Death My friend died

[Chris-duck]

Ive back and forwarded about posting this to be honest. And ive kind of settled for a vague post for new folks and a point to my old posts for context. Sorry, I welcome anyone's words but context is hard.

So H died i guess 9 days ago now. I went through a crap ton of shit with her, honestly still feel like I cant fully explain the situation to anyone except from her and now I guess theres nobody. N even being like "oh my friend died" is weird. Cos people ask "were you close?" N yes. But also no. Its been years n we kept in touch but closeness? I dunno. Its complicated. But I cant say that.

I feel very isolated. N theres plenty of people open to listening but they dont get it. And i feel angry cos of the situational parts of her death. People are trying to give me safety advice and making sure im okay when honestly f*ck it. The folks involved can bring their aggro rn. Im so f*cking angry. And have zero outlets cos its fine. Its always fine.

Yup. Not looking for much of anything rn. Just.. trying to tell whoever out there has some concept of the complicated shitshow of this so I can be like "f*cking right" Or whatever. Just being able to say its weird and complicated is good.

Way to make someone else's death all about me hah.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

Unfortunately there are some people who have the urge to make everything single thing all about themselves. My abuser was one of those people. There really isn’t much you can do about it as confrontations about their behavior will usually result in them lashing out at you and then they will try to gaslight you into thinking that you’re wrong and that they are the victim. My advice is to distance yourself from N for awhile and ignore any calls for a day or two. If you are confronted by N over ignoring her, just say that you were busy and didn’t notice any messages from her. She can’t prove that you weren’t busy.

 

[Ecdysis]

Sorry for your loss @Chris-duck

. My advice is to distance yourself from N for awhile and ignore any calls for a day or two. If you are confronted by N over ignoring her, just say that you were busy and didn’t notice any messages from her.

Omg I find your posts so, so inappropriate. I can't believe you're spewing random crazy blahblah at someone who's just lost a loved one.

And there is no such person as "N", it's an abbreviation for "and".

 

[OceanSpray]

Unfortunately there are some people who have the urge to make everything single thing all about themselves. My abuser was one of those people. There really isn’t much you can do about it as confrontations about their behavior will usually result in them lashing out at you and then they will try to gaslight you into thinking that you’re wrong and that they are the victim. My advice is to distance yourself from N for awhile and ignore any calls for a day or two. If you are confronted by N over ignoring her, just say that you were busy and didn’t notice any messages from her. She can’t prove that you weren’t busy.

I think this may be for a different thread.

 

[Movingforward10]

Way to make someone else's death all about me hah.

You're not doing that at all. You are grieving. And grief triggers all sorts of things. The two of you went through trauma together. So that friendship had it's complications and it's uniqueness. So many things intervened with H. And now she is dead. It's perfectly understandable that is hitting hard for many many reasons.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

Sorry for your loss @Chris-duck



Omg I find your posts so, so inappropriate. I can't believe you're spewing random crazy blahblah at someone who's just lost a loved one.

And there is no such person as "N", it's an abbreviation for "and".

I thought N was a person and another friend. I’m not used to seeing and abbreviated that way. Sorry that I misunderstood that seeing a capital N was the placeholder of a person and thinking it was someone else. Sometimes I don’t fully understand stuff like this because of my autism and my mind fills in gaps of stuff that I do have info for with things that are wrong. You don’t need to get so angry at me over a misunderstanding. Sometimes I interpret things differently than you. Maybe I should just quit this forum if I’m so “inappropriate.”

 

[Sideways]

I’m so sorry for your loss @Chris-duck . Not much I can offer except sit with you here in this space. Hope you can find some ways to be gentle with yourself.

Mod Note:
The side conversation about @captain jigglypuff ‘s post ends now. If you want to work through that, take it to your Trauma Diary, the OP doesn’t need it in this thread.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Chris-duck - Sending care and compassion out to you as a light in this time of loss. VB

 

[One step at a time]

So H died

Ah, shoot. I'm sorry. I know I wasn't active in your diary, but I read a bit when sorting myself out.

Im so f*cking angry

As you should be. It's not fair, and it's not right.

make someone else's death all about me

You're not making it all about you. But it does affect you. It would be weird if it didn't.

Maybe death is almost always about more than the dead person... After all, the dead person is dead. But the living people have to figure out how to live with that, continue. You're not doing anything wrong. You're processing, as we do.

Glad you're here.

 

[Freemartin]

Joining the chorus with the you’re not making it all about you. This thing affects you, as it should cause you’re no psychopath. And it’s your responsibility to deal with how it affects you. As you’re doing. So, not a psycho, doing what you’re supposed to do.

And, of course, I’m so sorry for what happened. It must be a total mindf*ck shitshow. Might be a good idea to sort it out somewhat in your diary. I’ll be there pouring drinks.

 

[Ecdysis]

I've found grieving people I've loved deeply even harder than going through trauma.

Which was very unexpected. I thought going through trauma is about as bad as it gets, so hey, when grief comes, I'll be able to cope, cos I've got all that trauma coping muscle built up. But no...

Additionally, grieving someone that you're trauma bonded to is a whole different ball game.

There is literally a thing called "complicated grief" - it might be helpful checking it out, just to realise that with deep grieving, there is no non-messy, linear way through it.

And yeah, no one "gets" grief until they go through it. You think you get it, until it hits you and then it's like ohhhhhhh f*ck...

I've found forums dedicated to grieving like Grieving.com helpful, because it's just not like anything else. It's its own thing.

And it's inexplicable and unfathomable and it comes in waves and it changes you. You are never quite the same person as you were before. And that's okay.

Edit to add: There's a lot of stuff about grief these days, thankfully... Personally, I find Anderson Cooper's podcast and interviews about it the most moving. This is an episode where he plays tons of the messages that people have sent in to him about their experiences with grief and loss...

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

So sorry for your loss, I don’t really have anything helpful to say because it’s uniquely horrible, but you’re allowed to suffer because of this, it’s not self-centred to be hurting because someone died. It hurts, a lot.
Sending compassion and hope you can be gentle on yourself (personally 101 types of self blame like to leap into the storm when someone I love dies).

My T said something about trying to balance doing and feeling when grieving. Easier said than done I know,,,