Would cutting off my family be realistic?

[Luna_Moth]

To make a long story short, I grew up with religious narcissists for parents. My mother has manipulated me my entire life and it’s been only recently that I found out I’ve had PTSD since I was 3 or 4 and developed C-PTSD at 5. When I was 28, I got retraumatized by someone simply from being triggered by them. It brought back all of the body memories and emotional flashbacks that I’ve buried all these years, yet I had no visual memories. A few years before that, my mother accused me of having false memories after I pointed out her manipulations. I’ve also come to find out that I was put through Somatic therapy as a child, but they denied I had any trauma.

I’m partially disabled due to my autism, and rely on them financially for a few things. Only now I’m starting to think I should really cut them off for good if I want to get better. I’m thinking of getting another job to pay my way for my health issues and my college, even though it might be hard.

I have a friend who has cut off her parents for being pedophiles and she is staying with me as she has nowhere else to go. We’re thinking of becoming roommates and of moving to a two bedroom apartment once she saves enough money.

I want to get a second job to pay for health issues and to take 1 college class a semester to see how I do.

My main concern is that I’m preparing for EMDR and I’m not sure if working 50 to 60 hours a week while attending school is doable, because I’ve read that you need a lot of time to recuperate after a session. At the same time, I don’t know if I can truly heal if I’m in touch with those that I suspect might have abused me at the preverbal stage. I question if I was sexually abused by someone and I hope they’re not my parents, but regardless the toxicity between our relationship is not helping my mental health at all.

I really feel lost at what to do and would like some input from other survivors who decided to go no contact with their family.

 

[Sideways]

Prioritise your goals.

Absolutely it’s possible to go no contact with family. And establishing healthy boundaries are typically part of the first stage of recovery, establishing safety and stability, before the next stage of recovery should start (otherwise you’re trying to run uphill in a car heading downhill).

Having all these goals for yourself is awesome. And you don’t need to sacrifice any of them. But you may need to compromise on your time frames and prioritise in order for these goals to be achievable and sustainable.

 

[Survivor3]

Going, or "saying" "I'll go no contact" can be quite a black and white all or nothing statement. First and foremost I'm really glad you and your friend are looking after each other to the point of making plans. Is it possible to say your going to really limit the amount of contact you have with your family, so you can focus on your life?

 

[HomelessJoe]

I'm sorry your family hasn't been emotionally supportive of your transition through your trauma. It can be hard enough to even have the conversation with family let alone them denying it ever happened. I can't speak for your family. But they may not want to believe it. More than them not believing it. I hope you and your family can work towards some common ground and stay in touch. But I don't blame you for wanting to focus on yourself gain independence. I hope everything works out you.

 

[Luna_Moth]

Prioritise your goals.

Absolutely it’s possible to go no contact with family. And establishing healthy boundaries are typically part of the first stage of recovery, establishing safety and stability, before the next stage of recovery should start (otherwise you’re trying to run uphill in a car heading downhill).

I’ve come to this realization after being retraumatized a year and a half ago, and I’m starting to wonder if part of establishing safety and stability is to let my family go.

Last year, when I was regressing, my dad called and my mom was in the background. It felt like she was trying to dictate what my father would say to me after I was open to him about trauma stemming from toddlerhood. It has caused me to age regress so bad to the point where I would hide in my bedroom with my stuffy and would have to watch Pingu in order to calm myself down. It was like I was back to being a terrified toddler/preschooler and I do not want to open that can of worms again. I feel like EMDR WILL open it and dunk it all out, so I feel like I have to be really careful if I’m going to be on that journey.

My grandmother also triggered me by saying she doesn’t believe I have trauma, which is why I cut her off. My parents told me that she was telling truth and that I need to get back in touch with her because that’s what families do. That caused me to spiral these past two weeks and I feel like I’m back to my old bad habits and it’s been getting really hard to apply my coping skills, and I need that in order to be ready for EMDR.

So it’s not like I thought of this on a whim, I thought long and hard about this for years, but it wasn’t until a little over a year ago that I’m starting to question if I should really cut them off for good.

Having all these goals for yourself is awesome. And you don’t need to sacrifice any of them. But you may need to compromise on your time frames and prioritise in order for these goals to be achievable and sustainable.

That’s the problem. It’s hard for me to compromise my time if I get triggered into dissociating.

 

[Luna_Moth]

Going, or "saying" "I'll go no contact" can be quite a black and white all or nothing statement.

This isn’t something I’ve decided after a few bad spats with my family. I’ve been debating this for the past five years after I was accused of having false memories.

Is it possible to say your going to really limit the amount of contact you have with your family, so you can focus on your life?

I’m already Low-Contact and am starting to come to the conclusion that that is not enough.

 

[Luna_Moth]

I hope you and your family can work towards some common ground and stay in touch.

There is no “common ground” in my family. My mother is a master manipulator who has made it her life goal to have me question my reality. Sorry, but why should I find common ground with someone who acts so suspicious and doesn’t care about my mental wellbeing? She’s more concerned with protecting herself and her husband, which is kind of f*cked up if your child went through trauma at such a young age. I’m not going to keep the middle ground if that involves sacrificing my wellbeing for their selfishness or shady behavior.

 

[shimmerz]

I’m partially disabled due to my autism, and rely on them financially for a few things. Only now I’m starting to think I should really cut them off for good if I want to get better. I’m thinking of getting another job to pay my way for my health issues and my college, even though it might be hard.. My main concern is that I’m preparing for EMDR and I’m not sure if working 50 to 60 hours a week while attending school is doable, because I’ve read that you need a lot of time to recuperate after a session.

Autism on top of 50-60 hours on top of school + trauma processing? Full stop NO. That is way too much! Have you worked with a therapist on regulation? Sounds like your foot is on the pedal hard and that will be very difficult to sustain.

At the same time, I don’t know if I can truly heal if I’m in touch with those that I suspect might have abused me at the preverbal stage.

Suspect they have abused you? So you don't know? This is a massive stand to take against people who are supporting you if you are not even certain if they have abused you.

Please forgive. I have had a horrible time through my truama processing. It is not for the faint of heart. If you don't even know if you were abused why are you doing EMDR?

 

[Luna_Moth]

Suspect they have abused you? So you don't know? This is a massive stand to take against people who are supporting you if you are not even certain if they have abused you.

They’ve abuse me in other ways, I just don’t know what transpired it all because I was too young to remember.

Please forgive. I have had a horrible time through my truama processing. It is not for the faint of heart. If you don't even know if you were abused why are you doing EMDR?

Well as I’ve already said in my original post, I’ve had PTSD since I was 4. I was just too little I guess to retain specific memories. I did mention that I had flashbacks did I not? Plus I was put through somatic therapy as a small child. So why would I be put through that if I didn’t have trauma of some sort?

 

[Sideways]

It’s hard for me to compromise my time if I get triggered into dissociating.

I think you missed my point - for example, you could hold off with study.

Financial independence probably can’t wait if you’re planning to cut out the people who support you financially.

EMDR may as well wait. Because you’re not currently able to manage your triggers.

Prioritise:)

Plus I was put through somatic therapy as a small child. So why would I be put through that if I didn’t have trauma of some sort?

Just FYI - somatic therapy has a range of uses. It’s primarily used for stress-related conditions (and, there’s a lot of stress-related conditions), but is used as widely as autism.

 

[shimmerz]

I’ve had PTSD since I was 3 or 4 and developed C-PTSD at 5.

I have never heard of this sequence. I am not doubting you are traumatizied - that is not what I am trying to get to. I am suggesting that you think before you set yourself up for loads of responsibility during a time that - if you decide to dig into the trauma - will not support your need for such commitment from you.

People can have trauma without their parents giving it to them.

for example, you could hold off with study.

Financial independence probably can’t wait if you’re planning to cut out the people who support you financially.

EMDR may as well wait. Because you’re not currently able to manage your triggers.

Yes.

 

[Luna_Moth]

Just FYI - somatic therapy has a range of uses. It’s primarily used for stress-related conditions (and, there’s a lot of stress-related conditions), but is used as widely as autism.

That’s the thing though, this was before I was diagnosed with autism. Somatic therapy was given to me during those times, but I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 8 and then again at the age of 13.

I think what bugs me is that people blame it on the autism for my stress, but I know plenty of autistic people without PTSD even though it can exacerbate symptoms. Yes, autism can cause you stress, but not to the extent that I have it.

Plus, the somatic therapy was during the late 90’s when people weren’t as informed about Autism as they are now, especially when it comes to girls.

I just feel like I have to constantly prove myself that it’s not just autism that’s the cause of my stress, because it’s been used as a scapegoat for a lot of things.

“I couldn’t help it, you were a complicated child” was always an excuse given to me by my parents.

My brother for instance has severe autism but he doesn’t nearly show the signs of childhood stress that I have shown.

I hope I’m making sense here.