Childhood Navigating Life After Childhood Sexual Abuse

[Lola234]

I feel like sharing more of my story...
My perp also shoved fingers in me.. down there and in my anus. I feel so embarassed about it, but he also licked me down there. He told me that he could see how much I liked it when he was doing it to me, and that I was moaning during it. I'm so embarassed.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@Lola234 - I’ve merged your 3 threads working through this trauma so that they are all in the one thread, rather than starting a new thread for each post.

Helps members follow along and provide meaningful support, and keeps all your additions to the topic in one space:)

 

[Lola234]

Mod Note:
@Lola234 - I’ve merged your 3 threads working through this trauma so that they are all in the one thread, rather than starting a new thread for each post.

Helps members follow along and provide meaningful support, and keeps all your additions to the topic in one space:)

Okay, thank you.

 

[rdd]

So, as I've already said, I went through child sexual abuse when I was 3-5. However, it still affects me in many ways. I repressed those memories until certain age and since then, it bothers me.
I don't know how to start. More than one people abused me. So, as I've already said, I went through child sexual abuse when I was 3-5. However, it still affects me in many ways. I repressed those memories until certain age and since then, it bothers me.
I don't know how to start. More than one people abused me. I don't remember who exactly they were or what did they look like. But I'm quite sure one of them was someone known by my family, and the other one was someone in kindergarten.
One of those perps used to grope me, made me touch his, you know what and did other stuff I'll talk about later. I still feel so dirty.

Your mind is not your best friend when something is bothering you! It wants you to think about it. Repression does not work. Here is what works. When the thoughts pop up in your mind......just notice them by observing them and let them be. Do not engage with them. This will take some practice. This is the most important thing to understand about your mind. You don't always get to choose your thoughts but you do get to decide if want to engage with them or not. When you engage with a certain thought, you give energy to it. You make it stronger to the point it becomes an obsession and can stay with you for decades. I cannot emphasize this enough.....do not engage. Reliving your traumatic experiences over and over leads to rumination and this is a form of engagement. This does not heal you. What occurred is in the past. You cannot change it. You have to accept it and let it go. You have to forgive the people who did this to you by opening up the jail cell of your heart and setting yourself free. The next time these disturbing thoughts enter your mind, take several deep breaths and try to relax. Follow the guidelines that I have stated above. Non engagement of these thoughts will cause them to go away on their own. You cannot make any thought go away. Non engagement is the key. Practice, practice, practice and eventually when the thoughts occur you will be able to quickly notice them without doing anything else and they will slowly remove themselves from your mind. Imagine these thoughts on leaves in a river moving with the current. You see them moving with the water until they are out of sight. You don't make the leaves disappear, the river does. So, the nonengagement is what helps the thoughts disappear on their own. You need to get involved in mindfulness and meditation activities as these forms of relaxation will help you to just notice your thoughts without getting jumbled up with them. I am recommending two books to you that are life changing.....The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Living Untethered by Michael Singer. Let these thoughts go young lady. Do not relive them anymore and you will stop feeling dirty.

 

[Friday]

Let these thoughts go young lady. Do not relive them anymore and you will stop feeling dirty.

That’s not how PTSD works.

With several other disorders & conditions “letting go” or “taking control” ACTUALLY IS HOW one defeats aspects of the condition, and various constellations of symptoms. But with PTSD? Reliving is not a voluntary or obsessive act. Rather? It’s the past not being “filed” as past, but as present, happening right here & right now. So the method is different. Instead of a conscious (series of) decision(s), it’s a processing/patterning/retraining that allows the past to BECOME remembered, instead of relived. It’s not a torturing of one’s self, but an inability to differentiate past & present. As they are both occurring… now.

 

[Sideways]

Reliving your traumatic experiences over and over leads to rumination and this is a form of engagement.

Reliving traumatic experiences is a clinical symptom set that defines PTSD. Rumination is something else entirely.

You have to forgive the people who did this to you by opening up the jail cell of your heart and setting yourself free.

Nope. You don’t have to forgive anyone to heal from PTSD, or traumatic experiences.

It’s an option some people find helpful. It’s not for helpful for everyone though. Forgiveness isn’t even relevant in a whole lot of cultures around the world.

Non engagement of these thoughts will cause them to go away on their own.

If it were that easy, it wouldn’t be an illness.

 

[Lola234]

That’s not how PTSD works.

With several other disorders & conditions “letting go” or “taking control” ACTUALLY IS HOW one defeats aspects of the condition, and various constellations of symptoms. But with PTSD? Reliving is not a voluntary or obsessive act. Rather? It’s the past not being “filed” as past, but as present, happening right here & right now. So the method is different. Instead of a conscious (series of) decision(s), it’s a processing/patterning/retraining that allows the past to BECOME remembered, instead of relived. It’s not a torturing of one’s self, but an inability to differentiate past & present. As they are both occurring… now.

Thank you so much.

Reliving traumatic experiences is a clinical symptom set that defines PTSD. Rumination is something else entirely.


Nope. You don’t have to forgive anyone to heal from PTSD, or traumatic experiences.

It’s an option some people find helpful. It’s not for helpful for everyone though. Forgiveness isn’t even relevant in a whole lot of cultures around the world.


If it were that easy, it wouldn’t be an illness.

Exactly! Thank you so much.

 

[Lola234]

My perp also used to rape me often... It was so incredibly painful. I remember crying and screaming a lot during it, yet he wouldn't stop.

 

[Lola234]

I was crying and screaming because of the huge pain he was causing me. He also used to call me a w*ore, a slut and told me that I should be ashamed of what I did and everyone would hate me for it.

 

[Lola234]

I still feel like that no one can really love me after he told me no one would ever love me because of what I did :(

 

[Friday]

I still feel like that no one can really love me after he told me no one would ever love me because of what I did :(

Trustworthy person, this guy? Someone you should really listen to?

Just because you thought you should back when? Doesn’t mean you can’t challenge it when it crops up now.

There’s some invaluable strength to be learned in:

Should I trust what he said?
No.

Even though you still do… it’s like doing pushups. One push-up? Pfft. Does jack. It’s the repetition that builds strength. ABC to XYZ times later? Instead of deep belief? Questioning. Arguing. Mild disbelief. Absolute disbelief. Laughter.

 

[Lola234]

Trustworthy person, this guy? Someone you should really listen to?

Just because you thought you should back when? Doesn’t mean you can’t challenge it when it crops up now.

There’s some invaluable strength to be learned in:

Should I trust what he said?
No.

Even though you still do… it’s like doing pushups. One push-up? Pfft. Does jack. It’s the repetition that builds strength. ABC to XYZ times later? Instead of deep belief? Questioning. Arguing. Mild disbelief. Absolute disbelief. Laughter.

Thanks for your response. I mean, I know tgat it's not true, but I feel this way... I hope I explain it well.