I think I realised something today that might have been a breakthrough in my story.
I’ve really struggle to let go of my ex with CPTSD.
i just couldn’t understand what happened, or why it all still felt ‘current’.
Today, I realised that I’d bought into a relationship entirely on their terms.
They came in so strong at the start, I allowed that to happen and I got used to feeling really loved and cared about.
But they set the bar for trust and connection so high, there’s no way I could’ve reached the standard and if I tried to, it often felt like they were fighting to stop me.
I couldn’t bear to break it off, their demands seemed to get more involved and in the end they broke it off after I couldn’t reach them.
And I felt terrible about it, and I felt like it was all my fault.
BUT -
There were key moments early on where I made barely-noticed decisions to prioritise them and their sense of need.
I held some boundaries at the beginning and they disappeared.
After that - and after I found out more about their trauma (and knowing nothing about CPTSD) - I thought that success meant doing all I could to make sure they stayed to see if we’d be good in a relationship.
That slipped into doing everything on their terms, and accepting ‘rules of the game’ that I didn’t fully know that I was accepting until it was done.
No wonder I felt so unhappy and insecure.
I never even felt as though we really got a proper chance to see if we were compatible.
I’m not even sure I really know them, deep down. I think I do, but… I’m not even sure if their therapist knows everything.
They seemed to triangulate the therapist in a way that put pressure on me to do things (“my T said you need to deal with your bulls**t” etc), and when I asked if they’d discussed an angry outburst with their therapist (I was being gentle and supportive, not nosey), they said they hadn’t (which seemed strange, because it was significant enough that I’d have thought they‘d want to flag it up). It made me wonder if they were giving the T a less-than-fair insight into what was really happening…
Anyway, what I’ve learned is that a relationship is where two people who play a similar-but-unique game meet, and decide the rules and goals of a new game that they’ll enjoy playing together (a combination of the two separate games you used to play as individuals).
The moment you’re asked to play someone else’s game on their terms (or you ask someone to play yours), you’re in ‘control’ territory.
It almost becomes more like a ‘master-servant’ relationship as you bend backwards to appease them.
Or - worse - master-slave. (Obviously I’m not talking about the usual levels of flexibility needed to make a relationship work, and I’m only really reflecting on our specific relationship really).
Understanding this big picture view has been more important to me than obsessing over ‘why they said x’, or ‘why they did y’.
I care for them, I still feel strongly for them, and I’m still hurting.
But I also think I see things a bit clearer.
I see why the whole thing was built on a very shakey (maybe impossible) premise, and I see the role I played in it.
It doesn’t excuse them for their part, but it feels good to consider my side too.
Perhaps I can start to grieve it and let go, and focus on myself a bit more now.
It’s very early days, but… I think that’s the direction I’m heading in!
I’ve really struggle to let go of my ex with CPTSD.
i just couldn’t understand what happened, or why it all still felt ‘current’.
Today, I realised that I’d bought into a relationship entirely on their terms.
They came in so strong at the start, I allowed that to happen and I got used to feeling really loved and cared about.
But they set the bar for trust and connection so high, there’s no way I could’ve reached the standard and if I tried to, it often felt like they were fighting to stop me.
I couldn’t bear to break it off, their demands seemed to get more involved and in the end they broke it off after I couldn’t reach them.
And I felt terrible about it, and I felt like it was all my fault.
BUT -
There were key moments early on where I made barely-noticed decisions to prioritise them and their sense of need.
I held some boundaries at the beginning and they disappeared.
After that - and after I found out more about their trauma (and knowing nothing about CPTSD) - I thought that success meant doing all I could to make sure they stayed to see if we’d be good in a relationship.
That slipped into doing everything on their terms, and accepting ‘rules of the game’ that I didn’t fully know that I was accepting until it was done.
No wonder I felt so unhappy and insecure.
I never even felt as though we really got a proper chance to see if we were compatible.
I’m not even sure I really know them, deep down. I think I do, but… I’m not even sure if their therapist knows everything.
They seemed to triangulate the therapist in a way that put pressure on me to do things (“my T said you need to deal with your bulls**t” etc), and when I asked if they’d discussed an angry outburst with their therapist (I was being gentle and supportive, not nosey), they said they hadn’t (which seemed strange, because it was significant enough that I’d have thought they‘d want to flag it up). It made me wonder if they were giving the T a less-than-fair insight into what was really happening…
Anyway, what I’ve learned is that a relationship is where two people who play a similar-but-unique game meet, and decide the rules and goals of a new game that they’ll enjoy playing together (a combination of the two separate games you used to play as individuals).
The moment you’re asked to play someone else’s game on their terms (or you ask someone to play yours), you’re in ‘control’ territory.
It almost becomes more like a ‘master-servant’ relationship as you bend backwards to appease them.
Or - worse - master-slave. (Obviously I’m not talking about the usual levels of flexibility needed to make a relationship work, and I’m only really reflecting on our specific relationship really).
Understanding this big picture view has been more important to me than obsessing over ‘why they said x’, or ‘why they did y’.
I care for them, I still feel strongly for them, and I’m still hurting.
But I also think I see things a bit clearer.
I see why the whole thing was built on a very shakey (maybe impossible) premise, and I see the role I played in it.
It doesn’t excuse them for their part, but it feels good to consider my side too.
Perhaps I can start to grieve it and let go, and focus on myself a bit more now.
It’s very early days, but… I think that’s the direction I’m heading in!
Last edited:
