I came here to say that I stayed up all night looking for a place that's suitable. I want to be out of here ASAP. Nothing is looking good yet, but I did find out that I misunderstood the payment guide (apparently a common mistake or I wouldnt have found a website dedicated to it) and that I actually supposed to be looking at a much, much lower price range to rent from. That made me feel much less hopeful, and much more stressed.
So hopefully I find something. And soon. If I don't by a certain date, I lose the voucher. The options are not looking great. I am worried.
Haven't gotten to talk about it in group therapy because everyone keeps talking about E's love life. It's been that way for so many months that I genuinely have just stopped talking about myself and I really don't think anyone has noticed. Just to be honest
I would do well as an institutionalized person, if it weren't for my 1 character trait of loving animals so much. It's the one thing I value and the only family I really have. My hope is to find a private landlord who is okay with that. I am hoping for empathy. I hope I'm lucky.
I tone it down for my best friend irl but I know deep down that if I have to separate from the animals it will be extremely difficult. As I've mentioned before, I previously planned to kill myself when Nestle passed away of old age, but I've acquired all these little guys who mean so, so much to me. Again, my family. I'm semi-feral, as the therapists say, so I guess that makes sense that I have all these attachments to cats.
I was staring at my empty shelves deciding what to eat the other night when I got the voucher and fear washed over me. I feel more unstable (in housing, safety, family) than I ever have. And, again, if I lose my family of cats, I really feel deep down that that will be the end for me. So I began to really feel that and the weird fear it caused.
In person with my bestie, I felt a little different. I managed to realize that I dont HAVE to die if I lose my family. But if I end up having to section 8 over and over and over again, will I be able to keep anyone?
Pros of losing animals would be that, again, I could be institutionalized. Or group homed. Or something.
But would I want that? All I do is love, particularly the animals I see every day. When I've been hospitalized, they're the one thing I think about. If they were gone, I'd be a husk. I've had them (animals) for 30 years. I am 30.
When I've planned suicides in the past, I have thought about where I would send my animals. It is hard to find great owners.
I just can't shake the worry that I might be entering the beginning of the end for me. In some way or another. I've never been afraid of death. I'm just afraid of what will happen to my best friend, or stuff like that. And angry that people want me alive, in a way.
The instinct to survive is strong. But it is very, very difficult. Especially in a world that does not see you as a human being. Or even an animal worthy of respect.
Not that the "world" is most people. But what do most people's thoughts matter when you can't get your basic needs met, or your needs aren't valued as important.
I'm so happy Nestle has survived this long, and I haven't adopted another dog yet. I was planning to when I found housing. I am tired of lowering my standards for life every single year of my life. I miss when it felt like I would be normal one day.
Not to be dramatic.
