Do I have to be angry?

[PlainJane]

I will shut this one down now. Anger is there. Anger is real. Anger is often present. Anger sits in us. Anger exists and has purpose.

Just checking to be sure I’m on the same page. What I meant is I don’t feel anger at all toward my trauma or the people. Sadness, grief and other things? Yes. Are you saying you think that there is anger where my trauma is? I can get on board with it, but looking for clarification.

I want to know the opposite. I want to know if all the other stuff can exist without anger? Especially where anger usually is?

 

[anthony]

Sorry, not saying there is anger where there are other things. Yes, all the other stuff can exist without anger. Anger is a response... some people will respond with anger, some sadness, depression, anxiety, etc etc. The response can be vast, anger is just one option. Obviously multiple responses can exist.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Access as in the neuropathways for this hadn't been solidified or defned yet? Or access because the brain said it was unsafe or unusable?

Not fully sure about neuropathways/brain development - perhaps a component of the whole that contributed to the mental damage? But more so with this piece of my life that anger was unsafe and resulted in further harm. Truly, if any emotion was shown.
The difference in my case is that later as an adult - I have experienced situations where in a professional capacity the life of others and myself were in danger….those memories do evoke anger.

may have tangled this up even further. I took "differentiating between a feeling and a behaviour" as something I need to practice in order for anger to be accessable, maybe? For example, when I get heated, and my initial thought is "shit, cool down before you do something stupid and/or violent." In my boulder brain, anger=violence. Violence is bad news bears.

I have this trouble as well. So I find this thread very helpful to not sit alone with it. No real wisdom but thanks for your curiosity on anger.

Why? Why is someone angry? Why does a person feel anger? What is anger? Can anger exist without an underlying emotion?

Yes. And also, realizing the same is true for - Why is someone not angry? Why doesn’t a person feel anger? If anger isn’t identified, how can underlying emotions be dealt with?

And….being curious as well. Which do you explore first if you can identify them - the anger or the underlying emotions?

 

[PlainJane]

Not fully sure about neuropathways/brain development - perhaps a component of the whole that contributed to the mental damage? But more so with this piece of my life that anger was unsafe and resulted in further harm. Truly, if any emotion was shown.
The difference in my case is that later as an adult - I have experienced situations where in a professional capacity the life of others and myself were in danger….those memories do evoke anger.

Got it! I assume this is what my therapist deals with and is looking to see if I experience it like this.

Why is someone not angry? Why doesn’t a person feel anger? If anger isn’t identified, how can underlying emotions be dealt with?

This is a rabbit hole question. It's so very interesting to think about how we experience our realities and about how others do the same. How do I replicate/prevent their process and/or results?

anger or the underlying emotions?

Probably depends on all kinds of nuanced information and variables. My gut? Underlying emotions first, get to the root not the symptom. Unless, the anger is putting me or someone in immediate danger, then work on that for immediate relief, then underlying emotion.

 

[Friday]

The response can be vast, anger is just one option

This.

Also? Anger -or any/every other emotion- can surface or appear … after what is more pressing is dealt with.

Doesn’t mean anything IS buried, nor will rush to fill the empty space. Just that if/when? That happens. Or not. Just another possibility to not sweat.

Clear as mud?

 

[ags1]

I can feel irritation or annoyance on a moral or practical level, but don't get angry when I am being used or my boundaries are being crossed. Mostly my response is to try to be helpful. Afterwards I logically recognize I should have been angry, and that makes me feel real grief - but no anger. If other people notice my lack of a defensive response, I feel deep shame.

 

[Torch]

I can feel irritation or annoyance on a moral or practical level, but don't get angry when I am being used or my boundaries are being crossed. Mostly my response is to try to be helpful. Afterwards I logically recognize I should have been angry, and that makes me feel real grief - but no anger. If other people notice my lack of a defensive response, I feel deep shame.

I used to feel that way when I was on antipsychotics. That medication dulled most of my emotions so much that I rarely had access to them. I find that having full access to my emotions, while at times difficult, is much preferred to having little to no access to them. Ironically, this medication got in my way of my healing journey because of the way they blocked my emotions... Like you mention, not being able to feel anger when your boundaries are being crossed or when you're being used causes serious problems and can get in the way of healing.
They really kept me trapped in that 'doing my best to be helpful' and 'having no access to most emotions other than shame' loop. Really set me back for years. Had to put in a lot of work to convince my psych provider that I didn't need the anti-psychotics, which is incredibly difficult in the first place from a structural standpoint, in addition to how disconnected from myself I was due to having nearly no access to my emotions.

 

[shimmerz]

As an infant, kleenex was shoved in my mouth for crying. I have a difficult time with anger as well.
So many things could have happened to anyone of us who doesn't feel anger. From my pov, there are many opportunities for parents to make a compelling case for us to shut down our sense of anger, justifiable or not. I try to connect with the anger I feel on behalf of others and ask myself - how would it feel to me if I felt like that for myself. I hit a brick wall.

Some things are better left let alone. That's where I have left it for myself.

 

[Rose White]

In my session today I connected shame with anger instead of with sadness. Uncomfortable but might be important. Anger directed outward (toward the therapist in this case ).

Anger is the forbidden emotion for me, yet the one that is often simmering underneath and typically cannibalized.

Am able to see this currently from an observer perspective. That feels helpful. I definitely felt the anger. And didn’t like the feeling. And scrolled for hours afterward.

It is uncomfortable stuff. I prefer to avoid anger, but there it was today. It was both directed inward and outward, now that I think of it.

Does anger typically have both an inward and outward direction?

 

[RVA21]

In my session today I connected shame with anger instead of with sadness. Uncomfortable but might be important. Anger directed outward (toward the therapist in this case ).

Anger is the forbidden emotion for me, yet the one that is often simmering underneath and typically cannibalized.

Am able to see this currently from an observer perspective. That feels helpful. I definitely felt the anger. And didn’t like the feeling. And scrolled for hours afterward.

It is uncomfortable stuff. I prefer to avoid anger, but there it was today. It was both directed inward and outward, now that I think of it.

Does anger typically have both an inward and outward direction?

Yes, anger often has both inward and outward components.

 

[Freddyt]

Does anger typically have both an inward and outward direction?

Is the inward part anger from frustration?

 

[Ecdysis]

I think the inward thing is more often self-blame.

Because, for example, blaming the perp is too dangerous because it could lead to more violence.

So, self-blame is the "safer" option.