The Role Of Trust: What Is It?

[Tinyflame]

I hope this is the right category, because it is 'interpersonal 'I've placed it here.

I am ashamed to say I am 42 years old and have known only one wholly-trustworthy person in my life (and they're dead).

Whether due to addictions, not telling the truth or speaking their mind all-along, whether choosing to be otherwise or for whatever reason, whether it be family, friends, or bf's, sometimes even work-related, it has always been my experience that 'people are trustworthy until they choose not to be'. I can trust in another's competence, but if people will not be honest etc, how can one "trust until there are too many reasons not to trust?" That is, it seems to me that 'trusting until you see you can't' seems not equal to what the defninition of trust is, and yet the end-result is the same, being 'naive' in the face of facts-to-the-contrary.

Is trust then, just based on the moment? Is it even necessary? Why are people afraid to say the truth/ pretend to be of one mindset when they are another? Am I just an 'idiot'? :(

I suspect that (that lack of trust/ trustworthy people) contributes to not caring if one leaves everything behind, just 'picks up and goes'.

 

[The Albatross]

Ah, that is the big question. I have come to a place where I find, for myself, that I am deficient in some ways... affecting my ability to assess people and situations. So I am hardwired to self doubt my assessments. I have had two husbands and both have been extremely dishonest with me. I am working through my marriage now, but don't trust him even though I love him. It is an uncomfortable place to be.

I know that I've done the best I can to defend myself against lies and betrayal... yet they happened, none the less.
I tend now to sort people as "healthy" and "unhealthy" and deal with them accordingly. I don't know that anyone is entirely trustworthy even myself. I am certainly, at times, no respecter of the truth.

I am also aware that perceptions are individual and not at all the same. How I problem solve, and others do, is not the same. There was a vid online a long time ago about a group of people engaged in an activity and someone in a gorilla suit walked through the room. It was an excellent example of how a group of people can be so distracted that they couldn't see "the gorilla in the room". So... though I prefer the truth, I may be too distracted to see what it is, and so may others.

I have not made the connection to apathy (not caring) with trust. I tend more to choose to believe that like me, everyone is self actualizing.... I had a friend use an analogy that made a lot of sense to me. We're all bubbles in the champaign, trying to rise. Some do, some burst. I am learning to be careful with the value judgments and perceptions and core beliefs I have... because this little bubble wants to rise. Not break.

Now I ask myself, what purpose does this belief serve? Does it help me or harm me? And I try to make choices that will keep me in the game. I almost died from my alcoholism about 10 years ago. I had accepted that I could trust no one, and I actively isolated in my home for a year and a half. It took 6 months of online meetings to give me the nerve to leave my home and attend meetings because of fear and distrust.

Distrust and fear almost killed me. Now I am more afraid of being cut off from others, in a group... flawed, untrustworthy, though people may be... than I am at home, isolating and drinking myself toward death, insanity, wet brain or jail.

I am not at ease, often... but the fact is, that life is about relationships and I do need relationship with others to live. That's a heck of a motivation and it helps me to ride out the disappointments and it serves me better to believe that I don't have a firmer grasp on the truth than anyone else does. I have mine, you have yours, she has hers, he has his... the reality may be somewhere inbetween... or like the gorilla vid ... we all may miss it completely. It sucks, and it's hard and I don't like it one bit at times, when I find my spouse has lied to me or a coworker is dishonest, but when I can self examine, I don't find I've been completely honest or trustworthy either. So do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Albatross, for your honesty.

No, I think because it is (or was) important to me I have tried to be trustworthy. Perhaps (too) because I too went through a period of bad times and wasn't always. I don't mean I'm a good person, but trustworthy- yes. I don't say what I don't mean, or I wouldn't say it and I try to be true with that.

I do agree, there is "your truth, their truth, and 'THE' truth", but yes, I guess I associate apathy to some degree with mistrust- at least with no caring, simply because if I cared I wouldn't be apathetic. However, 'caring' is not mandatory for anyone to provide, to me only dishonest that one would preffered to be viewed as such instead of the truth. If one feels apathetic, or couldn't care less -'good', as it were, say so, I have no problem with that, at least it's honest.

I think in retrospect actions and inactions say everything.

I follow your logic, that relationships are the 'antitdote' in many ways to self-isolating, as it were. I just think in the future I'll anticipate the (any) relationship won't involve trust. It doesn't have to include mistrust, but it doesn't have to include trust, either.

 

[The Albatross]

I have tried to be trustworthy too, and am pretty successful. But I know that though it is my stated preference, I have lost long friendships with people who care about me because I perceived a lie. In their minds, rightly or wrongly, they thought they were shielding me or protecting me. And I haven't tended to do the same, but I was put in some situations where it was hard to be truthful... and I have not been wholey truthful at times. For me it was most often about the extent of my substance abuse.

I'm all in with "to thine ownself be true", and would rather take the fallout for being honest, candid or blunt than decieve or betray through dishonesty. I just know too, fell short of my own standard.. and as a result, I tend to be more questioning and even forgiving. I try to be responsible for my own actions today, and though there have been pitfalls, it has generally been helpful with my depression, thoughts of self harm, and substance abuse.

I'm looking forward to what others say, for myself, I haven't found how to determine trustworthiness in the people I am in relationship with... with any accuracy. So I try to look past the actions or inactions and just ask myself about their intent. Did they intend to harm me? Did they intend to intentionally inflict pain? Or are they basically flawed people just like I am?

If it's intentional I cut them loose, if I think that they are basically "good willed" I try to deal with it then let it go.

 

[The Albatross]

Or try to and do some boundry setting.

 

[Brontie]

Junebug,

Probably not what you are looking for but…

I also have serious trust issues and yet, thankfully, I trust a handful of family members.

What I wanted to say is that we can learn to trust our own instincts and intuition and this can help bread trust.

Being unable to trust others may come down to the fact that we don’t trust ourselves to make good decisions.

 

[seedling]

Junebug,

My small contribution - my therapist told me early on in therapy that he felt trust was relative. There were people he would trust with his wife but not with his money and vice versa.

Now, how to distinguish what may be trustworthy in each person.

I know that I communicate differently with each of my friends (that I trust). There are things I am more comfortable telling one but not the other. I try to let my inner feelings be my guide, this is more difficult now.

I think it's pretty good to say you've known one wholly-trustworthy person in your life. I trust my family and friends but I'm not sure about the "wholly" part.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you seedling, and everyone; I too seedling can only imagine trust as 'compartmentalized', that way. Also I guess it doesn't help whom I trusted was my mom, because she also said 'actions mean everything'.

I do feel like my own inner feelings have let me down and yes Brontie I do agree, I have no internal compass to 'ensure' (to myself) my decisions are 'right' or 'good', as regards myself, anyway. So without those 'feelings' I am left flat.

Dear Albatross, I do understand in so far as I've done 12 step work- and yes, all that matters ultimately is that I clean my own house. I also thought today, no one's 'fault' but my own if 'I' have chosen to trust and regret it, and certainly not accurate to be angry at anyone but myself for it. Also, to be angry at anyone else infers I've judged them, which leaves me the one then who needs to be 'forgiven', not them.

I think that is neat, too, your thought or perspective that there is an 'alternative' explanation. I'm just afraid that the 'alternative explanation' in my case was that I was too slow to 'get it', and wrong to begin with.

 

[TEL]

I remember my dad telling me when I was, oh, about 16 years old; "Don't trust anyone - not even me". I wholeheartedly agreed. He was certainly right that I could not trust him. And I could not trust anyone else in my family of origin either. I have a sister who longs to have a close relationship with me, but I sincerely doubt that will ever happen. Its not because I don't love her. Its because she hurt me badly as a child (10 years older than I) and she's pretty much a scary person to me. I keep my distance.
My husband of 26 years has proven himself trustworthy. Man, did I put him through the ringer on this issue for about, oh, the first 18 years together! Poor guy. He is the only person I've allowed really into my heart. And yet there are still many times when I'm hurting and close myself up from his efforts to comfort me. Although, the other day I was crying and I did allow him to comfort me and it felt SO good. Relief.
I think of an old friend who once told me that people will let us down and to expect it. After processing her comment, I came to realize that in a balanced way, no one will ever perfectly do right by us. Because we're imperfect beings, we humans.
Of course there are degrees of being let down.
I think, in the end thought here, I choose my friends carefully. I long for a best friend but don't have one. I think its due to 2 things: (1) they will reject me once they realize I'm flawed, (I think, anyway) and (2) deep inside, from childhood years, I frequently despise all people. I don't want to, but I'm aware of this problem. Life was absolute hell growing up and there was not one person I could trust, rely on, or wasn't in some way seriously hurt by.

 

[The Albatross]

No worries... It's not 12 step work though. It's REBT techniques (Albert Ellis)

 

[The Albatross]

I think that is neat, too, your thought or perspective that there is an 'alternative' explanation. I'm just afraid that the 'alternative explanation' in my case was that I was too slow to 'get it', and wrong to begin with.

Yeah, me too. But I know that really, there were a lot of things I just didn't get or learn... tools in my family of origin. Trying to learn that now may save me some "more of the same" at least.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry Albatross didn't mean to offen or assume, I am not familiar with REBT techniques.
Thank you for your input.

I did think, well, why did I trust my mom? I think because she was very healthy- wise and not judmental, thought a lot before she spoke, and always included one's heart as part of the consideration- I don't mean just other's feelings (though that, as well) but also your own as part of the equation She wasn't afraid to say, "I don't know". Also, she had been through much, but had a positive attitude, and no bitterness, very rarely did I ever hear her 'judge' anyone- she was far too wise and kind. But she also communicated the truth- one was never left in a 'grey area'. And I felt I knew she had my best interests at heart.
Oddly enough she said before she died that "she had always found it difficult to trust others, but when she 'had' to things worked out fine".