DID DID and the struggle of suicidal ideation

[Punky143]

My system contains 15+ parts who are all very different. That being said, I have at least one part who is the leader and is the one whose been telling us it's time to go followed by the detailed method that spins in our head over and over. My life feels upside down. A failing marriage of ,23 years and we're the ones that feel this way. Simply having a conversation turns into being lectured "only trying to help" he says. He operates with a problem solution process. We don't because not everything needs to have a solution right then and there. We're sad for him and never thought we'd come to this point. Sad for our grown child who deserved a family that functioned together and not apart.
This is just a brief summary of what's going on. Because of it and the unbearable pain I will bring to others we hate ourselves and more often than not want to leave and be at peace. We don't know what we're saying right now but we're feeling pretty low right now, possibly the deepest low ever.

 

[Teamwork]

Having been there and going through a divorce and living outside of an unhelpful marriage union, I’ve come to realize that all those thoughts were from needing to leave the marriage and the life it was as opposed to leaving life altogether. That shift took time. Parts that desire freedom from this life need to be reminded or asked, what do you actually need to leave? Where has your hope for a good life been dashed and how can we together foster new hope and growth.

 

[Muttly]

I don't have much useful to say. I have experienced strong suicidal ideation and had a part that had all the plans. It's a tough place to be in. Please keep talking to each other inside (as much as possible) and reaching out for support. It sounds like a really hard time.

 

[Punky143]

I don't have much useful to say. I have experienced strong suicidal ideation and had a part that had all the plans. It's a tough place to be in. Please keep talking to each other inside (as much as possible) and reaching out for support. It sounds like a really hard time.

The problem is, all but two parts have been distant like they left me, all alone. The other two parts fuel the desire to go away, forever. Lately, when I feel extremely low my one thing - the effect it will have on my kid seemingly fades and it's very scary when it happens. I don't know who I am anymore but I do know something - I caused all of it.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

We are so sorry you feel this way. We have been there before; not quite your situation, but the difficulty of parts wanting to die when not all of us did.

I think a good philosophy with this is that all parts need to agree, and the fact that you are writing here makes it clear that not all of you wants to die.

Sending light.