Not sure how to get past this

[NotOkay]

My past experiences of emotional and verbal abuse from my father haunt everything I do. I eventually had to go 'no contact' with my parents to stop the abuse. I thought that my husband was a breath of fresh air in my life and someone I could rely on. I have mentioned in a past post that he made a very abusive comment to me which has shaken me to the core. I told him that it upset me but he said that is just how he feels. Now he is acting like nothing has happened and I just can't seem to let it go. I feel devastated because I wanted my husband to be the person I could turn to when upset but I feel that I am turning away from him. Through therapy I discovered that I am suffering from CPTSD but that I am a 'highly sensitive person'. Yes, it's a thing! Aparently, 15 to 20% of the population are born that way. A highly sensitive person receiving emotional abuse in childhood and beyond is not a great combination. I keep away from people for fear of more abuse and criticism and I have no friends so I need my husband to understand me. I thought he did until now. I am a pathetic weak person who feels too much. I wish I didn't feel at all. I keep thinking about suicide but I am even too pathetic to go ahead with it. I just need someone to try and understand me. How can I put all this crap behind me and start to feel like a normal person? I feel my life is all but over if I don't have anyone that I can trust. Does anyone relate? I am sorry for the long post.

 

[Survivor3]

My past experiences of emotional and verbal abuse from my father haunt everything I do. I eventually had to go 'no contact' with my parents to stop the abuse. I thought that my husband was a breath of fresh air in my life and someone I could rely on. I have mentioned in a past post that he made a very abusive comment to me which has shaken me to the core. I told him that it upset me but he said that is just how he feels. Now he is acting like nothing has happened and I just can't seem to let it go. I feel devastated because I wanted my husband to be the person I could turn to when upset but I feel that I am turning away from him. Through therapy I discovered that I am suffering from CPTSD but that I am a 'highly sensitive person'. Yes, it's a thing! Aparently, 15 to 20% of the population are born that way. A highly sensitive person receiving emotional abuse in childhood and beyond is not a great combination. I keep away from people for fear of more abuse and criticism and I have no friends so I need my husband to understand me. I thought he did until now. I am a pathetic weak person who feels too much. I wish I didn't feel at all. I keep thinking about suicide but I am even too pathetic to go ahead with it. I just need someone to try and understand me. How can I put all this crap behind me and start to feel like a normal person? I feel my life is all but over if I don't have anyone that I can trust. Does anyone relate? I am sorry for the long post.

Hiya @NotOkay I'm sorry your having a hard time and it seems to have been going on for a while. I have also been very sensitive in my life. I have a history of complex trauma, depression and anxiety.

One of the statements you made really jumped out at me. The fact that you don't have any friends. This must be hard on a number of levels. Loneliness, pressure on your husband to forfill all of those needs etc... its not easy to make new friends, I know, I used to have no friends, now I have several and alot of acquaintances.

Is it possible that you could start trying to make friends with people so that your not so lonely and not trying to get all those needs met by your husband?

 

[NotOkay]

Hi Survivor3. Many thanks for responding to my post. Generally I keep myself to myself. Past friends have turned out not to be friends afterall. I feel a good friend is very hard to find, at least for me. I don't really consider myself to be lonely as such. I am a loner to some extent anyway. Probably because friends can be cruel. Maybe I chose the wrong ones! But I hear what you are saying about me trying to get all my needs met by my husband. I hadn't thought about it before but it seems obvious now that if I am trying to do that then it is not good. You have given me something to think about. Perhaps I am expecting too much from one person.

 

[Survivor3]

@NotOkay I used to try (probably unwittingly and subconsciously) to get all my needs met by one person in a relationship and simply didn't have the skills to make friends, cultivate and maintain relationships. It was pretty disastrous. I'm glad though you've stated that you don't actually feel lonely. That's good to hear.

May I ask? Do you have any passions/hobbies/interests?

 

[NotOkay]

Yes, I paint. Which I find very therapeutic. It helps me a lot.

 

[Survivor3]

Yes, I paint. Which I find very therapeutic. It helps me a lot.

Wow!!! That's great to hear. I'm a amateur painter . Currently doing a 8 week course. Week 4 next Wednesday, I've done 2x in watercolour and the next one is a Halloween theme using acrylics. I'm so glad to hear that you do that .

 

[NotOkay]

I am self taught but I would love to do a course in art some day. Thumbs up to you for doing that! I have dabbled with oils and acrylics over the years and now I am giving digital art a try. It is basically a computer program that acts like a paint brush, palette knife and oils. Thank you for taking the time to respond. It feels like you can understand as you may have experienced similar things to me. It is great that you say that you 'used to' which says that you are in a much better place now.

 

[Survivor3]

I am self taught but I would love to do a course in art some day. Thumbs up to you for doing that! I have dabbled with oils and acrylics over the years and now I am giving digital art a try. It is basically a computer program that acts like a paint brush, palette knife and oils. Thank you for taking the time to respond. It feels like you can understand as you may have experienced similar things to me. It is great that you say that you 'used to' which says that you are in a much better place now.

Yep! I'm pretty much a different person now. Much more stable and responsible. Quit drinking and smoking, (because i had a few heart attacks and nearly died, admittedly). Hard work to get well and fighting for medication to help me. I still have sideways days and had anxiety attacks but they've pretty much gone away now recently. I play saxophone, Go to the Buddhist centre, paint and do volunteering work. Have good friends now to socialise with and we try to support each other. A roof over my head. (I was homeless alot previously).

 

[NotOkay]

Yep! I'm pretty much a different person now. Much more stable and responsible. Quit drinking and smoking, (because i had a few heart attacks and nearly died, admittedly). Hard work to get well and fighting for medication to help me. I still have sideways days and had anxiety attacks but they've pretty much gone away now recently. I play saxophone, Go to the Buddhist centre, paint and do volunteering work. Have good friends now to socialise with and we try to support each other. A roof over my head. (I was homeless alot previously).

Wow! Respect to you! You have come a long way and I look pathetic in comparison. It must have been very hard for you going through the health scares and being homeless on top of all that. I can't get my head around how strong you are. Currently, although I am not working due to my health I help care for my husbands mum who sadly has dementia. It can be challenging at times but I hope it is teaching me not to over react during her bouts of challenging behaviour. My therapist (therapy finished a few months ago) wanted me to concentrate of self care. I struggle with this but have adopted meditation techniques and of course my painting. Both these I have neglected for a couple of weeks due to my suicidal ideation. But what I am hearing from your replies is that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Ok my husband hurt my feelings because he couldn't find a better way to explain how he was feeling. I think I need to cut him and me some slack. I shall sign off. Many thanks for sharing.

 

[Survivor3]

Wow! Respect to you! You have come a long way and I look pathetic in comparison. It must have been very hard for you going through the health scares and being homeless on top of all that. I can't get my head around how strong you are. Currently, although I am not working due to my health I help care for my husbands mum who sadly has dementia. It can be challenging at times but I hope it is teaching me not to over react during her bouts of challenging behaviour. My therapist (therapy finished a few months ago) wanted me to concentrate of self care. I struggle with this but have adopted meditation techniques and of course my painting. Both these I have neglected for a couple of weeks due to my suicidal ideation. But what I am hearing from your replies is that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Ok my husband hurt my feelings because he couldn't find a better way to explain how he was feeling. I think I need to cut him and me some slack. I shall sign off. Many thanks for sharing.

Oh, I wasn't homeless whilst having heart attacks. I've had my own place for a while now. And I saw nothing pathetic in your writings about yourself. Thankyou for the compliments though. My dad has dementia aswell and my mum looks after him so I understand that. Very admirable that you care for her. Meditation can be very beneficial. Sorry to hear you've had suicidal ideation. That's awful. Many of us here can relate to that. Certainly didn't mean to suggest you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I was having a discussion with a friend recently about someone who had said something upsetting to her, and she said to me "I just came to the conclusion That's the best they could be at that moment in time"! Life huh?!

Cutting you and him some slack sounds like a good idea though. A nice way to end the evening .

Thanks for talking and sharing. Hopefully see you again another day. Best wishes.

 

[NotOkay]

Hi Survivor3. I just wanted to say that you had helped me a lot yesterday. I am feeling a little better today and much less on edge. Thanks for taking the time yesterday to acknowledge and to understand. Best wishes to you.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi Survivor3. I just wanted to say that you had helped me a lot yesterday. I am feeling a little better today and much less on edge. Thanks for taking the time yesterday to acknowledge and to understand. Best wishes to you.

You're more than welcome , i really enjoyed talking to you, and it made me feel good.