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Complex Ptsd - Warped View Of Therapist As Bad Parent
- Post starter LizBeth1
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- #14
I know this thread kind of closed a couple of months ago, but sure find what all of you wrote helpful.
I am really, really struggling. Still see my trauma T every week, but told my regular T last week that I don't know if there is anything more we can accomplish together so he suggested we cut back to every 3 weeks. He told me to contact him if I felt I needed to talk before then. I emailed him today that I think I am running away from him, but don't know why. I asked if we could meet before our next scheduled appt on the 24th.
I feel so fickle, foolish and vulnerable...GAH! I did tell him this in the email too.
Part of why I was trying to phase out is because my husband thinks 20 months of therapy should be long enough and that I am using him as a crutch. He feels I gain more from my Trauma T. I think it's also about the cost. $50 a week for the two of them plus probably $40 in gas is a lot to be spending I agree.
The other, and more important reasons, are harder to put into words. And much harder to admit to:
I feel an affection (not sexual at all) for my T now. Given that therapy is a one way relationship that is very hard for me. I am not sure that I trust that he even cares about me, but am afraid of offending him by telling him that. And does it really matter if he cares about me or not? In fact, other than as his patient, he shouldn't. Further more, why do I care what he thinks of me? He talks about how important the "therapeutic relationship' is though so it's all so confusing.
I asked him a few weeks ago how old he is. He said that is personal and wouldn't tell me. Then added that he doesn't want to admit his age because he wants to think of himself as younger than he is. (I had Googled his name so know he's 73 and married to a woman who is 54). It really pissed me off that he wouldn't tell me. I know it's his prerogative as to what his boundaries are that he needs to keep, but really? I mean, I have spilled my guts out to him for almost 2 years now and he can't tell me his age? He said once that he thinks I don't cry and can't show anger in therapy with him because I am projecting my father onto him. He could be right, because I certainly do view him as a fatherly figure (same age and build as my father as well as both loving to talk and teach.) And I feel this yearning for a connection with him. Funny, I have cried with my other therapist who is a woman my age.
I am also irritated that he is frequently late to our appts (I am his first appt at an office a 1/2 hour from his home.) It makes me feel that my time is not important to him. Now I must say that I think this is just his relaxed style (my first session at his home office started with a note on his door that he'd return shortly) and that he has never cut our sessions short. In fact, our sessions are almost always 60 or more minutes long, not the standard 50 minutes. I have never said anything to him because of this, but it does irk me.
So, now I've opened the door to tell him this stuff. The question is....how do I do it???? Meaning both what words and the courage to say them? I am afraid of offending him. Both because I don't want to cause him pain and maybe fear of abandonment (?) though I know that he won't terminate my therapy with him until I say so.
I feel like such an idiot about all of this.
I am really, really struggling. Still see my trauma T every week, but told my regular T last week that I don't know if there is anything more we can accomplish together so he suggested we cut back to every 3 weeks. He told me to contact him if I felt I needed to talk before then. I emailed him today that I think I am running away from him, but don't know why. I asked if we could meet before our next scheduled appt on the 24th.
I feel so fickle, foolish and vulnerable...GAH! I did tell him this in the email too.
Part of why I was trying to phase out is because my husband thinks 20 months of therapy should be long enough and that I am using him as a crutch. He feels I gain more from my Trauma T. I think it's also about the cost. $50 a week for the two of them plus probably $40 in gas is a lot to be spending I agree.
The other, and more important reasons, are harder to put into words. And much harder to admit to:
I feel an affection (not sexual at all) for my T now. Given that therapy is a one way relationship that is very hard for me. I am not sure that I trust that he even cares about me, but am afraid of offending him by telling him that. And does it really matter if he cares about me or not? In fact, other than as his patient, he shouldn't. Further more, why do I care what he thinks of me? He talks about how important the "therapeutic relationship' is though so it's all so confusing.
I asked him a few weeks ago how old he is. He said that is personal and wouldn't tell me. Then added that he doesn't want to admit his age because he wants to think of himself as younger than he is. (I had Googled his name so know he's 73 and married to a woman who is 54). It really pissed me off that he wouldn't tell me. I know it's his prerogative as to what his boundaries are that he needs to keep, but really? I mean, I have spilled my guts out to him for almost 2 years now and he can't tell me his age? He said once that he thinks I don't cry and can't show anger in therapy with him because I am projecting my father onto him. He could be right, because I certainly do view him as a fatherly figure (same age and build as my father as well as both loving to talk and teach.) And I feel this yearning for a connection with him. Funny, I have cried with my other therapist who is a woman my age.
I am also irritated that he is frequently late to our appts (I am his first appt at an office a 1/2 hour from his home.) It makes me feel that my time is not important to him. Now I must say that I think this is just his relaxed style (my first session at his home office started with a note on his door that he'd return shortly) and that he has never cut our sessions short. In fact, our sessions are almost always 60 or more minutes long, not the standard 50 minutes. I have never said anything to him because of this, but it does irk me.
So, now I've opened the door to tell him this stuff. The question is....how do I do it???? Meaning both what words and the courage to say them? I am afraid of offending him. Both because I don't want to cause him pain and maybe fear of abandonment (?) though I know that he won't terminate my therapy with him until I say so.
I feel like such an idiot about all of this.
Heather
Diamond Member
Hi Lauren - .
I can completely relate to this. Mine is late all the time too. Very Frustrating indeed! I have confronted by telling in my own charming way:D "God, can't you ever be on time?" My therapist loves me. He acknowledges that he has a problem with chronic lateness and now it's a running joke because when he sees me he says, "god, can't you ever be on time?":p.
I would say something to your therapist definitely not what I said to mine but not saying anything just adds to your growing frustration.
I can see why his not answering your question about something so trivial like his age would upset you. Therapists are weird like that. Choosing what they will and will not share with their clients. I had one that wouldn't tell me anything about himself and then the one that I have now will pretty much answer anything that I ask about him. Especially when you're sitting there day after day spilling your guts out and they won't tell you anything..... seems so unfair!
Also about the affection -- I can relate to that to. I feel an affection towards mine. He is such a good guy. I genuinely like him and we have a really good connection. I think it's normal when you work with someone that closely that feelings will develop, it's normal. Nothing wrong with that.
Why don't you try writing the stuff down that you want to tell him and see if that helps. That's what I do. I have a list every week and I bring it in and give it to my therapist. I've been doing that for the last month or so and it really helps. I give it to him because otherwise I skip stuff that's on it.
I hope this helps. Good Luck.
Love you. Hugs. Heathers
I can completely relate to this. Mine is late all the time too. Very Frustrating indeed! I have confronted by telling in my own charming way:D "God, can't you ever be on time?" My therapist loves me. He acknowledges that he has a problem with chronic lateness and now it's a running joke because when he sees me he says, "god, can't you ever be on time?":p.
I would say something to your therapist definitely not what I said to mine but not saying anything just adds to your growing frustration.
I can see why his not answering your question about something so trivial like his age would upset you. Therapists are weird like that. Choosing what they will and will not share with their clients. I had one that wouldn't tell me anything about himself and then the one that I have now will pretty much answer anything that I ask about him. Especially when you're sitting there day after day spilling your guts out and they won't tell you anything..... seems so unfair!
Also about the affection -- I can relate to that to. I feel an affection towards mine. He is such a good guy. I genuinely like him and we have a really good connection. I think it's normal when you work with someone that closely that feelings will develop, it's normal. Nothing wrong with that.
Why don't you try writing the stuff down that you want to tell him and see if that helps. That's what I do. I have a list every week and I bring it in and give it to my therapist. I've been doing that for the last month or so and it really helps. I give it to him because otherwise I skip stuff that's on it.
I hope this helps. Good Luck.
Love you. Hugs. Heathers
Thanks so much Heather. It's nice to know other's have the same experience. I know that my feelings are not only predictable, but also normal. It's funny, my trauma therapist has answered all personal questions I have asked her. Dale is much older and is probably more old school or maybe he had a bad experience not keeping boundaries at one time or another.
The list is good idea. I do that when I know I either have a lot of ground to cover in a session or am anxious (like now) about sharing something specific. Especially when I know I might either chicken out or even totally space out because of the anxiety.
I am anxious too about telling my husband that I am not waiting the 3 weeks for the next appt. He's going to want to know why and probably won't understand. Dale would tell me that's fortune telling LOL ;)
BTW, I love your new avatar. Have missed talking with you ;o)
The list is good idea. I do that when I know I either have a lot of ground to cover in a session or am anxious (like now) about sharing something specific. Especially when I know I might either chicken out or even totally space out because of the anxiety.
I am anxious too about telling my husband that I am not waiting the 3 weeks for the next appt. He's going to want to know why and probably won't understand. Dale would tell me that's fortune telling LOL ;)
BTW, I love your new avatar. Have missed talking with you ;o)
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- #19
anthony
Founder
Its called transference, and its part of the therapy relationship. Its not a one way street either, its training... every therapist is trained to basically give the client a false representation that they also care about them as a person, because it is this representation that allows the client to then release their vulnerabilities. Its all false... but a requirement for the client to feel comfortable and talk openly. Therapists with less than moral scruples can use this to have a sexual relationship with the client... which is totally against the rules. A therapist by most codes of conduct and even laws, isn't allowed to even have a friendship with a client for a minimum of two years after they have ceased being a client.
The actual term used is "Therapeutic Alliance" for officialism. Your therapist did the right thing by not providing his age, because he obviously could judge that you wanted personal information at the likely reason you are getting feelings for him. They are actually all quite false feelings, because who a therapist is within a session is not who they actually are in normal life.
This is exactly why such codes of conduct and laws exist, so therapists don't use the falseness of a therapeutic environment to their advantage due to client vulnerabilities.
The best thing you can ever do... is actually keep it out in the open in sessions, because you will find it then lessens quickly and reality sets back in. Your therapist will tell you pretty much exactly what I just wrote here. If they feel the client becomes too stalkerish, they will refer you onwards... if you keep things in check, keep the relationship professional as it must be... open and honest, it will continue on well.
This is more normal with normal therapy than trauma therapy, as trauma therapy you can tend to despise your therapist because they will push you hard, but you know you need it vs. a normal therapist is about focusing entirely on you and making you feel like your on a pedestal.
Thanks Anthony. Yes I know it is transference and yes, I do believe that I need to bring it out in the open instead of running from him. It's nothing abnormal and very predictable, but is still uncomfortable for me. I know the "caring attitude" he has for me is false and that is hard as well given that trust is an issue with me any falseness feels threatening. I have plenty of friends and have no desire to be "friends" with him outside of therapy, that is not what I am there for.
That being said, I do believe that dealing with these issues with him will actually be a huge step forward on my part. Precisely because this is such a hard, and very embarrassing, subject to approach. I'd rather NOT be that open ;o)
That being said, I do believe that dealing with these issues with him will actually be a huge step forward on my part. Precisely because this is such a hard, and very embarrassing, subject to approach. I'd rather NOT be that open ;o)
- Admin
- #21
anthony
Founder
Yep... its actually one of the most common reasons a good therapeutic relationship breaks down... because feelings by one or the other establish, thus the professional relationship ceases as a result. Unfortunate... but true. I covered this topic in my first module for counselling... quite an eye opener when reading examples of things gone wrong.
Abstract--- I would close right down over that comment. That would be it!
Sometimes it is NOT us. Sometimes people like to re abuse abuse victims because it is like, "Well this person is already damaged." It is nature. People are naturally mean.
I have had therapists call me names and slam things. I do not know why. I am not a harsh soul. I have tested them by saying things like, "I don't trust you." "Your medications are not proven" but being calm about it. One told me to knock over his bookshelf. Seriously. He wanted to see if I could get mad. Huh?!
The most painful therapists were those who told me I did not want to get better because I could not do what they wanted like walk more than 20miles to get there, or open up prematurely, or whatever.
How could I not see them as punishing?! My family was not harsh, but if they were, these would remind of them.
I admit after my trauma, I was virtually undiagnosable because I could not talk. When I finally could, I was all bizarre and could not make eye contact and could only use curse words most of the time!!!!!!
No one could be paid enough to show respect to what I had become. :(
Sometimes it is NOT us. Sometimes people like to re abuse abuse victims because it is like, "Well this person is already damaged." It is nature. People are naturally mean.
I have had therapists call me names and slam things. I do not know why. I am not a harsh soul. I have tested them by saying things like, "I don't trust you." "Your medications are not proven" but being calm about it. One told me to knock over his bookshelf. Seriously. He wanted to see if I could get mad. Huh?!
The most painful therapists were those who told me I did not want to get better because I could not do what they wanted like walk more than 20miles to get there, or open up prematurely, or whatever.
How could I not see them as punishing?! My family was not harsh, but if they were, these would remind of them.
I admit after my trauma, I was virtually undiagnosable because I could not talk. When I finally could, I was all bizarre and could not make eye contact and could only use curse words most of the time!!!!!!
No one could be paid enough to show respect to what I had become. :(
Well my T and I discussed our Therapeutic Alliance yesterday and how I feel about him as well as wanting to know what he thinks about me. Without going into all the nitty, gritty detail, I'll say that it was wonderful to get it all out in the open. Interestingly enough, he did actually tell me how he views me and why. This was a huge step in vulnerability for me and I am proud that I had the courage to bring it up!
It feels like we can move onto the next stage now. We've gone from surviving, to living and now will work on thriving.
We did decide to keep meeting weekly for now as I am targeting an extremely traumatic event with my trauma T starting this Friday. It's good to be able to see my regular T in between to kind of decompress. It helps me to bring more awareness to my trauma sessions allowing us more time to focus on the actual EMDR instead of having to figure out where I am with it.
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