I am in my late 40s with a wonderful, full, interesting life and rich relationships and quite a few children ranging in age from 5-17. I also have a confusing family of origin background and a few too many ACEs.
Once I left for college life started looking up and I was able to find ways to reorient myself. It worked for the most part, but part of that was tightly compartmentalizing parts of myself that are typically only triggered by my mother or anything any experience related to her. I've spent my life helping her manage her own internal life at the expense of mine, or at least part of mine.
In the last year and a half that approach started to unravel bit by bit after my step father died. This past summer there was a dramatic shift and my defens a and compartments shattered. I was left with every PTSD symptom possible but thankfully still able to manage the basics and still write reports, show up to court, take classes, look after children, etc.
Sleep wasn't part of the deal, unfortunately. Nightmares were horrendous, panic and everything that went with it. Floods of memories and flashbacks to where it felt like decades were happening all at once. Nothing felt real, everything felt distant. I could shake it off if I was deeply involved in complicated, very present situations and the life puzzles of other people. I tried SNRI, SSRI, Seratonin modulators. They all made things worse and made me sick even at low doses. Spravato was out of reach because there's a requirement of a simultaneous antidepressant and I was too scared to try another one.
Finally ended up jumping into Ketamine infusions and the nightmares stopped immediately. The derealization largely stopped, I can eat without forcing myself, I enjoy my kids, day to I have little to no anxiety, I've been excited to host family friends again, spend time with friends. It's AMAZING.
However, I'm heartbroken about part of my life history, completely triggered by some rather bizarre experiences, involuntarily shut down related to certain topics. I feel like I have two operating systems. For a while the wrong one completely took over. Now both are more balanced but the heartbroken one is still refusing to recede and I don't know how to heal that part of me. I'm grateful for a good therapist, but it's exhausting. I'm exhausted.
Once I left for college life started looking up and I was able to find ways to reorient myself. It worked for the most part, but part of that was tightly compartmentalizing parts of myself that are typically only triggered by my mother or anything any experience related to her. I've spent my life helping her manage her own internal life at the expense of mine, or at least part of mine.
In the last year and a half that approach started to unravel bit by bit after my step father died. This past summer there was a dramatic shift and my defens a and compartments shattered. I was left with every PTSD symptom possible but thankfully still able to manage the basics and still write reports, show up to court, take classes, look after children, etc.
Sleep wasn't part of the deal, unfortunately. Nightmares were horrendous, panic and everything that went with it. Floods of memories and flashbacks to where it felt like decades were happening all at once. Nothing felt real, everything felt distant. I could shake it off if I was deeply involved in complicated, very present situations and the life puzzles of other people. I tried SNRI, SSRI, Seratonin modulators. They all made things worse and made me sick even at low doses. Spravato was out of reach because there's a requirement of a simultaneous antidepressant and I was too scared to try another one.
Finally ended up jumping into Ketamine infusions and the nightmares stopped immediately. The derealization largely stopped, I can eat without forcing myself, I enjoy my kids, day to I have little to no anxiety, I've been excited to host family friends again, spend time with friends. It's AMAZING.
However, I'm heartbroken about part of my life history, completely triggered by some rather bizarre experiences, involuntarily shut down related to certain topics. I feel like I have two operating systems. For a while the wrong one completely took over. Now both are more balanced but the heartbroken one is still refusing to recede and I don't know how to heal that part of me. I'm grateful for a good therapist, but it's exhausting. I'm exhausted.
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