Feeling abandoned

[SeekingAnswers34]

Hi all,

Ive been really struggling the last few weeks. I’ve been feeling really insecure in my relationship with my T, I can feel myself pulling away from her and I feel her getting more frustrated.

I’ve been really struggling with SI and before she has sent a text to check in on me and offered to be available for me to call/text if i needed to. In my last session when having this conversation her response was that if i really wanted to do it i would and she can’t stop me. I feel like she doesn’t care, before she’s asked if she would be able to stop me and has offered to be there but she seems to just be washing her hands of it and I feel abandoned.

 

[Rose White]

It is rare to impossible for anyone to be able to stop another person from enacting self-harm of any sort, fatal or otherwise. How do you imagine that she would stop you?

 

[arfie]

hello seeking. welcome to the forum.

my initial brain fart of what you describe is what has been called, "projection" inside my own psychotherapy. when i started into psychotherapy many moons ago, i was insecure enough to expect rejection and/or abandonment from just about everyone and everything. one of my coping mechanisms was to "beat 'em to the punch" and reject before i could be rejected.

dunno if that fits your case, or knot. i mostly wanted to welcome you aboard.

 

[Movingforward10]

I wonder if this is about rescuing?

I also have struggled a lot with my T's response to this at times.

But, I wonder if what she was trying to say is that: she can't stop you, she can't rescue the situation. She can only be there to witness your pain and help you recover from it.

What do you want from her? What would help? And can you then articulate that to her?

Have you asked her why she hasn't checked in with you this time? I'm sure it isn't a sign that she doesn't care. But maybe it's her trying a different therapeutic intervention. One that doesn't land so well with you. So communicating about that will really help.

She cares.

 

[SeekingAnswers34]

It is rare to impossible for anyone to be able to stop another person from enacting self-harm of any sort, fatal or otherwise. How do you imagine that she would stop you?

It’s not that I want her to stop me, I know she can’t do that. My issue is that previously she would have been supportive and offer to be there for me to reach out to if I felt I wasn’t able to stop myself and now all she says is well I can’t stop you.

There is no offer of support like there was before.

hello seeking. welcome to the forum.

my initial brain fart of what you describe is what has been called, "projection" inside my own psychotherapy. when i started into psychotherapy many moons ago, i was insecure enough to expect rejection and/or abandonment from just about everyone and everything. one of my coping mechanisms was to "beat 'em to the punch" and reject before i could be rejected.

dunno if that fits your case, or knot. i mostly wanted to welcome you aboard.

Could very well be arfie, we’re just coming off the back of a rupture (completely my fault) and I know I’ve been (unintentionally) pulling away and I feel like she’s getting frustrated.

Thanks for the welcome

I wonder if this is about rescuing?

I also have struggled a lot with my T's response to this at times.

But, I wonder if what she was trying to say is that: she can't stop you, she can't rescue the situation. She can only be there to witness your pain and help you recover from it.

What do you want from her? What would help? And can you then articulate that to her?

Have you asked her why she hasn't checked in with you this time? I'm sure it isn't a sign that she doesn't care. But maybe it's her trying a different therapeutic intervention. One that doesn't land so well with you. So communicating about that will really help.

She cares.

Maybe, I think also she is protecting herself as I know she was really concerned before and that’s why she initiated the check in. I don’t expect her to do this and never email/text between sessions.

I wonder if this is some sort of tough love approach?

I think it’s more the change in her behaviour that upsets me, especially as it comes after a rupture (that was my fault). Her words say nothing has changed and she’s still approaching our relationship in the exact same way but her behaviour says otherwise.

I guess I want her to behave how she did before, not because I expect her to reach out but because the inconsistency makes me doubt her.

 

[Rose White]

It’s possible that she realized she had made a mistake in saying you could call her when you’re feeling SI. That is almost never done with T’s with very few exceptions because it sets up a dynamic of dependence. As much as you feel you want your T to rescue you, you would inevitably feel resentment toward her for doing so.

I know it’s uncomfortable but it’s the path out of the cycles of self-destruction. She wants to support you as you support yourself. So many of us on here have dealt with terrible SI. And as awful as it sounds, I had to call the crisis line more times than I could count, and I hung up many times when I first called. It can feel dehumanizing and frightening and infuriating to call the crisis line. But if you can do that, and then tell your T about it? Whole different ballgame! Then you are doing the work and she’s right there with you.

 

[SeekingAnswers34]

It’s possible that she realized she had made a mistake in saying you could call her when you’re feeling SI. That is almost never done with T’s with very few exceptions because it sets up a dynamic of dependence. As much as you feel you want your T to rescue you, you would inevitably feel resentment toward her for doing so.

I know it’s uncomfortable but it’s the path out of the cycles of self-destruction. She wants to support you as you support yourself. So many of us on here have dealt with terrible SI. And as awful as it sounds, I had to call the crisis line more times than I could count, and I hung up many times when I first called. It can feel dehumanizing and frightening and infuriating to call the crisis line. But if you can do that, and then tell your T about it? Whole different ballgame! Then you are doing the work and she’s right there with you.

I guess it is possible but if that’s true I just wish she would have spoken to me about it. The thing is too that although she said I could I never actually called her. It was like knowing that safety net was there was enough and I never used it. She knows that I would have to be completely desperate to do so as I never contact her between sessions, for anything. She has regularly offered for me to share session reflections via email and I don’t do it because I feel like she shouldn’t have to deal with me when she isn’t getting paid.

I’m the opposite of dependent I literally don’t ask her for anything, ever. I wouldn’t even call her if she offered it so I don’t think I’m so much upset that I can’t but that there has been a change in her behaviour. I don’t know if that makes sense.

 

[arfie]

we're just now coming off the back of a rupture (completely my fault) and I know I’ve been (unintentionally) pulling away

after fractured decades of therapy, guilt and mistrust remain two of my meanest psychodemons. if something goes wrong, it must be completely my fault, somehow. i consider it solid progress that i am getting quicker and more decisive about skipping over the self-judgement/flagellation and fast-forwarding to the solutions. fact is, i have yet to note where blame, judgement and punishment solve anything.

I guess I want her to behave how she did before, not because I expect her to reach out but because the inconsistency makes me doubt her.

in my own case, the craving for stability can work against me in the healing process. my psychoses(pl) would rather continue treading proverbial water in a sea of pain than risk change. things can ALWAYS get worse, doncha know? a healing journey requires taking a risk and stretching my comfort zone.

I’m the opposite of dependent I literally don’t ask her for anything, ever.

another ditto. i credit my trust issues for my inability to ask for and/or accept help. yet another place where i have to stretch my comfort zone to even consider the possibility of asking for help with anything.

 

[Weemie]

In my last session when having this conversation her response was that if i really wanted to do it i would and she can’t stop me.

It's regrettable that much of the messaging around SI insists that if you just reach out and talk with someone, they'll magically fix things or care about you - because usually they just fumble awkwardly and don't really know what to do.

Many people struggle with SI because of problems that could be alleviated by direct action (such as poverty or isolation), but a majority of people simply aren't in a place where they feel comfortable stepping up to the plate.

Unfortunately when it comes to self-harm and suicidal ideation most people, even (or perhaps especially) therapists, aren't equipped to directly assist. And in many ways, this is proper: a therapist cannot sit with you and hold your hand or talk you off the ledge every time, because then you would never learn how to manage your emotional distress on your own.

Self-harm and suicide are something of a binary equation. Either you'll do it, or you won't. People can't really convince you or force you not to, and neither is it appropriate for them to take responsibility for your impulses.

The way she framed this was blunt, and when compared with her previous response (an attempt to take that responsibility from you), somewhat inept. But the end result is what it is, a binary. Rather than turn the focus back to her and how she isn't managing your feelings, use her as the resource she is intended to be.

Ask her to help you find ways of coping with your distress through the day. A good stepping stone is the dialectical and skills-based portion of DBT. Marsha Linehan's book that teaches therapists how to administer these skills effectively is publicly available, as are many workbooks.

 

[Movingforward10]

Saying all this to her will really help. She can understand how you're experiencing this and she can explain her motivation. And then figure out, together, how to work through this.
Having a rupture beforehand is difficult too. You say it's completely your fault. Ruptures rarely are though. It might be us doing something or projecting something, but the T is still part of that: they didn't navigate that so that there wasn't a rupture.
I see this as linked to the rupture. It's unsettled the relationship and this is a continuation of that unsettledness.

 

[Rose White]

projecting something

Also, SI is self-abandonment, so you are likely projecting that abandonment onto T. Believe it or not, this is common and a sign of attachment (a good thing). Dealing with your feelings about it is the work you are paying her to guide you through. I agree with @Movingforward10 —lots of potential for healing by talking to her about all the stuff you wrote here.

 

[Friday]

In normal life? You can only abandon kids & pets. Everyone else? CAN take care of themselves. They might not want to, but they can.

I am not a child, nor a pet.