shaylee]

It's like when things are bad and I let them stay that way then it's "predictable" bad stuff and I can deal with it.

Not weird and makes all the sense in the world to me. I was commenting in my own journal recently that I don’t like good or bad recognition but I prefer the bad because I can deal with it. I have been wondering about this since… I think your post sums it up very well. I too have even stated out loud to friends etc “I need to step back a bit, things have been going too well”. I have even gone hermit mode over this because my fear of what will happen. To me bad karma is what happens when too much is going right.

I never really thought about it all together like this… seeing it in writing it now almost appears to be… self-sabotage on my part maybe? Like the Evil Queen (my inner critic) is casting some sort of… curse. (Yes, I know I sound crazy)

I do not have any words of wisdom but I do want to say thank you for very much for sharing. I am frequently in the same boat.

 

[DarkVixen]

I know this feeling too well.

But I think there is logic in it when you've experienced abuse, particularly abuse from people you have relationships with (family, friends, partners) because that's what they do - they hurt you and make it feel like you deserve nothing better. And if you look like you're getting stronger or doing good at something, or if you try to please them, they hurt you again and reinforce that you deserve nothing better.

I obviously don't know what you have been through, but maybe it does make sense in relation to trauma. But recognizing it as a distortion is a good thing.

Wow that is so insightful. What a simple, but logical explanation for it.

 

[Friday]

For me? It’s only when I direct that towards myself. If I’m helping someone else? I don’t expect a cosmic smackdown. It’s a mitzvah. It’s a good thing. But if I’m helping me’self? Prepare for hellfire to rain down. >.<.

So… yah. Get that.