Dealing with the narcissist discard

[Ocean147]

My narcissist female relative doesn't even share when she goes to hang out with the male naracisst relative and his girlfriend. I feel extremely left out and lonely when this happens. It's painful man. She doesn't bother to say "Good-bye." just leaves, like I don't matter. But I know I do matter. So, I promised myself that I'm no longer asking what she did the other night when I get emotionally discarded like that. The worst part is the heavy depression that I feel returning back to an empty house. I cry so hard and just feel empty. I am definitely taking my friend's advice and one, going to more places without either of them, and two making more friends. I'm so sick of this.

 

[Friday]

I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of person 1, seeing person 2, without consulting/informing you as being personal/hurtful/insulting/abandoning/etc. Don’t get me wrong, it can happen, I’m just not understanding the context.

What is it that makes what they do, where they go, who they see, etc…. So brutally painful for you, not to be informed?

Are they your child, your lover, your employee? Someone who is obligated to you in a different way? What makes what they do, in their own time, your business?

Person A saw Person B & I’m (Person C) DEVASTATED… has a whole lot of possible context that explains that. I’m just not reading any? One relative visits another relative & their romantic partner & doesn’t tell you… doesn’t tell ME why you give a f*ck, are thrilled by it, are hurt by it, anything. So what’s up? Why do they own you an explanation, or permission, or apology, or whatever?

 

[arfie]

the name calling makes me think you don't even like the two people in question.

seems like that oughta make it easy to take your friend's advice. it's good advice.

 

[Ocean147]

I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of person 1, seeing person 2, without consulting/informing you as being personal/hurtful/insulting/abandoning/etc. Don’t get me wrong, it can happen, I’m just not understanding the context.

What is it that makes what they do, where they go, who they see, etc…. So brutally painful for you, not to be informed?

Are they your child, your lover, your employee? Someone who is obligated to you in a different way? What makes what they do, in their own time, your business?

Person A saw Person B & I’m (Person C) DEVASTATED… has a whole lot of possible context that explains that. I’m just not reading any? One relative visits another relative & their romantic partner & doesn’t tell you… doesn’t tell ME why you give a f*ck, are thrilled by it, are hurt by it, anything. So what’s up? Why do they own you an explanation, or permission, or apology, or whatever?

Because they used to spend time with me always. They're my family. Now, they are acting like they don't care about my feelings and treating me like a scapegoat. That's what makes it so painful. I hope that clarifies things. But I totally get what you are saying.

 

[Movingforward10]

On the face of it, if people spend time together without you, then that can be upsetting but it is also perfectly ok for them to do. They aren't doing anything wrong.

But when you're dealing with a narcissist, the intentions behind their behaviour can be very different. I.e purposefulness in leaving you out, to try and get reactions from you, or a form of control.

Either scenario , however, requires the same from us. We can't change other people. We can't change their behaviour. We have to learn to accept them for who they are and learn to accept our emotional responses and manage them.
Not giving them the power to impact our feelings.

Relying on narcissists for fulfilling relationships is only ever going to end in heartbreak, and poor mental health.
Your friends advice is really good.
Build up your social network and build up your sense of self to help combat the loneliness and the reliance on these two relatives.

Wishing you well with it.

 

[Ocean147]

Thank you everyone. I know my worth and who to direct my time and energy too. Also, I should try to visit more of my favorite coffee shops and read, write, and just enjoy the bit of peace from that.

 

[Friday]

Because they used to spend time with me always. They're my family. Now, they are acting like they don't care about my feelings and treating me like a scapegoat. That's what makes it so painful. I hope that clarifies things. But I totally get what you are saying.

Okay… so it seems like a deliberate action on their part; to manipulate further codependence, and focusing in on them, and how much you NEED to be with them, thinking of them, bereft without them? Jealous of any time someone else has with them? Them, them, them, your central and guiding star, lost without them?

Reverse the script.

They deliberately THUNK you into “You’ll MISS ME when I’m gone!”???

Go REVEL in the time free of them. Do things you’ve always wanted to do, but have needed “an excuse, a reason, it’s not the right time, etc.”. Go thrill yourself down to your fingertips in all kinds of fun and amazing, and relaxed and chill, and whatever the f*ck you feel like, when you feel like, for as long as you feel like.

Easier said, that done, until one day a switch just flips all Labyrinth-style “You have no power over me.” -or- years of resolute practice build up sea walls, & safe harbors (that will STILL flood, sometimes, but can usually be relied upon).