Talking about trauma with youngins

[BuildingSelf24]

I have a little brother. He’s 12 and I’m 27. Almost every week now, he asks me about my trauma in different ways. Today, he asked me if I was a victim of sexual abuse and I said no comment. Then he said you were and I said yea. I felt so vulnerable in that moment. I told him I would tell him about it sometime.

But I don’t know how. I don’t think I’m ready to tell him. Plus he’s still pretty young and our relationship is mainly one where I’m supportive of him and his emotions and needs. It feels weird and off to concern him with my own. It’s also weird because the sexual abuse was with a family member. We don’t see him at all but we see his mom and sister who are kind of related to the abuse.

It just feels so awkward and I don’t really want our relationship dynamic to change. I’m not really sure how to handle this.

 

[Movingforward10]

I have a little brother. He’s 12 and I’m 27. Almost every week now, he asks me about my trauma in different ways. Today, he asked me if I was a victim of sexual abuse and I said no comment. Then he said you were and I said yea. I felt so vulnerable in that moment. I told him I would tell him about it sometime.

But I don’t know how. I don’t think I’m ready to tell him. Plus he’s still pretty young and our relationship is mainly one where I’m supportive of him and his emotions and needs. It feels weird and off to concern him with my own. It’s also weird because the sexual abuse was with a family member. We don’t see him at all but we see his mom and sister who are kind of related to the abuse.

It just feels so awkward and I don’t really want our relationship dynamic to change. I’m not really sure how to handle this.

You don't need to say anything you don't want to. You've said what you wanted and that's that. Your answer doesn't need to change because he asks again (which he might do because he is 12 and exploring and figuring things out).

His curiosity isn't yours to solve.

You could say, if you wanted "I can't talk about it and it would help if you stopped asking. I'll tell you when I am ready. "

Just to clarify: you're not acting in a parenting role to him? He has a parent? Because I wonder where the parent comes in to help with all of this.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

You can tell him things like that are very sensitive and difficult to talk about for people who went through them, so it has to be in their own time when they share about it. You could make that the teaching point, and leave the details.

He does not have to know these things, and I think it would be better for him to know that boundaries are important and talking about these things has its impact, time, people and place.

 

[arfie]

as a birth mother and a foster mother, i cope by keeping the focus on what is best for the child, taking my reads from my own emotional responses. if the child's question has triggered a ptsd psychosis in my own self, i am not in a good state of mind to explain well. i gently postpone the discussion with something to the effect of, "we are not ready to go there." i then work to change the subject. "what do you think of that new kid in class?"

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you sort your own case. kudos on caring enough about little bro to ask. may your relationship grow to its fullest potential. a sibling you actually like is one of life's most precious gifts.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

You don't need to say anything you don't want to. You've said what you wanted and that's that. Your answer doesn't need to change because he asks again (which he might do because he is 12 and exploring and figuring things out).

His curiosity isn't yours to solve.

You could say, if you wanted "I can't talk about it and it would help if you stopped asking. I'll tell you when I am ready. "

Just to clarify: you're not acting in a parenting role to him? He has a parent? Because I wonder where the parent comes in to help with all of this.

Somehow saying I don’t want to talk about it feels wrong but that’s most likely from trauma.

Nope. I’m not his parent but I spend the most time with him. I don’t even know what my mom would say about this. Even though she knows what happened, she never talks about it. My grandma has heard him asking about it but hasn’t said anything. In general, our family never really talks about traumatic things, only if others bring it up.

You can tell him things like that are very sensitive and difficult to talk about for people who went through them, so it has to be in their own time when they share about it. You could make that the teaching point, and leave the details.

He does not have to know these things, and I think it would be better for him to know that boundaries are important and talking about these things has its impact, time, people and place.

Yea. I didn’t really think of this. I feel like a bad sister for not turning it into a teaching moment. Ugh! I hate trauma brain.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Yea. I didn’t really think of this. I feel like a bad sister for not turning it into a teaching moment. Ugh! I hate trauma brain.

It's hard to think of things on the spot, I wouldn't be able to think of that in this situation either.
I think you're being too hard on yourself

 

[BuildingSelf24]

as a birth mother and a foster mother, i cope by keeping the focus on what is best for the child, taking my reads from my own emotional responses. if the child's question has triggered a ptsd psychosis in my own self, i am not in a good state of mind to explain well. i gently postpone the discussion with something to the effect of, "we are not ready to go there." i then work to change the subject. "what do you think of that new kid in class?"

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you sort your own case. kudos on caring enough about little bro to ask. may your relationship grow to its fullest potential. a sibling you actually like is one of life's most precious gifts.

Yea. Right after we went back to what we were watching. He’s definitely not thinking about it but I certainly am. Lol

Thank you! He’s a funny and cute kid with his mischievous moments but I find it so adorable. I’m hoping we’ll still be close as he goes through the teenage years.

It's hard to think of things on the spot, I wouldn't be able to think of that in this situation either.
I think you're being too hard on yourself

You are definitely right. I just don’t want to say or do the wrong thing around him. Our family definitely isn’t the greatest and I’m always worried I’ll add to it.

 

[Movingforward10]

Somehow saying I don’t want to talk about it feels wrong but that’s most likely from trauma.

Yeah, that's trauma talking.
As why can't you say no? It's perfectly ok to do.
But putting in boundaries and advocating for yourself feels awful and I comfortable and wrong to start off with, if you have been programmed to put others first and abandon yourself.
But it's actually great to do! The more you do it , the easier it gets. And it feels soooooooo much better!

Do, no, nothing wrong with you saying to him it's too hard to talk about.
He"ll move on from it in the blink of an eye. Like he has as you have already outlined.

 

[arfie]

He’s definitely not thinking about it but I certainly am. Lol

this seems to be true for me each and every time i back the cherubs off from my sore spots. their curiosity abates while my ptsd symptoms escalate. i am risking the sin of pride to report that, with practice, gently backing off their curiosity while discretely plying therapy tools to my own psychosis has gotten easier. much, much easier. i love you, my precious, but my sore spots are no place for idle curiosity. they are, however, a good place for gentle, compassionate humor. laughter gets my vote as the most versatile medicine available, emphasis on gentle compassion.

I’m hoping we’ll still be close as he goes through the teenage years.

greedy wench that i am, i hope you'll still be as close when you are old enough that the 15 years between you feels irrelevant. go big or get back.

 

[Charbella]

I’d be more concerned about the source of their curiosity. Most kids that age don’t think about those types of things. Maybe next time they ask instead of sharing anything about you, you should ask. It may well be that they’re being abused which is why the questions.

 

[Movingforward10]

I’d be more concerned about the source of their curiosity. Most kids that age don’t think about those types of things. Maybe next time they ask instead of sharing anything about you, you should ask. It may well be that they’re being abused which is why the questions.

That's true. Could be that.

 

[Friday]

My personal rule is that I only talk about trauma with kids if it's immediately relevant to their lives. And even then? In a HIGHLY redacted, very careful way. Because, as the adult, it's all about THEM, not about me, and what I need or want, or is best for me. It's my responsibility to protect them. If they're not already dealing with something? I'm not talking to them about it.