Relationship I (c-ptsd) have just started dating someone who also has ptsd and I'm not sure if it's over

[Tinylittletacotoes]

Hi,

It's my first time using this forum so I hope I'm following the rules. I (female) matched with another woman on Bumble back in February. We immediately hit it off more than I have with anyone in years, but each time we arranged a date she cancelled due to work stress. I told her to reach out when she felt she had to bandwidth for meeting up and I never heard back. Cut to July, mum died suddenly the month before, I was back from a weekend break to clear my head and saw her profile again so thought "why not". We re-matched immediately and she was really happy to hear from me.

What followed was an amazing 3-week connection after initially facetiming for 3 hours as I was out of town. Everything felt incredibly right - we both felt unmasked as we are both neurodivergrent, talked about future timelines, met each other's emotional needs and asked how we both wanted to show up for each other when stressful things came up. Then on the final date I had said due to my past I wanted exclusivity once we got to the stage of intimacy, and she freaked out a bit. She thought I meant I wanted a relationship, so I clarified, then she seemed happy and said she chooses me and is emotionally invested in this. I got home feeling like something was off, her work is stressful right now, her abusive ex was stalking her earlier in the year but it seems like perhaps that is mostly resolved. She kept saying "if I get too much please leave" and "please don't hurt me", a pattern I recognised in myself from previous abusive partners so I reassured her I would always go at a pace she's comfortable with.

Then came the voicenote the next day, she said she didn't know what to do but I reminded her of her abusive ex "but I don't know why" and that it was "nothing I'd done" but she's feeling really vulnerable and that she now views monogamy as a trap even though she's monogamous but this other person clearly weaponised that as a manipulation tactic. I asked if that meant she didn't want to talk to me and she said "I think so" then we got to the crux of it that she needed time to "sort herself out" and didn't want to "contaminate me by associating me with her ex" but didn't know if that would take weeks, months, or ever.

For reference she's had lots of therapy, as have I, and also EMDR. She'd even mentioned getting a top up another time before all this spiralled.

I really *really* like her, she said she really really likes me and hates that trauma is doing this to her. We both agreed we've never felt this way, and that we feel fizzy and giddy like teenagers and she also said she hadn't anticipated this year being when she meets someone "she could fall in love with". I know words are words, but I know they were genuine. I'm absolutely not going to mess this up by violating her boundaries reaching out to her, even though I'm in knots because she had an important hearing today and prior to the call I asked her how she wanted me to show up for her, and I just want to know that she got through it OK - I guess I have to just trust that she has. I think both of us having similar experiences is a blessing but also difficult, but my wounds are much older and mostly healed.

I know the question is "do you want to wait around forever", and as this only happened a few days ago and she's the first person I've fallen for in over 15 years, yes, I want to wait for quite some time. She told me she hoped I 'dated amazing people' but I know that was a self-sacrifice tactic. I'm demisexual and don't function like that.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Welcome, sorry for what brings you here, that sounds difficult and maybe someone with more experience can help more.

I have never been in that situation before, although have made plenty of mistakes. Maybe think of it how you would have in the past? What would have worked for you?

First thought is some time and distance from the moment woukd be a good idea, give her some time to process things, see how she feels and come to her own conclusion. Seeing as she had a stalker situation contact right now might worsen the feeling or connection she made.

 

[Friday]

Speaking as someone with PTSD who has -almost exclusively- dated others with PTSD?

1. When it’s over? It’s over. ZERO good reason. Simply done.
2. Refusing to accept/honor/respect someone else’s wishes? (Mine/Theirs) SOMETIMES means it’s not over… yet. No sane person does this shit. People with PTSD do it almost as a rule.
3. You know the old joke ..”What does a lesbian bring to a 2nd date?” // “A moving van.” goes about x10,000 when PTSD is in play. The all or nothing gets reeeeeally serious.

Can you get her back? Maybe. Maybe not. Depends where her head is at, and how far you’re willing to go.

If you DO get her back? This is the risk of dating someone like you. All or nothing. Gets intense. Fast.

 

[Tinylittletacotoes]

Speaking as someone with PTSD who has -almost exclusively- dated others with PTSD?

1. When it’s over? It’s over. ZERO good reason. Simply done.
2. Refusing to accept/honor/respect someone else’s wishes? (Mine/Theirs) SOMETIMES means it’s not over… yet. No sane person does this shit. People with PTSD do it almost as a rule.
3. You know the old joke ..”What does a lesbian bring to a 2nd date?” // “A moving van.” goes about x10,000 when PTSD is in play. The all or nothing gets reeeeeally serious.

Can you get her back? Maybe. Maybe not. Depends where her head is at, and how far you’re willing to go.

If you DO get her back? This is the risk of dating someone like you. All or nothing. Gets intense. Fast.

I'm not refusing to honour her wishes though. I'm not going to push any boundaries or instigate anything - she needs to do that for herself, which taps into my ADHD brain of uncertainty and tension but that's for me to accept. I've done so much therapy that I don't feel like I get intense with everyone, I think I've just become much more discerning about people and when I met her we just matched each others energy and enthusiasm so I didn't feel like I had to hide parts of myself.

 

[Friday]

I'm not refusing to honour her wishes though.

So you’re not going to fight for her? She says no… and you’re walking?

 

[Tinylittletacotoes]

So you’re not going to fight for her? She says no… and you’re walking?

I don't think that's fair. She specifically said she needed to separate me from the crap from her past for there to be any chance- a past where people systematically trampled on her boundaries and emotionally blackmailed her to stay. That's just unhealthy to think "oh but if I just...".

I did message her yesterday just to say I hoped her work stuff went ok and that's she's ok, and she responded that she really appreciated me checking in and asked how I was but it was much more restrained than our usual messages and she didn't respond to my second text. I'm glad I was able to show care and that she could receive it, but her healing journey is her own and I can't dictate how long that will take if ever with regards to me. I really want it to work out, I really do, but it feels like if I did it any differently I'd be going backwards in my own healing journey where mutual communication, trust, and love are needed to feel safe.

Of course, I'm sitting here constantly thinking I'm doing everything wrong but hey that's life!

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Sounds like.you have done all you can to me, and I dont think you are wrong.

 

[Susan Jane]

Hi,

It's my first time using this forum so I hope I'm following the rules. I (female) matched with another woman on Bumble back in February. We immediately hit it off more than I have with anyone in years, but each time we arranged a date she cancelled due to work stress. I told her to reach out when she felt she had to bandwidth for meeting up and I never heard back. Cut to July, mum died suddenly the month before, I was back from a weekend break to clear my head and saw her profile again so thought "why not". We re-matched immediately and she was really happy to hear from me.

What followed was an amazing 3-week connection after initially facetiming for 3 hours as I was out of town. Everything felt incredibly right - we both felt unmasked as we are both neurodivergrent, talked about future timelines, met each other's emotional needs and asked how we both wanted to show up for each other when stressful things came up. Then on the final date I had said due to my past I wanted exclusivity once we got to the stage of intimacy, and she freaked out a bit. She thought I meant I wanted a relationship, so I clarified, then she seemed happy and said she chooses me and is emotionally invested in this. I got home feeling like something was off, her work is stressful right now, her abusive ex was stalking her earlier in the year but it seems like perhaps that is mostly resolved. She kept saying "if I get too much please leave" and "please don't hurt me", a pattern I recognised in myself from previous abusive partners so I reassured her I would always go at a pace she's comfortable with.

Then came the voicenote the next day, she said she didn't know what to do but I reminded her of her abusive ex "but I don't know why" and that it was "nothing I'd done" but she's feeling really vulnerable and that she now views monogamy as a trap even though she's monogamous but this other person clearly weaponised that as a manipulation tactic. I asked if that meant she didn't want to talk to me and she said "I think so" then we got to the crux of it that she needed time to "sort herself out" and didn't want to "contaminate me by associating me with her ex" but didn't know if that would take weeks, months, or ever.

For reference she's had lots of therapy, as have I, and also EMDR. She'd even mentioned getting a top up another time before all this spiralled.

I really *really* like her, she said she really really likes me and hates that trauma is doing this to her. We both agreed we've never felt this way, and that we feel fizzy and giddy like teenagers and she also said she hadn't anticipated this year being when she meets someone "she could fall in love with". I know words are words, but I know they were genuine. I'm absolutely not going to mess this up by violating her boundaries reaching out to her, even though I'm in knots because she had an important hearing today and prior to the call I asked her how she wanted me to show up for her, and I just want to know that she got through it OK - I guess I have to just trust that she has. I think both of us having similar experiences is a blessing but also difficult, but my wounds are much older and mostly healed.

I know the question is "do you want to wait around forever", and as this only happened a few days ago and she's the first person I've fallen for in over 15 years, yes, I want to wait for quite some time. She told me she hoped I 'dated amazing people' but I know that was a self-sacrifice tactic. I'm demisexual and don't function like that.

Sounds like too much too soon. It is a pattern for many people, not only with PTSD but people who feel uncomfortable being without a partner…yes I get it too, I spent most of my life wanting someone to get me, love me and be there. What I failed to see is how many people were there, maybe not romantically but close friends. I failed to see the love and kindness because I didn’t believe I deserved it. I have been alone for about 15 years, dated yes but alone. I frankly don’t believe that anyone will ever really get me and that is okay, because I get me. I am open but not concerned about finding someone… It will happen when it happens. I believe the odds stay in favor of an open but I also see the red flags when the wrong person is interesting… I know this from my own patterns. For me anything overly complicated is a red flag. Thinking too much about someone I hardly know is a red flag. I believe that friendship and relationships take time, and care. I do not think that can happen in a few weeks/months. That is lust and the need to be lived. This is only my experience and my opinion… Unfortunately I have a lot at the age of 59… welcome to the forum and look after your needs… .

 

[Friday]

I don't think that's fair.

Option A : You respect her boundaries, and walk away.
Option B : You disrespect her boundaries, and fight for her.
Options C-Z : variations of the above.

I’m not seeing the fairness involved, in either/any decision. Choices, yes. Fairness? Maybe you define fair differently than I do.

it feels like if I did it any differently I'd be going backwards in my own healing journey where mutual communication, trust, and love are needed to feel safe.

That is a far more important question than fair. What is RIGHT for you?

An easy trick, is to ask yourself… if the option tomorrow morning was GONE, zero choice available to you (she died in a car crash, or enlisted & was shipped out, or got sucked into WitSec, kind of thing); would you be relieved, or heartbroken/regretful? Both answers are equally valid. Neither answer is right/wrong.