Where My Memories End-- Anyone Else?

[Kintsugi]

Since I started therapy a supressed memory will pop in my head in very vivid detail, when I am able to deal with it.

Tosh, if you don't mind my asking, what kind of therapy do you do? I never knew there were so many kinds until this forum, and now I'm looking into different methods. I don't even know what kind of therapy I did when I was in therapy for five years; I read out of a journal that I kept and we discussed what I wrote about and where those things came from. I really have only allowed myself to remember things when I am writing in a certain way. I sit down to write and all of these things go through my head, my fingers are going, and I'm immersed in vivid memory until it stops, and then two hours have gone by and there are pages and pages of writing in front of me illustrating everything that had gone through my mind. Sometimes I remember something randomly in my day, a single frame of a moment from when I was really little, and remember a few words or a gesture, but nothing surrounding it. It's exhausting just to think about how tedious and frustrating this process is.

 

[Adrienne12]

Remembering takes time. Your body protects you from memories until you are ready to handle them. (i.e. Nigtmares and Flashbacks). That is your unconcious telling you that you have to deal with it.

I remembered only bits and pieces of what happened to me. I was unaware of how I got back to the car that night. The ending was never clear. However, over time...these pieces would flash in my head. I kept seeing this dumpster and could clearly see the numbers on the side. Then I recalled being in it and trying to pile up enough trash to climb out. I also remembered this smell of wood glue all the time. It was the kind of dumpster people use when re-modeling houses. It took years to remember it. And once I did, it was only pictures at a time. I had to put it together piece by piece.

It is frightening when you do not remember. I attribute the memory loss to the fact that I froze. I do know that in time....there is hope that you will recover the whole thing. But it's just as frightening to remember as it is to not know.

 

[Tinyflame]

I noticed yesterday- because they were saying the dates of past 'events' on the news- that (during) some I felt almost ten years older (at that time, than my actual age), some later I thought had happened as an older child (I was an adult).
-Go figure- (?!) :confused:

 

[Reclusive]

That happens to me, too, Junebug. I have a memory gap from when I was about 21 until 28 or so and so my placement of events in time is completely off. At least, I think they're related. My childhood memories are pretty straight, but they get wonky after my mom went in the hospital.

 

[Kintsugi]

It was the kind of dumpster people use when re-modeling houses.

Talk about frightening. This quote actually blasted me back to an incident in a house that was being built that I had completely forgotten about, though the house is done now and a wonderful family lives there, and yet I get extra paranoid every time I walk past. Crazy, the things that unlock us in some way.

 

[Ted Moen]

I used to tell my therapist that my memory changed around periods of trauma. Normally my memory flows through time, images and events occurring in sequence, kinda like clips from a camcorder stored and retrievable when needed. Memory during periods dominated by traumatic events I described as memory spikes. Intense memories that explode into my consciousness I can't manage or organize and sometimes I'm not even sure if they're mine or real, just flashes of confused stuff and sensations.

It felt so important to know then. Now it doesn't matter any more. Stuff happened then, and it still generates thoughts and feelings that intrude into my consciousness. That is a more or less permanent condition of ptsd in my opinion. But with a lot of therapeutic support I have learned to sort out the old stuff and process it in a safe way while continuing to act (behave) in a manner appropriate to getting my current needs met in my current situation. That's what learning to live better with ptsd is all about, learning to act (behave) in a manner that gets your current needs met in your current situation.

The more I shared my old stuff in a safe environment, the more I was able to sort out the felt needs based on the old stuff and my current needs, the more I was able to behave appropriately (assertive, not passive or aggressive) in my current situation.

The memories never end, but they become manageable.

Ted

 

[Serene]

Remembering takes time. Your body protects you from memories until you are ready to handle them.

I have been meditating for years, but several months ago I started going much, much deeper than I ever had before. I started meditation for 2 or 3 hours a day. I felt like I was having out of body experiences. I was so peaceful. I thought I had come to a whole new place in my recovery, like I had become enlightened.

Then, I crashed big time. There were several events (a new therapist, the man I love breaking up with me) that could trigger a crash but I wonder if stuff is coming up, also, because I was able to be so still and quiet for about a full month.

 

[Adrienne12]

I have been meditating for years, but several months ago I started going much, much deeper than I ever had before. I started meditation for 2 or 3 hours a day. I felt like I was having out of body experiences. I was so peaceful. I thought I had come to a whole new place in my recovery, like I had become enlightened.

Then, I crashed big time. There were several events (a new therapist, the man I love breaking up with me) that could trigger a crash but I wonder if stuff is coming up, also, because I was able to be so still and quiet for about a full month.

I truly believe our minds protect us until it's time. Maybe after all that meditating....you were finally ready. I know that I had ptsd years ago. I avoided it. I exercised and worked a lot. I thought I was better.

Then, my father attempted suicide and all those feelings, nightmares, flashbacks came back. So...the breakup could have caused you to sort of relapse in a way.

 

[Adrienne12]

Talk about frightening. This quote actually blasted me back to an incident in a house that was being built that I had completely forgotten about, though the house is done now and a wonderful family lives there, and yet I get extra paranoid every time I walk past. Crazy, the things that unlock us in some way.

My intent was not to make you feel uncomfortable. I know all it takes is a word, a thought or a smell and you are warped right back there. My skin always crawls when it happens. Sorry Miss Anti. :(

 

[Kintsugi]

Aw, don't apologize. This whole thread is because I want to know what happened. It really does take something so small!

 

[anthony]

Everyone in this thread should read the latest empirical research data on traumatic memory... I have written the wiki page, but it has not been edited yet, though is accurate nonetheless, cited to all sources in reference.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/wiki/posttraumatic-memory/[/DLMURL]

 

[Adrienne12]

Good article. I agree with most of it. Except for the part about spontaneous recovering of the memories. I am well aware that these are facts being stated. However, I do believe there are occasional exceptions to this. I've been in therapy with a therapist who does not "goad" me in any particular direction. I remembered most of what happened. The part I could not recall was the end. When they were kicking me, I could see myself being kicked. Not my face but the rest of my body. It was like I was floating above it...watching. I realize how insane that sounds and it took awhile for me to actually get that out to the therapist.

Anyway, after that happened....I didn't remember much of the end. It was all pieces. I would see pictures of things but nothing was in order. I couldn't put everything together. When these pictures would pop into my head, I would have this intense burning pain in my arm. When they threw me in that dumpster is how I broke my arm. I landed on it. I think the intense pain as well as leaving my body is what caused the lapse in memory. I have no doubt in my mind that what I recalled is indeed what happened. I always pictured these things. It was just difficult to piece together. And I may have been reluctant to do so because I did everything in my power to avoid it which only made recalling it take longer.

I wasn't implanting things in my brain. I wasn't searching for an answer or trying to recall the end. I learned that if you pretend it didn't happen, your flashbacks will betray you. If you don't say it out loud, your nightmares will say it for you.

Do I believe in the possibility of false memories? Do I believe that therapists tend to push their patients in a particular direction? Of course. However, when you try to deny something for so long....it resurfaces with a vengeance.