Significant other

[Dynamic]

Can someone relate?

Whats your experiences getting into a serious relationship with someone you always intended dating from the beginning; such as a friend introduced you two for the purpose of dating, met on dating app or something

Vs

dating someone after being friends first

What do you think some differences would look like?

Does this make sense?

 

[Notgoodatnames]

Personally I've never managed dating anyone from the first category, because it's too much pressure: people seem to want to get too close too quickly. For me I might be able to look at a photo of someone and say "I wouldn't categorically rule out dating them" but that is not the same thing as knowing I'd be interested, and then people get all touch-feely (both physically and emotionally) way too fast which makes me freeze and run away. Getting to know someone and gradually realizing there's an attraction and then ending up dating them gives you some time to suss out how you feel without pressure. That being said, I don't know about dating someone you've been friends with for a long time prior, as that also seems like a lot of pressure, and maybe they'd know you too well and then there'd be no honeymoon period where they only see your good side.

 

[Movingforward10]

I 've been in a relationship for 22 years. So my experience of these things is from long ago and when I was young. And I think that being young is very different to starting a relationship when older.

I did both. My ex, we were friends for a year before we got together.
And my partner, we met through an ad I put out so it was intentional.
What was the difference? There was more riding on the friendship as of it went wrong, it would have impacted the friendship and friendship group. (When we split up, that happened but I worked through it).
With meeting someone purely for the reason to get on, for me it took the pressure off.

Now? Idk.
From what I see from my single friends, they want connection and friendship and building it up rather than meeting someone for the purpose of a relationship.

What's driving your question? Maybe that's the thing to explore?

 

[Dynamic]

Both interesting and helpful answers.

I think 1. I’m coming from a regular breakdown shut down with all relationships trying to put things back together in my head that feel safe.

I know your stories can’t make me safe but hearing different experiences normalizes my own somehow.

Or highlights what maybe isn’t normal easier. So probably me looking out from fear and past bad experiences.

For me my exhusband was someone I was set up with intentionally

And my partner now was an acquaintance first for a year or more then distant friends then close friends to best friends to a couple.

last I checked or was in this mind space I thought wow it’s so much easier being friends first and now I’m thinking the opposite

So I just want to learn I guess.

Currently I am struggling with separating my partner from who they used to be and I’ve watched them grow genuinely so I know they are different

Maybe I’m just too triggered still.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

wow it’s so much easier being friends first and now I’m thinking the opposite

I think relationships are just hard! And we always look at other people's relationships and think they must know what they are doing, but I think maybe the only people who are ok are the people that just don't think about anything?

My ex-husband when I met him seemed really stable. Unlike me he had a good, stable well paying job, and had grown up going to a good school and a good university, and he seemed to have everything sorted. And then everything fell apart: he was really shut down - we couldn't ever talk about our problems - and I felt all the time that I wasn't achieving enough, or earning enough, or just basically wasn't functional enough, so I always felt like I was failing.

My current partner is difficult in a different way because I believe he has undiagnosed CPTSD, but even though we are going through stuff, he also make me feel like its ok to be me, and I'm not being "too much" or "too difficult". And the thing I learned from last time round was that I had to be braver, and more open, and more willing to examine myself and why I reacted to certain things in certain ways.

I just think relationships take a huge amount of courage, and ongoing willingness to be open and accept change, and it's really really hard no matter how you entered the relationship.

I think maybe what I'm trying to say is that there is no normal, and even the people and the couples that look normal on the outside have stuff going on on the inside, and at least for those of us that have had to confront that stuff, at least we have a bit more self-knowledge? Maybe?

I'm sorry you are struggling. And sorry if I'm not saying the right things

 

[Dynamic]

No you def helped a lot @Notgoodatnames

you answered a lot of what I was wondering.

now I feel very quiet so thanks!