Would cutting off my family be realistic?

[Luna_Moth]

To make a long story short, I grew up with religious narcissists for parents. My mother has manipulated me my entire life and it’s been only recently that I found out I’ve had PTSD since I was 3 or 4 and developed C-PTSD at 5. When I was 28, I got retraumatized by someone simply from being triggered by them. It brought back all of the body memories and emotional flashbacks that I’ve buried all these years, yet I had no visual memories. A few years before that, my mother accused me of having false memories after I pointed out her manipulations. I’ve also come to find out that I was put through Somatic therapy as a child, but they denied I had any trauma.

I’m partially disabled due to my autism, and rely on them financially for a few things. Only now I’m starting to think I should really cut them off for good if I want to get better. I’m thinking of getting another job to pay my way for my health issues and my college, even though it might be hard.

I have a friend who has cut off her parents for being pedophiles and she is staying with me as she has nowhere else to go. We’re thinking of becoming roommates and of moving to a two bedroom apartment once she saves enough money.

I want to get a second job to pay for health issues and to take 1 college class a semester to see how I do.

My main concern is that I’m preparing for EMDR and I’m not sure if working 50 to 60 hours a week while attending school is doable, because I’ve read that you need a lot of time to recuperate after a session. At the same time, I don’t know if I can truly heal if I’m in touch with those that I suspect might have abused me at the preverbal stage. I question if I was sexually abused by someone and I hope they’re not my parents, but regardless the toxicity between our relationship is not helping my mental health at all.

I really feel lost at what to do and would like some input from other survivors who decided to go no contact with their family.

 

[Luna_Moth]

People can have trauma without their parents giving it to them.

Well if they’re not guilty about not giving it to me, then why are they so defensive about it? It doesn’t make sense to hide something like this from your adult child and then act suspicious by accusing you have having false memories implanted in your head by a therapist when you’ve never mentioned having any peculiar memories to them. I get that it’s common for toxic family members to tell you your supposedly evil therapist brainwashed you against your family, but to include false memories being induced doesn’t make any sense. Why would that be their first line of defense to me simply wanting to put up boundaries?

 

[shimmerz]

Well if they’re not guilty about not giving it to me, then why are they so defensive about it?

Because it is a horrible thing to be accused of. Of course they will want to defend themselves.

And on top of that you are complicating your life 1 million times by taking a stand against them. They are supporting you through school etc. The question isn't what did they do back then. It should be what are they doing now - and work your way through that.

It isn't cool to ditch your parents for no reason. It is cruel and most likely will end up being an exercise in self sabotage.

 

[Luna_Moth]

Because it is a horrible thing to be accused of. Of course they will want to defend themselves.

That would make sense, but I never accused them of anything. I literally was just simply putting up boundaries with them and that that was their first line of defense.

It was completely unwarranted. It was only after I started having flashbacks to the point of regression years later that I started being suspicious of them.

I find it very hard to believe that people would come up with that out of thin air when I (again) never mentioned memories to them or accused them of any such thing.

On top of that, how would I accuse them of something when I wasn’t aware I had trauma since I was really small? And how would I accuse them of something if I didn’t have any memories at the time or even now?

It isn't cool to ditch your parents for no reason. It is cruel and most likely will end up being an exercise in self sabotage.

My father literally told me that he doesn’t care about my mental health, and proceeded to make jokes about a patient he knew that jumped out a window to kill himself only to break his legs. This was after I was admitted into a mental hospital for wanting to off myself.

My mother mocked me for being mentally ill and turned me into a laughing stock.

And you expect me to have empathy for these people?

 

[shimmerz]

No, not empathy for them so much as looking out for your own best interests. Sounds like they are not supportive in the present - nor do they have the presence of mind to be supportive.

The fact is still the same for you and the impact on your future. I think you will have too much on your plate if they are supporting you in any significant way. Plan carefully is what I am trying to say.

 

[Luna_Moth]

Plan carefully is what I am trying to say.

How do you think I should go about doing that? Because I don’t know what else to do right now and I don’t think I’m going to be able to heal if I keep in touch with them, even if it’s at a minimum through LC.

 

[shimmerz]

There are many good thoughts in this thread. Sideways mentions a few very important things. Knowing what you are able to manage is going to be very important. Be realistic as to whether this is a good time to jump into trauma therapy. Talk to professionals and ask for their support. Maybe slowly disengage from your parents to see how you manage.

Look at your best interests and if you aren't great at regulating now would be a very good time to learn. Best of luck to you!

 

[Movingforward10]

I have debated with myself for years about cutting off family but have worked on managing being triggered by them instead. Not because I need them for any financial thing but because of not having family.

Even with family who are abusive or non supportive, losing them is still a loss. A loss of who we are, how we stand in the world, a loss of connection, a loss of a 'role' in the dynamic. It's complicated.

And if you need them to survive for money: I definitely wouldn't cut them off until you have yourself sorted financially.

I agree with others: if you work 50-60 hours a week, start trauma therapy and going to school, and cut your family off at the same time: you're going to crash and burn.. it's too much.
Trauma therapy is HARD. You're digging up everything, and there is a period of extreme unsettledness where life is hard, before the pieces come back together. A good therapist won't begin that when your life is unsettled to start with.

I agree with others, pick your priority.

Managing triggers might be the easiest way to go at the moment.

 

[Survivor3]

This isn’t something I’ve decided after a few bad spats with my family. I’ve been debating this for the past five years after I was accused of having false memories.

I’m already Low-Contact and am starting to come to the conclusion that that is not enough.

Yes, I understand your reasoning. You must do what's best for you.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

About doing intensive study while doing EMDR / any trauma therapy, I think that’s too much too.

I’m autistic, doing psychotherapy (with EMDR resourcing, not proper EMDR but aspects of it, in low doses) and I’m doing well if I’m just eating and sleeping properly. Going through trauma therapy is a really good idea but I really encourage you to think about the other things you plan to do at the time. I was in college when I got retraumatised and I had to drop out. I’m not saying this will definitely be you, but

My main concern is that I’m preparing for EMDR and I’m not sure if working 50 to 60 hours a week while attending school is doable, because I’ve read that you need a lot of time to recuperate after a session.

this is completely right. Work, and school, and trauma therapy? Unless the work and school are in flexible, low doses, I don’t think you’ll survive doing all of them, it would be a lot even for an allistic person.

Cutting off your parents will be a big change, it’ll probably really upset things for a while even if for the better; think about when you want to do that, and if you want to do it gradually / increment more boundaries, coping mechanisms and such before you decide to go ahead. Do you have a support network (trusted therapist, friends who can support you emotionally/practically in this, etc.) and routine/resources to help look after yourself when this turns things over mentally for you?
I can’t tell you wether it’s a good/realistic idea or not, but it will shake you up.

I work a morning a week, occasionally a day a week, that’s all I can handle at the moment, and the most I’ve been able to for years. I could probably do online studies, too… Just have a think about it, because to start trauma therapy you should really have some stability to fall back on, for me it was moving out again and having my own (safe) space, when I was really able to get into it properly.

 

[user56652]

For what it's worth I feel like cutting off some of my kith and kin especially after today!

 

[Luna_Moth]

My great aunt has been begging me to get back in touch with my grandmother, who has outright denied that I have any trauma. She even went as far to say that I went to residential treatment for what I think I have and not for what I actually have. She also told me that she didn’t believe me when she’s only been physically present in my life for about three years.

I love my great aunt to death, but it’s really hard when family members ask you to keep in touch with toxic family members.

It’s not like I chose to have signs of PTSD at five years old. To me that is too serious to just brush aside.

My aunt suggests that maybe I don’t get into anything serious with my grandmother and talk about something light. That would just mean that I have to push things under the rug and I’ve done that my entire life.

This isn’t about holding a grudge, this is about standing up for myself and I will not be silenced into submission by my family.

 

[whiteraven]

I should really cut them off for good if I want to get better.

Lots of good comments here. I just want to say that you don't *have* to cut anyone off--unless they are actively abusing you--to get better.