Relationship Waiting

[Nicolette]

I am concerned about the members who come here "waiting" for their Sufferer. Being rejected, being told that their PTSD Sufferer is not capable of a relationship and still hanging on to the possibility of anything short of a miracle.

If someone does not want to be with you, says so, does not contact you and you see them with a status of single it's not always PTSD and them having PTSD does not mean there is a really good chance they will change their minds.

Lets be honest and realistic with ourselves...... remove denial. I mean, come on, when you're old and covered with cobwebs are you going to wake up and think 'he/she is not coming back'?.

Some relationships work after a separation but there are some articles here where they talk about a PTSD Sufferer not being able to return to a relationship due to their own guilt of how they have hurt you. It's not all but it is for some. Some people in normal relationships have a break and then work things out, others don't no matter how hard they try.

If the sign post says "no entry" then and think about what you are doing. Are you being co-dependent, are you hanging onto something for fear of being alone, is your self esteem low and you fear finding someone else?

Listen to what your PTSD Sufferer tells you. Take PTSD out of the equation and listen again. It's not all due to PTSD when someone leaves you or doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

I totally accept you will feel hurt, betrayed, lost but that happens at the end of any relationship.

Again too, if you have only been dating for a few months and this happens then maybe the Sufferer is not the right person for you. If you are married and have been together a long time it is harder and more complex.

With all due respect, it is upsetting to come here and read how some 'Supporters' are hanging onto their thoughts and not the actions and words of the other party.

If someone doesn't want to be with you then you deserve to find someone who does. Please don't sell yourself short.

 

[ISupportHer]

Many, many valid points here!

ISH

 

[May1321]

I think it is good to be able to come back and read this.

So often I get wrapped up in my own hurt and thought processes and I lose the strength - though I know it is there - to tell myself to stop the cycle of 'hanging on'. It's good to have the reminders in visual form outside my chaotic bubble of thought.

I've been pretty disciplined about my initiation and I know mentally I've let go of as much of the 'good memories' as I can. I made my peace and am confident with my role as a part of the relationship. I feel as though we've finished on a solid foundation for growth if it did ever come to that.

The hard part is knowing/afraid of healing and then running into him. I know all of it is for the best and I can be grateful I can hurt and heal my hurt which is all mine now. Aside from his not talking to me, he hasn't done anything to hurt me so the hurt is my own. It's good to read the stories of growth for the women who have had their form of 'successes' as it truly in all cases is about taking care of ourselves first, if nothing else, so that it can't happen again - or we'll know how to read the signs and react better if it ever does.

I don't know my path. I'm looking forward to my future as I always have. My heart hurts right now but it is just another beauty mark as I venture into the next phase of this life :)

I can only HOPE that he finds the beauty I see in him and the strength to continue his treatment as he originally set out to do... therefore freeing himself of all that binds him. I can only HOPE that he is never afraid to talk to me, or feel guilty to talk to me as I did not share my final feelings with him to make him feel so and I thought / felt that though he may feel some guilt that he knew I would never do anything to let him feel that way.

C'est la Vie... and it goes on.

Thank you for maintaining this forum and allowing us to spill our 'gutts' out so-to-speak.

 

[Jawn]

Very well said Nicolette. I'm working on this one, but it is difficult after being with someone for 18 yrs.

Jawn

If someone doesn't want to be with you then you deserve to find someone who does. Please don't sell yourself short.

 

[niksgee]

I found being responsible for his feelings too much to cope with. What I was going through was enough. I told him that I wasnt ready for a relationship and he pushed it. To be honest, it didnt get better either.

Well that was until I hit a really low point in Jan at the year anniversary. I said I wanted a 2 month break. In that time I was able to focus on myself. Getting myself strong. He focused on himself. We got back together, and he moved in. Since then its been fine, we get on well now. A separation (if you are not married with children) can be beneficial. Sometimes people are frightened to let go. Well, to be honest if you are meant to be together, then you will be. Take some time out give yourself a break. It can be good for both of you. And if the relationship doesn't withstand a temporary break - well then it was never meant to be. People have to be responsible for themselves, despite what they have been through.

<EDITED Nicolette: capitalizing the word 'I'>

 

[NikkiNikki]

So true! I was guilty of this as well. It sucked, but it gets better with time.

"Don't sell yourself short". YES!! You deserved to be loved, happy, and treated right. Do not settle for less.

 

[Frankie]

Very good points Nicolette ! WE cannot wait for something that might never come to be. I know what it feels like to wait for him to get better, or to realize that we ARE good together and he made a mistake leaving....yes, his PTSD was the cause of him leaving, he was and is a sick man...but he has tried over and over and still left everytime.....I have to admit the first times he did this, I waited but to no avail, things do not change unless he wants them to change. I know the feeling of "what if this is the time he will stay?" I went through that and there has to come a time when we say "enough". We do deserve better, we deserve to have someone in our lives who won't go away :)

I am ok with it all now, there was a time I was devastated, and I do still get my moments...but I have truly moved on. Today if he would come back and say he wanted another chance, I would say no. We had wonderful moments but I also had moments of deep hurt, and I don't want to go through that again.

 

[KP the nut]

Thank you Nicolette, I've been quite worried at the way some members will not give their loved ones space. ((Jawn)) this was not aimed at you. I have been in contact with one member who would not listen to what her boyfriend was saying.

Some supporters think they know best and will not back away. Each relationship is different but IMHO communication is key.

Sorry I'm possibly rambling a bit it is late and time for bed.

((HUGS)) and goodnight

 

[amethist]

Thank you Frankie for dropping by and posting here.

I have used your story a few times, to show some members that sometimes this is what has to be done, they have to be strong for themselves and let go. When I could see that the supporter was desperate to hang, but we could see from here, their sufferer was not able to be who they wanted them to be.

Yes KP, giving space is what some sufferers crave for, and are sometimes smothered by the lack of understanding from their supporters. All they can see is what they are missing out on in the relationship, when their sufferer cant show them the love and care they want and need.

This is not about you and your needs, it is about them and the need to heal with support, understanding and peace.

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

This is not about you and your needs, it is about them and the need to heal with support, understanding and peace.

Which sometimes really sucks as a Supporter but life is a journey and not a fairytale. :cautious:

 

[Frankie]

Thank-you Amethist, It is so true, and I do hope that my story has motivated some to do what they need to do for them !

I do see it all now, I am detached enough to see it, he maybe did love me and I know I certainly did love him, he was my "everything" but even the best of relationships do end if the intentions are not the same for both...I remember some words my exboyfriend told me when he had left the first time and then contacted me after 3 months only to leave again, he had said "I have to think of me" ...This became a pattern for us.

Well, I did realize after so many attempts of making it work, that I had to also THINK OF ME :)

 

[May1321]

I've been in a sort of limbo with all of this and why I keep coming back to this thread and even reading Frankie's words.

Which sometimes really sucks as a Supporter but life is a journey and not a fairytale

It's like I have one foot out the door but he's still holding on to my shirt tales. Lately, I've noticed I text him less and I take more care of myself...

he had said "I have to think of me"

I definitely have heard this. And I understand the "Thinking of Me" part. I also question all the things as Frankie had done in her relationship.

Sometimes I think I'm thinking too much... or maybe I've been spending too much time with him. I start to feel I've been getting the 'run around'. Like he's getting to have his cake and eat it, too. But then, looking at my own patterns and discussion with my own therapist, I'm wondering if I'm not hearing the good he's saying to me or doing for me and I'm looking for the quickest way out so I don't get hurt. I feel like because of this in me that I am not truly giving him the emotional time and space he has asked for even though he still wants to spend every day with me... Like yesterday he text and asked if he could pick me up from work and had a surprise for me which turned out to be taking me to a movie I had been wanting to see.

I know I want a relationship... a GOOD relationship. I think that's my flag. But then again, that's my question for myself - what if I'm not seeing the good points and making the most of the good points because after reading all these stories, I'm looking for all the bad points?

He asks me a lot of questions about being faithful, then also tells me to date other people, that he's not a good enough boyfriend for me right now, but then refers to himself as a boyfriend, and takes me to dinner, and wants to make me lunch. It's so confusing!

Is my good enough not good enough? Or is it too good?

Sorry ladies... internal struggle today :(