Wanting to Hold on to Anger for Safety

[BuildingSelf24]

I read that continual anger can inhibit other emotions like grief. I don’t want to let go of the anger though. I’m afraid to let go of it. The realization that I was screwed over and the subsequent anger made me want to get away and allowed me to take steps towards removing myself from shitty relationships.

I know I should let it go though. I can feel the background anger and it definitely leaks out into my facial expressions and tone of voice randomly. I just feel conflicted about it and don’t know how to frame it. I still believe that the anger will keep those awful people at bay if they do somehow come back into my life. Remembering what they did and remembering how angry I should feel will help me not allow them to weasel their way back in if or when they do try.

How can I justify letting the anger go to myself? Am I missing a vital step or piece of information that would click things into place for me mentally and emotionally?

 

[Movingforward10]

How can I justify letting the anger go to myself? Am I missing a vital step or piece of information that would click things into place for me mentally and emotionally?

My T says that angry has a productivity to it. Energy. I can see that. It feels 'helpful' in that way. But can then be a defensive thing. Defending from what's underneath it.

I personally think you have to go underneath the anger, to the place where there is no energy or productivity (a lot of emotional pain) , and process that, before coming out the other end.

Because: anger doesn't stop what might happen or what has happened. It's taking energy from you to remain angry. Energy that could be put to better use: peacefulness and energy into what makes you happy. So that's the justification?

I think I struggled with letting some emotion go because it felt like letting the seriousness of the situation go. Like I was gaslighting myself again about it. But I had to shift that. You can acknowledge the awfulness of what happened without holding onto the anger.

 

[Friday]

I read that continual anger can inhibit other emotions like grief.

Anger? Is focusing. Which means it’s also blinding. If you want to use anger as fuel? You have to learn how to cool it, coil it, store it away. Or the fire consumes you, and causes endless stupid.

I don’t want to let go of the anger though. I’m afraid to let go of it

That’s useful. It -the fear- speaks to severe lack of confidence. That without the anger, & with cool reason? You’d have an entirely different opinion. It’s like drunk dialing someone, that kind of anger. Wild. Unchecked. Undistilled. Lashing out blindly, or worse, at the weakest link / most convienent target / someone who doesn’t rate that anger but? Will also forgive you for it. (IE a punching bag. Someone who will absorb your blows for a loooong time, before busting at the seams).SELF CONFIDENCE is the cure to this particular brand of stupid. Not the self assuredness/ righteousness that often accompanies choosing weak/ready targets, but the assuredness of knowing that IF your anger is directed at someone? You are EITHER correct, OR able to change your mind.

The realization that I was screwed over and the subsequent anger made me want to get away and allowed me to take steps towards removing myself from shitty relationships.

Getting away from shitty relationships? Is NOT stupid. It’s concerning, though, what’s behind needing a “better” reason, than that the relationship is shitty.

I know I should let it go though. I can feel the background anger and it definitely leaks out into my facial expressions and tone of voice randomly.

Cha. I hate being a f*cking bitch to people who don’t deserve it. That’s the sort of thing that reeeeally deserves intent. IE, if I’m being an asshole to YOU? You f*cking had it coming. NOT because you caught me in a bad moment, so I’m treating you like shit, because of something that has nothing to do with you. Like some run of the mill anbusive asshole coming home and beating on his wife and kids because his day at work was shitty. Convienent targets? Can f*ck right off. If I’m pissed off at you? It had better be because of something YOU have actually done, rather than someone else I kept my shit together for, and am now blowing up on you, for.

Cause & effect.

Rather than monkey see, monkey do.

Someone shits on me? Does NOT mean I shit on the next person. Who shits on the next, and the next, and the next.

How can I justify letting the anger go to myself? Am I missing a vital step or piece of information that would click things into place for me mentally and emotionally?

Personally? I don’t.

Anger is earned… or it is not.

CHOOSING the target I direct my anger towards? Is on me.

MY choices.

Letting anger go? By choice? Does NOT mean anger is off limits. It means you’ve -or I have- made a decision, that with this instance -or with this person- the anger isn’t rated.

Self control. It’s a thing.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

That’s useful. It -the fear- speaks to severe lack of confidence. That without the anger, & with cool reason? You’d have an entirely different opinion.

Honestly, yea. I can still reason when I’m angry thankfully. I think because I know how destructive it can be to myself and others otherwise. But I do struggle with self confidence and trusting myself after everything. Putting myself in bad situations in the past is hard to get over for me.

It’s concerning, though, what’s behind needing a “better” reason, than that the relationship is shitty.

You’re right. The relationship being shitty should be enough, not the anger. It’s unnecessary.

IE, if I’m being an asshole to YOU? You f*cking had it coming. NOT because you caught me in a bad moment, so I’m treating you like shit, because of something that has nothing to do with you.

I hate doing that. I try to control it. It’s just my voice and facial expressions come off stern and judgmental. I think the anger is blocking me from coming off more compassionate. You’re right. Others don’t deserve it. I want to get a handle on it. Maybe letting go of the anger will help me better control my expressions.

Letting anger go? By choice? Does NOT mean anger is off limits. It means you’ve -or I have- made a decision, that with this instance -or with this person- the anger isn’t rated.

Definitely true. I’ll make sure to keep this in mind. I feel like such an asshole for not thinking of it that way and only focusing things not coming out how I want them to.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

Because: anger doesn't stop what might happen or what has happened. It's taking energy from you to remain angry. Energy that could be put to better use: peacefulness and energy into what makes you happy.

So true. The anger doesn’t stop what may happen or change what already has happened. It feels really sad and helpless to admit that but that’s true. I do tend to feel drained a lot so maybe letting the anger go will help me have more energy to be more happy and peaceful instead of distressed and anxious.

I think I struggled with letting some emotion go because it felt like letting the seriousness of the situation go. Like I was gaslighting myself again about it.

That’s exactly how I feel. I don’t want to take what happened lightly especially since others have gaslit me and tried to twist the narrative about things. I don’t want to do the same to myself.

You can acknowledge the awfulness of what happened without holding onto the anger.

Definitely true. I don’t need the anger to understand the weight of everything. Thank you for that.

 

[Survivor3]

Hello @BuildingSelf24, don't use your energy to fight the past when you could be using it to create a new future. Yes anger is an energy and you can use it but holding onto anger and making a choice to stay angry is a very negative and destructive mindset. It will consume you and will not only have psychological and emotional repercussions but maybe physical also on your health.

I know how difficult this subject is believe me like so many others here. We don’t "forgive people" for their sake... we do it for ourselves. It took me a very long time to understand that. Try to make decisions that you are proud and happy with. Don't turn into the people you hate and be kind to yourself...love yourself. Also (edited) You think holding onto anger keeps you safe and alert to face off your enemies, but it dosent save you from yourself. Best wishes to you.

 

[Ecdysis]

I found anger to be a super protective force in my life growing up too. And anger is what fueled my trauma recovery and trauma therapy for a long time. So, I "get" not wanting to let go of it.

Over the years, I've looked at the topic of anger because as @Survivor3 says, there are a LOT of down sides to it, too.

I never made much progress with it tho... until recently, when I started viewing it as the "fight survival response" - you've probably heard of fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn...?

Just as certain triggers can catapult me instantly into "flight" mode, for example, the same thing can happen re "fight" mode.

I started realising a) how much energy that sucks out of me, each and every day, and b) how much subtle damage it does to situations where a non-fight approach would yield much better results.

For me, focussing on not "automatically slipping into fight mode" (especially for tiny, non-appropriate triggers) has been a useful approach... It doesn't have me "letting go of anger" because anger as such is still a valuable safety tool... But it's a more "intentional" anger, like @Friday described. I'm just reducing the "automated fight response" stuff that my PTSD does wayyyyy too much... but anger still has its good, safe, helpful place in my life.

(I started a thread about it recently - in the "Dysregulation" section, I think, and was keeping an anger management journal in my member's diary too. I'm also doing an online anger management course that is really good and very affordable. (It's the kind that's court-mandated for people with anger issues, so it's a proper/ certified course. I think the link is in my thread about anger...))

 

[arfie]

i hold that anger is a natural emotion. letting go of emotional response is not any more practical than letting go of my big toe. however thick the steel in my steel-toed boots, the blasted thing is still there and gets irritating if i don't let it out of my steel-toed boots now and again.

i channel my anger, usually into vigorous activity. early into my recovery, i needed something as vigorous as demolishing trashed appliances or kick boxing. now a-days, something as basic as turning the compost is usually channel enough.

once the anger and all its corresponding hormones, etc., have been channeled, my mind clears up enough to be able to tackle the root cause.

but that is me and every case is unique.
steadying support while you sort your own case.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

Also (edited) You think holding onto anger keeps you safe and alert to face off your enemies, but it dosent save you from yourself.

That’s very apt. It doesn’t do anything to stop the flashbacks even makes them worse. It’s a mind f but I think I use anger as a crutch to protect myself from things I don’t want or like. I have to realize that anger isn’t what’s protecting me. My actions and how I go about things are protecting me. The emotions are just that, feelings. They don’t and can’t do anything. I can and do. Maybe it’ll help me build the confidence I’m lacking as @Friday has pointed out.

For me, focussing on not "automatically slipping into fight mode" (especially for tiny, non-appropriate triggers) has been a useful approach...

So true. I find myself trying to fight against something imaginary. It’s like a part of me is stuck in trauma time and is surprised that I can’t fight in the present. It’s definitely something I need to work on. I’ll look at your post and the resources it has. I hope it helps.

once the anger and all its corresponding hormones, etc., have been channeled, my mind clears up enough to be able to tackle the root cause.

I’m a bit scared to try channeling the anger. I have a bit in a past and it was almost like it was intensified. It’s been a few years since then. Maybe I’ll try it and see what happens.

 

[Movingforward10]

That’s exactly how I feel. I don’t want to take what happened lightly especially since others have gaslit me and tried to twist the narrative about things. I don’t want to do the same to myself.

Yeah, I get that. But you're not. You're processing. And doing healthy things for yourself.

I also think things are not a constant thing. So you can move beyond anger to a place of acceptance. But something might rock that, so anger comes up again. And you go through the process again.
If that makes sense.
And that's all ok.
It's working on making sure that thoughts and behaviours that go with emotions don't limit you and impact your life negatively now.

 

[arfie]

I’m a bit scared to try channeling the anger. I have a bit in a past and it was almost like it was intensified.

my own fear was that once i opened that box, i would never get all those demons back into containment. it was true on both scores, but not quite in the way i expected. opening that box resulted in a massive flood. it took me years (off and on) to channel all that repressed anger. eventually, the box emptied and, no, i never did get all those demons back into containment. good riddance.

without the backlog of repression, my more current anger channels proportionately more easily. channeling my anger into my compost pile remains far safer than channeling it up the nose of the whatever i am angry with.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

my own fear was that once i opened that box, i would never get all those demons back into containment. it was true on both scores, but not quite in the way i expected. opening that box resulted in a massive flood. it took me years (off and on) to channel all that repressed anger. eventually, the box emptied and, no, i never did get all those demons back into containment. good riddance.

without the backlog of repression, my more current anger channels proportionately more easily. channeling my anger into my compost pile remains far safer than channeling it up the nose of the whatever i am angry with.

How do you channel your anger? Is it primarily through actions or would something like angry music help too?

Yeah, I get that. But you're not. You're processing. And doing healthy things for yourself.

I also think things are not a constant thing. So you can move beyond anger to a place of acceptance. But something might rock that, so anger comes up again. And you go through the process again.
If that makes sense.
And that's all ok.
It's working on making sure that thoughts and behaviours that go with emotions don't limit you and impact your life negatively now.

Yea… I have to remind myself that I’m gaslighting myself or siding with abusers by letting the anger and memories go. I’m trying to lighten my load and make my life more peaceful and comfortable and I very much want peace and comfort. Thank you! This was so helpful.