Is Friendship and Relationships worth it still? My Story

[Harorudo]

Online has always been so hard for me to be on. IRL I have no one but family and my help team. ( ATM ) The last time I had a close, good and I though best "friend" in person was in High School the year 2008. ( Online that's another story for another time I'll share about friendships and relationships on here ) Then that was it I have no social life. I tried joining things over time to get out there meet others, though nothing worked.


Having severe mental health, a learning disability, now discovering I have Autism ( at age 34 now im 37 ) and C-PTSD always been a major turn off too people. People my age are into things I'm not wanting to do or have. I even don't feel in my 30s either. ( long story there )


As for online I met countless people the good, bad and worse than ugly the dangerous. ( No this dose not mean looks, its them as a person, who they are and personality wise. ) For good it was either they couldn't handel me, accept me for who I was after awhile. They left me saying im werid, a freak that needs mental help and other not nice things too say.


Other times if I talked and be friended someone or a group I see there true colors that there not so nice, friendly or lied to me just to use me in someway. ( Even them hurt other people on purpose for fun ) The bad the typical bullies, liars, manipulators and so on. Lastly the dangerous.. I can't say on here I don't want to trigger anyone but its worse that someone just being a jerk to me.


( Think about all the dangers online today pretty much half that happened to me sadly. I'm all for online safety and plan to write a novel of some sorts to educate others and sharing my full story )



Like them trying to hurt me worse than simple manipulation much worse like brainwash or physically/mentally/sexual bad stuff. I could go on and explain more though it's still hard for me to talk about.



All the memories still haunt me even if im not online or take breaks from it. I really got f uped in the head since age 12 and still even now older things online still happen to me. Adding more pain ontop a trying to heal, mend and feel some kind of peace.


I wish I could say what happen to me but I can't. I'm so messed up and in pain 24/7 I never wish this on anyone. I'm writing this post for a lot of reasons to express share my feelings and life.


I came a VERY long way for being so messed up as a teen I was angry at everyone even myself for a very long time. ( I didn't care at all about myself either and now paying the price of it) I changed though and worked my butt off everyday after 2018 to become the women I am today. I'm not sure what else to say.


Please take care everyone and if you read this I really appreciate it even if you don't comment.

 

[Sideways]

Mod note:
@Harorudo - I’ve removed the TW from your post. No need for them here - every thread contains potential triggers.

You can read more about that in the Community Constitution.

 

[Harorudo]

Mod note:
@Harorudo - I’ve removed the TW from your post. No need for them here - every thread contains potential triggers.

You can read more about that in the Community Constitution.

Thank you for letting me know I'll take a look at that now.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I’m sorry you’ve been through so much. The internet can be a terrible place for kids/otherwise vulnerable people.

Have your help team provided anything to help you cope with/process your trauma?

I didn't care at all about myself either and now paying the price of it

Been there, it does get better.

 

[Movingforward10]

Those people you say are good who then called your weird, don't sound like good to me. Good people wouldn't emotionally abusive like that.

I'm sorry it's lonely.

Do you want to try more IRL groups or does that sound too hard?

Welcome here.

 

[Harorudo]

@Dark.Green.Feathers
Yes, I've been through a lot indeed however over time I gotten used to disappoint and pain from people. So I don't break down as bad if someone hurts me in some way nowadays. Even though I'm afraid of people, I still deep down care and try to help others It's just who I am as a person. For tools to help me day to day from my therapist some things worked for me, as for others not much.

@Movingforward10
It can be but if I never have friends or be in a relationship ever again I made peace with it already. I'd still talk a bit and help others but won't be that close to anyone. As for real life I tried for years people in my age range party, have kids, smoke , drink and other stuff I don't do or I find fun and etc. Plus I don't trust people irl here were I reside much due to some personal things. I just have online for socializing.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

For tools to help me day to day from my therapist some things worked for me, as for others not much.

It can take trial and error to find what works for you. If you identify what needs work, it can help you find other coping skills to try.

I still deep down care and try to help others It's just who I am as a person

Good qualities to have.
I find it very hard to see the good in others sometimes, despite knowing some very good people. Remembering that I care helps against it. With trauma it can be hard to see people as people, instead of (potential) monsters.

 

[Harorudo]

It can take trial and error to find what works for you. If you identify what needs work, it can help you find other coping skills to try.

Good qualities to have.
I find it very hard to see the good in others sometimes, despite knowing some very good people. Remembering that I care helps against it. With trauma it can be hard to see people as people, instead of (potential) monsters.

Very true.

Likewise and I can read people pretty well after being hurt over and over for years. Also true not right away I can but I've been talking to all sorts of people I can tell if there legit or not. So far being on this forum talking / postings stuff I see no problem here and feel safe so far. Also if you ever want to talk more feel free to message me if you wish, If you need help or wanna talk. No pressure just thought I offer.

Thank you again for liking my posts or talking back in threads to me.