I Need Help With Fiance Please

[Spoo]

To start, my PTSD is due to combat related trauma. My recently announced fiance is sometimes very demanding in terms of when I call her at night or if I hang out with friends. 8/10 times she will text message me with something that makes me feel very guilty (extremely actually) if I do not message or call her in time. I don't know if she does this one purpose or if she really is "trying to tell me how she feels." Tonight is one of those times and I was just trying to relax with a friend/roommate (male). All we were doing was having a drink and playing stupid video games on an Xbox. I did not call her in time and she sent me a message saying that I obviously did not want to call her to talk to her. I tried to call her back shortly after receiving the message and she did not answer, meaning the phone was most likely on silent or who really knows at this point. Whenever she does this I am up at night until 5 or 6am, just as I am now, and feel extremely anxious, nervous and sometimes feel like hurting myself. I never have felt this self destructive urge before and it is scaring me. I've told her about this and what I feel about this issue but I believe she doesn't get it because it keeps happening almost every single time I go to spend some time with friends or whatever ridiculous thing I am doing when I am not around her 24/7.

I am not untrustworthy nor am I a cheater, I've even told her I have very faithful values towards marriage and relationships. I really don't understand whats going on, but I do know that I am tired of feeling this way until the wee hours of the morning especially when I have to go to work in several hours. I am also a college student (3rd year), so the effect of work and school on top of her demanding attitude has quite an effect on my PTSD. I'm sorry if this message isn't very clear, but I've been feeling this way for such a long time now, almost 2 years, and it is starting to really affect me. I do not know what to do with myself when this happens nor do I know how to explain how her demanding and guilt-causing attitude is affecting me.

Advise or thoughts or anything at all please. Thank you very much.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Spoo,

Welcome to the forum! I'll post more, in a difficult moment, but I'm with you, there are many here who understand and care.
Please keep posting and talking with us.

I'll be back, just have to deal with some physical pain, but just wanted to reach out and let you know I care.
Warmly,
Deer

 

[MurphyJB]

Hey Spoo.
I know you have shared very little, so I don't want to seem to intrusive with this question...but here it goes anyways. Are you sure this is the person you want to spend your life with?
Backing up a bit...have you told her how these texts and such make you feel? What was her response?
Sorry about all the questions...
Keep writing, it will help!

Best wishes

MJ

 

[Don]

... recently announced fiance is sometimes very demanding ..... Whenever she does this I am up at night until 5 or 6am, just as I am now, and feel extremely anxious, nervous and sometimes feel like hurting myself.

Well, to me she's sounding needy, clingy. Which imo would be a much lesser problem for your relationship if you were: not working, not being a student, and not coping with ptsd. Her need in combination with your having three things going on, is sounding like no small challenge and may be far beyond you. [Heck! I'm: not working, not a student, not in a relationship and I find just coping with ptsd by itself is a handful -- it's made me something of a recluse who only lately feels about ready to break out of his shell.]

As already remarked, is she (as a person) a good fit for you? You've been on this site since 2009, and you're only recently with her as your fiance. So, did she not understand what she was taking on when the marriage proposal was made and accepted? Did you let her know about your syndrome and at least some of the implications (eg. that you'd definitely need 'time to yourself', and really it just is not manageable to 'be there' for her 24/7 every minute of your non-work / non-student activities, as you do Need a goodly chunk of regular "me" time to help you ride out your ptsd and related anxiety)?

.... her demanding attitude has quite an effect on my PTSD. .... I do not know what to do with myself when this happens

I think, (a) this present relationship is not sustainable [you're toxic to each other in this present scenario], and, (b) you need to do something about it promptly.

My suggestion is:

Develop a 'plan of action' (don't just 'wing it' by "reacting" to her, but have a definite plan for handling her calls/text messages). By having and following a plan that you've thought out in advance, you should reduce the pressure on you and subsequent guilt, of trying to figure this out when you hear from her (as, you invariably will when off with your buddies).

In an ideal world, you would sit down with her, and the two of you would develop this plan, together, as a team. I'm suspecting (could be wrong though), that she's just not listening or doesn't want to hear it. Still, I urge you to try to involve her, or at least let her know what plan you've come up with, then stick with the plan so she knows you mean business.

What sort of 'plan'?

I think you Do need a Complete break (think, of it as therapeutic), so I suggest you consider becoming 'inaccessible' for discrete "chunks" of time (a regular two hours at a go? two or three times a week?) when you're with your buddies (turn OFF your electronic gadget(s)). But, 'check in' once the chunk of time has lapsed and acknowledge messages received as tersely or in detail as appropriate at the time. Again, try not to do this in secret but be completely open with your fiance as to what you're doing, and, your reasoning. AND, you may be at a point just now, where you also need a 'special' break from the relationship of a day or two (or more?), just to recover your equilibrium.

I've not read your 2009 posts yet, but I wonder if you're in therapy and have been given some 'calming routines' to help take the edge off your anxiety issues (along with urging you to tone down lifestyle issues that are 'triggering' you). [By calming routines, I mean meditation, long walks, puzzle books, etc. -- electronic stimulation is Not calming imo] Being with buddies is great, but too much stimulation and activity doesn't give your daytime consciousness time to 'sort things out'. Sneaking in some daily 'quiet time', such as 20 minutes a day, ideally something like meditation (eg. trying Not to think of Anything at all in a quiet setting) might prove very helpful and destressing.

When your anxiety escalates, I think that would make you much more prone to have troubles coping with self-harm thoughts. I see self-harm thoughts as our mind's "escape valve" -- pressures are becoming intolerable and our mind's throwing up suggestions for how to deal with the intolerable. My self-harm thoughts return with intensity and frequency when I neglect dealing with my anxiety levels.

Don

 

[allitherapy]

It sounds like your fiance has her own issues, which would be burdensome to anyone, PTSD or not. I really think you need to sit down and have a conversation with her about your needs in the relationship. She needs to understand that sometimes it's ok for you to be apart and that it doesn't mean you're out cheating on her or otherwise. Everyone needs alone time. It sounds like she mistrusts you for whatever reason (not saying you've done anything to deserve that; she may just have trust issues). I would talk to her about the trust aspect. If this is the person you'll be with for the rest of your life, your relationship must be a trusting one, otherwise it will be very difficult to make it work.
When a relationship is seriously damaging other aspects of your life (school, work, thoughts of self-harm), it's time to really evaluate the relationship. Either something needs to change within the relationship or it needs to end. If the relationship is potentially putting you in harms way, something needs to change ASAP.
Good luck to you.

 

[Spoo]

In response to questions asked in the replies, yes I've told her how her messages make me feel and she says that she does them because she was feeling "weird" and apologizes sincerely. Obviously they keep happening so this is whats making me nervous/confused insert appropriate emotion here. Yes she is VERY clingy, if I don't see her everyday she does the "weird" thing again and starts calling me with words of questioning my love or acting distant from me to protect herself because she gets offended that I wanted to spend time with friends and not her. When she does this it makes me feel guilty and I go back to square one with her and am mentally forced to go spend every waking free minute of my time with her. I don't want to feel forced and she doesnt get this. Ive told her that sometimes I just want to spend some time with friends but again she starts acting weird (or she says its ok then mid-way my time with friends I get the guilt tripping messages) then I feel over-guilty due to the PTSD and I conform to square one with her (spending all my free time with her). So I don't know how to make her understand this without her doing the weird thing and the whole process of my guilt. I believe she has depression because her mother was diagnosed with it and was on anti-depressants for a while. I put a ring on it because I love her for all of the good that she is and has done. There is more good than bad, but the bad is really having an effect on me. Thanks for all the replies and I'm looking forward to having more feedback.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Dear Spoo,

You've been in my heart and thoughts. There is so much to write, and I've fractured my wrist, so will do it in bits and pieces.

Please keep posting: there are so many aspects and struggles with what comes along with PTSD, that I hope this site and the wonderful people here can be a great asset, comfort and help to you.

I can identify greatly with you, having PTSD and some clingy friends and family members, as well.

This is a very important issue, and comes up a lot, in various ways, with PTSD.
You're not alone in this. Unfortunately, your problem is compounded because your fiancé is so very insecure.
Have you done any couples therapy yet, with your fiancé? I think it could be very helpful.

To deal with the intense level of insecurity your girlfriend has must be very upsetting and draining, for both of you!
I couldn't handle it, the way it is, currently. You really need to set some healthy boundaries within your relationship, even after you are married.

Your girlfriend must come to understand that healthy social interaction and play is very healing and beneficial to you both. You can come back renewed and strengthened, better able to be a more-connected friend and spouse. She also needs to develop a good social support system of female friends. She might never have had this modeled for her, if her mom was isolating in deep depression. She might be really frightened when you isolate from her.

Your own verbal reassurances probably don't touch a very deeply frightened, lonely person. It's in the practice of doing healthy behaviors where she's going to hopefully find a sense of normalcy. Don's suggestion of turning off your phone, but then giving her special time afterwards, is fantastic. That, and your continued demonstration of faithfulness is very important.

Providing security, loving, new healing experiences, for someone so flooded with need and anxiety like your fiancé, will really go a long way to repairing her own unmet childhood needs and engulfing needs.

___

Hi Spoo, (tiny rest break)

You need time away from your fiancé.
Time apart is healthy and necessary. To be forced to be with someone 24/7 is not healthy, whether you have PTSD or not.

It's ok that you spend time with your friends, you need it (as long as it's healthy activity, as Don is talking about).

If your fiancé is using guilt (intentionally or not) to control your behavior, that is very unhealthy.

Obviously, her using guilt ("feeling weird") is working for her right now, because no matter what the cost to you, you run to her side.
I'm concerned she just can't see the harm and the stress and anxiety levels peaking in you.
It's touching that you run to her when she is in distress; however this type of distress is very inappropriate in any relationship, and can cause burnout to the partner (you).

She really needs to be encouraged to have healthy activities; and she needs help to learn how to develop strengths to sustain her outside of the intense, obsessive, focus on you as sole provider of her emotional needs.

Boundaries, and knowing what you're doing is healthy for you, can help ease the guilt.

I keep thinking of the phrase "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

 

[Reclusive]

Wow, Deer really said it. I just want to add that if you're going to be married, this is the kind of stuff that you're going to have be able to sit down and resolve and the resolution has to be right for both of you. That's necessary for a lasting marriage, so you might as well start now.