After 3 years I had a nightmare about my abusive ex

[ScarletSunrise]

I was abused during most of my childhood. It left me hyper independent and when I was 17 a highschool friend of mine who was already graduated visited our highschool when he finished boot camp in the army. We started hanging out and became friends and then dated. We even got engaged shortly after, but I never wanted to really plan a wedding since I was so young. During our two year relationship he became more and more abusive. He would manipulate me, gaslight me, and physically/emotionally abuse me. I left him but after kicking him out he broke my back door and really hurt me. But thankfully I never saw him again since I moved to a new town shortly after at the age of 19.

I’ve been to therapy but for the next three years had really bad nightmares and would wake up screaming. I went to a treatment center for help and got on medication for depression, anxiety and to stop my night terrors.

I moved to Seattle when I was 21 going to university. At this time I spent years working on myself and going to therapy. I met my amazing current boyfriend and we even went to therapy together to better understand each other and learn healthy ways to communicate better. We have been dating for two years and it’s been amazing.

But last night he left for a weekend trip, I am 24 now. I had the worse dream last night:

I dreamed that my abusive ex was back, he found us in our new house that my current boyfriend and I just started to rent together. He attacked my boyfriend and was punching him and chocking him. The neighbor called 911 but they never showed. But I was able to get him off my boyfriend and we ran and locked ourselves inside. Then a huge amount of time passed. I was outside at night and my abusive ex showed up again. I asked him, “did you ever care about me or love me?” He said “no”, in his monotone tone of voice and I realized that it was the truth. He was just using me. Then he tried to threaten that he would kill my boyfriend and I ran inside and locked the door to protect me and my boyfriend. My abusive ex was outside trying to get in to harm us. I called 911 and heard them on the line saying “they would send help, and that abuse is never okay.” The I woke up really distressed after looking out the window on the door and seeing the face of my abusive ex looking right at me with sirens in the background.

I woke up and called my boyfriend but he wasn’t available yet. I feel so confused why I’m having these dreams again. I thought I got over him and in therapy have been focusing on my childhood trauma and abuse. I feel so sick and alone. Scared that the dream might come true and he might be back to hurt me and ruin my relationships again. Has anyone else have similar? Thinking that you’re healed and over an abusive relationship and then the bad dreams start to happen again.

 

[Movingforward10]

That can happen.

What my T reminded me is that: it doesn't need to be the same as last time.
In that, all the healing and growth you have done is still there. This nightmare doesn't mean they are going to continue.
Using your skills for grounding, self soothing, counter messages for the fearful ones etc, will help to get back to an internal place of feelings safe.

Sometimes therapy can stirr up unexpected things.

Remembering you are safe and this dream is a dream. There is nothing that has happened to indicate the dream is anything other than that.

 

[ScarletSunrise]

That can happen.

What my T reminded me is that: it doesn't need to be the same as last time.
In that, all the healing and growth you have done is still there. This nightmare doesn't mean they are going to continue.
Using your skills for grounding, self soothing, counter messages for the fearful ones etc, will help to get back to an internal place of feelings safe.

Sometimes therapy can stirr up unexpected things.

Remembering you are safe and this dream is a dream. There is nothing that has happened to indicate the dream is anything other than that.

Thank you! You’re right. I have come a long way and having a bad dream again doesn’t negate all of my healing I’ve done. It was jarring but I know skills to help calm myself.
I have my therapy next week so I can journal about this and talk about it with my therapist.

 

[Friday]

Has anyone else have similar? Thinking that you’re healed and over an abusive relationship and then the bad dreams start to happen again.

For sure.

Tends to happen during times like with what you had going on… a boyfriend gone you actually miss, so zeh brain Rubix Cubes, a boyfriend you don’t miss, coming back. Or being thrilled to have some time for yourself, & equally happy about your partner’s trip (family wedding, an award ceremony, a training they’ve been lobbying form whatever) and up dredges the same in nightmare mode; thrilled the man is gone, because it’s the only time you feel safe.

All damn kinds of Alice in the Looking glass parallels the sleeping mind makes.

It’s a different kind of processing…. Doesn’t mean you’re not past it, on the contrary, some parallels can only be drawn once a person IS no longer on the hook; no longer plagued with doubts, regrets, fears; in pain, in hope, and shattered.

With new perspectives? New beliefs? Come new dreams. And new nightmares.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

It's all pretty reasonable to have such dreams and problems, especially after changes in your life.

Maybe you can do something to make yourself more secure, to feel safer and ensure the past can never repeat itself.

No harm in improving security, not only will you actually be safer but it can help reassure you if you ever have more nightmares.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I had similar dreams about my abuser tracking me down and starting to become verbally abusive towards me again. I typically told her off in these dreams and in one she actually hit me and I turned the table on her and hit her back and to,d her that was just a warning shot and that she’d better not hit me ever again. I know that these were dreams and tha5 my abuser couldn’t hurt me if she didn’t know where I had moved to and I just let them be dreams. I think it was my brain’s way of coping with the abuse and saying what it had wanted to say to her for years. Ever since my abuser died back in February, I’ve had far less dreams about her being abusive towards me.